25 Random Acts of Kindness

This year, I wanted to make the Christmas season a little something more than it normally is.
I decided to commit to completing 25 Random Acts of Kindness before December 25th, and we finished yesterday, so here I am telling you about it through this blogpost.
You may ask why I am choosing to throw it out there on public forum if I wanted to stay anonymous... This seems to defeat the purpose, huh?
Well, the point is to make an impact. I want you to read this & turn around and be inspired.
I took pictures of all of the acts, but I decided against posting them.
So here it is...

1) Donate to Goodwill.
It doesn't matter how many times I go through my closet, there always seems to be a stack of stuff I don't need!
2) Leave a Big Tip.
Dakota & I ate at Steak N Shake last week, and we left a big 'ole tip for Dorothy! She was precious, and the moment she came to our table, we knew that we were exactly where we needed to be to give the big tip!
3) Donate Canned Goods to Alexander High School.
Mr. Morrison and the Alexander FFA were holding a canned food drive last week, so I dropped some off. They also had free pictures with Santa for every 5 cans brought in!
4) Donate Pet Food to the Courthouse.
I saw on Debbie Foster's facebook that the courthouse was accepting donation of pet food, so I somehow managed to get a 25 pound bag of dog food up those steps and to the information desk... I really need to get back on a regular exercise schedule... Haha.
5) Leave a Candy Bar for the Mailman.
Dad and I struggled with the rain to make this one happen! I hope that the mailman enjoyed his Hershey's bar on that yucky day!
6) GiftHope Hope Tree.
We picked a few names off of the tree and bought them a few things off of their wishlists. It's always fun to shop with a name in mind. & to pray for them along the way. Quontez and Markel!
7) Take Chocolate Coins to the Bank Tellers.
I think they were the most surprised and thankful!
8) Take Muffins to the Dentist Office.
My baking skills are subpar... But I think they liked them!
9) Leave Candy Bars in Random Mailboxes.
Dakota & I went to Downtown Douglasville, and we picked a few lucky folks to get snickers & hershey's! It was so sunny yesterday though... I sure hope that they didn't melt! Haha.
10) Tape Candy Canes to ATM's.
This is not as simple as it sounds... I hope someone got the candy cane before it fell off.
11) Leave a Gas Card on Someone's Windshield.
12) Leave a Kroger Giftcard on Someone's Windshield.
13) Leave a Starbucks Giftcard on Someone's Windshield.
14) Leave Christmas Cards on Someone's Windshield.
15) Leave Scratch Off Lottery Tickets on Someone's Windshield.
Ok... So we went a little crazy with the windshield thing. But I just love the idea of someone coming to their car and seeing a little gift for them! & They have NO idea where it came from! Very cool!
16) Pay for the People Behind You at the Drive Thru.
I have heard about this sort of thing on the radio & on social media, but I've never actually done it. I have to admit, I was nervous! But it was awesome! The car behind us had two ladies and two kids! I scoped them out, and sent up some prayers for them before we sped away from Martin's!
17) Write Thank You Notes.
18) Leave Quarters on a Coke Machine.
I think the lady at Macy's thought we were trying to rig the machine, but when we explained ourselves, she was delighted!
19) Leave Quarters in the Gumball Machines at the Mall.
You know the little circle of gumball machines at the mall? We left quarters in almost all of them! Now when someone wants a lemonade gumball, they won't have to rummage through their belongings to find a quarter!
20) Leave a Starbucks Giftcard Taped to the Door of a Bathroom Stall.
Thinking about this one makes me laugh!
21) Leave Quarters at the Play Area at the Mall.
Now there's no way parents can get out of letting their kid ride the spaceship thing that barely moves. The change is already there.
22) Take Cookies to the Church.
23) Take Cookies to Mason Creek Middle.
Homemade cookies might I add. With beautiful bows! :)
24) Leave Dollars Throughout Walmart.
Under the soap bottles. With the duct tape. Next the the kitty litter. Etc!
25) Adopt A Family.
This is our second year adopting a family.
It is one of the most rewarding things that we do, I think. It is so fun to have names and ages and sizes and likes/dislikes! I have been praying over them, and we'll meet them on Friday! I am so excited!

When you're little, the magic of Christmas seems like it comes on so strongly with little to no effort.
The older we get, the season seems to be more hectic. More about money. More about making plans and being on a schedule.
Don't forget what Christmas is about. The love of our God. Him coming to Earth to make an incredible sacrifice for us. He wants us yesterday, today and forever. & that is magic.
How does leaving a giftcard on someone's windshield help them to know Jesus? Well, just think. Maybe this individual is having a hard time. Going through something terrible. Maybe their heart it hurting. Maybe they have given up on the whole Christmas thing. The whole Jesus thing. & then they see a little, teensy, tiny something the says that someone out there cares. Someone is thinking about them. Maybe God orchestrated things so that we ended up crossing their path on purpose. You just never know what one act of kindness can do.
Don't forget the magic. Don't ever allow yourself to become complacent. Keep reaching out.

Christmas & Whatnot!

The reason I logged on to the blog in the first place was to do this award thing that Carrie Cochran passed on to me. It looked like fun, and I wanted to do it. But it involved tagging people in the blog and stuff... & after a few hours, I have resolved that I do not know how to do that. I need to learn, and hopefully, I will one day.
I saw that I haven't posted in a while, and I wanted to just check in to say that everything has been CRAZY!
Incredible! But crazy! So busy.
I hope to get on after Christmas and write more details about some cool things that we did this year to reach out to people around us.
This Christmas season has meant something really different than normal.
I am overwhelmed with blessings.

Who am I & Whose am I

A common theme has shown up in my life lately.
Identity.
I read about it in my devotional on Thursday, read about being "crucified with Christ" in Galatians on Saturday, the sermon was about it on Sunday & I have seen several posts about identity on Facebook & Twitter today.
I read this today:
"Not only do we not know God except through Jesus Christ, but we do not know ourselves except through Jesus Christ." -Blaise Pascal
I gave my life to Christ when I was 13. I was at First Priority at my middle school & I felt the Lord tugging at my heart strings, so I went down to the front, dropped to my knees & prayed for God to enter into my heart and make me whole.
I proceeded into high school much like everyone else. I did things that I knew were wrong. I said things that I had no business saying. I went places I knew I didn't need to be. I made mistakes, ya know? Sin. I was trying to form my identity from the things around me rather than from what I asked to be inside of me: Christ. Whether that meant wrapping myself up in dating relationships or friendships or extracurricular activities or my GPA, I was searching.
God was a part of my life, of course. I knew the worship songs. I read the Word. I went to services. I was doing everything that a "Christian" needed to do. Nobody wants to go to Hell, right? I sure didn't. I sure don't! But He was just a part of my life. He wasn't my life. I was comfortable with where God & I were together. I knew enough about Him so that I could keep up with appearances but still leave Him on the backburner when the things I wanted to do didn't fit into His plans for me.
My freshman year of college really changed everything for me. Being away from home with only Him to guide me, my freshman experience class, Winshape, deterioration of a relationship... It all just pushed me into God's arms moreso than I had ever experienced before. When I got home from Winshape, I started volunteering with Give Love Away & middle school & main stage worship at Crossroads. I cannot get enough of the Bible. & my actions have finally started to reflect Him rather than just my words. I was no longer "comfortable," and I never wanted to feel "comfortable" again.
Why am I telling you all this?
As a Christian, I feel that it is my duty to tell folks about Him. I do not take the fire and brimstone tactic. Of course, I want everyone to know about a savior that is powerful, merciful, beautiful & just because I want them to meet him & spend eternity in Heaven with Him. But at the same time, I want people to meet Him because the relationship that awaits them is a game-changer. It's a life-changer. So many times, we meet Christ, pray the prayer and tuck Him under our belt so we make sure we're "saved." We post a status or two, maybe tweet every once in a while a Bible verse that we hear. We make sure that we're seen at church, and we donate something... every once in a while... to a cause we think it reputable. But we still never get it.
God wants to save us. He wants to welcome us into eternity with Him when our time on Earth is finished, but what about in the meantime?
When you start dating someone, do you kiss them right on the mouth, ask them to marry you and then say, "Ok, this is really cool! You are so perfect! See you in 20 years when I'm done doing what I want to do & I'm ready to get serious!" Of course, not! We agonize over how they feel about us. We text them & call them & go on dates with them. We want to know about them. Learn about them. We fall in love with them, and we work hard to make them fall in love with us. Ok, ok... I know this is vastly different. But still. God is crazy in love with us. & He wants nothing more than for us to seek Him & fall madly in love with Him. When you ask God to come into your heart, it's not over. Salvation does not end with "the prayer." It starts with it.
Salvation is not just being saved in the afterlife. It's about being saved in this life. Gah, this life can be confusing sometimes. Where do you go? What do you do? What kind of job do you go after? What man do you look for? What do you do when all you want to do is strangle everyone that you come in contact with for no apparent reason? God wants to save us from the crap of this life.
When our eyes are fixed on Him, we can weather the storm and make it to the other side. When our identity is fixed on Him, we are unstoppable.
I am crucified with Christ. When I offered up my life to Him, I had no idea that it meant that I would have to "crucify" the longings of this life. The desires of this life. Sacrifices have to be made. & I spent a lot of years trying to cut corners so that I could make appearances but still hold on to the worldly things that I felt that I needed. But He is all I need. He is what I build my identity on. No, it's not always comfortable. No, it's not always easy or simple. & yes, I make mistakes daily.
But I am so in love with my Creator.
& seeking Him has caused me to find who He created me to be.

Nothing Left Unsaid

I don't have a problem with self esteem any more than the average girl.
We pinch, and we poke at problems that we see in the mirror.
We internalize the things that people say at us in anger during arguments.
We have bad days, and we doubt who we are and where we're going.
I preface my post today with this because this blog entry might make you think at first that I am down on myself, but then that I am full of it. Just bear with me.
I've already written once about the female "too much but not enough" paradox, and I feel that you can see where I'm coming from.
I would like to think I'm not too high maintenance. I am pretty go-with-it, and I don't rock the boat all that much. I just want everyone to be happy. But I know that romantically. Relationally. I can be a handful.
Not because I expect too much, but because I find it physically impossible to hold in my emotions. I've never been good at "playing the game." Sure, I have watched the game being played around me, and I could probably play it fairly well, but me being who I am, there's no way I would be happy in game mode.
I like for the cards to be on the table. If I feel a certain way, I don't understand why I can't (or shouldn't) say so. If the person I am dating feels a certain way, why should I have to read between the lines and find out for myself when it would be so much easier just to hear it from his mouth?
There are some days when I am just so overcome with emotion that I need to see the person's face. I need to talk to them face-to-face & make whatever it is I need to say all the more meaningful. There are some times that I have a thought in the shower early in the morning, and I don't want to forget it, so I will text it to whoever it concerns right at that moment. Yes, I am aware that you are asleep & I am even a little bit sorry that it's so early. Also, I tend to have bad dreams. They range from ax-murderer-chasing-me-through-the-house-nightmare to just basic unpleasantness, but I am going to want to talk about them. Most likely in the middle of the night. I am slightly sorry about this, too, but not enough to not wake you up at 3:00 in the morning.
These reasons and so many more are the things that seem to drive people that I have dated crazy. Haha. & when you're told more than once that you expect too much & you ARE too much, it makes you reevaluate. You begin to internalize the fact that you might be too much and not enough all at the same time.
There is a happy ending to this story.
I know that sometimes the over-the-top-run-to-them-with-everything-deep-meaningful attitude can suffocate. I have showed up at guy's houses that I was in love with just to tell them that I was because I believe in the power of looking someone in the eyes. They would always smile kindly but then use it as ammunition against me later. My actions "scared" them away. I didn't fit into their schedule. I busted in on them unannounced, and I didn't fit. Haha. Well, you know what? I have been dating the wrong guys!
To have someone drop everything they are doing just to come sit on your driveway with you for hours. To sit you down and tell you that no matter how you feel, they are in love with you! To not get in "trouble" when your text messages are a little bit too early in the day or a little too late at night.
Yes, I take a lot of maintenance. But relationships take a lot of maintenance! There are days that my emotions get the best of me. I'm a lot to handle. I'm confusing. I want to talk about things that might possibly be unpleasant. & ladies, I know that you know where I am coming from.
Men want us to believe that we need to just bottle it up until they are willing to open up. We are instructed to walk on eggshells & wait around until they are ready, so that we don't "scare" them away prematurely. How many times have you heard that you're the kind of person they want to be with... Just not "right now"?
Ladies, drop them! If they're not ready for you, what makes you think a couple years will change a thing. While you're "waiting," there are guys out there looking to listen to you. They want to take care of you. They want to sweep you off your feet metaphorically and literally. They want to tell you they love you in the middle of the night. In your driveway. Because that's what you deserve. You deserve to be cherished and loved in the same way that you have always tried to cherish and love others.
You can be yourself with them.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that it doesn't involve eggshells. Or waiting.
Only late night talks on the driveway, early morning text messages & someone to turn nightmares into dreams.

Doubt

I use the phrase, "There's not a doubt in my mind," a lot.
Maybe because it's the most serious way I know how to get my point across?
Maybe it's just my passion overflowing into my speech?
I don't know. I just know that I probably say that to someone at least once a day.
There was no doubt in my mind that all of us in middle school would still be friends to this day. I mean like the group that we went to 8th grade dance with... You guys know who I mean. Haha.
There was no doubt in my mind that Douglasville would be the place in which I raised my own family.
There was no doubt in my mind that I would cheer all through high school.
There was no doubt in my mind that my grandmother would watch me graduate.
There was no doubt in my mind that I would graduate & move to Tuscaloosa.
There was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't make it through the application process for Winshape.
There was no doubt in my mind that I would be strong enough to follow through with my boyfriend fast.
But then, oddly enough...
There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to marry Ryan.
You see, I am passionate. But not quite accurate. Haha.
I am not complaining. God has placed me exactly where I need to be to do His work. I am merely examining how life throws curveballs. We can never keep up with them.
I have been struggling with that more than I am proud to admit.
Should we be ashamed when the things that we hold so tightly to fall apart? I mean, we let those things get the better of us. We let those things break us down. We let those things scare us and sometimes even change us.
In those moments, I believed.
Those fleeting moments made their way into my life. & I clung to them. Is that wrong? That I didn't evaluate... I just felt. I didn't examine... I just went. With the innocence of a child, I believed. & it mattered.
It's not wrong. Did your friendship fall apart? Did you not make it to the school you wanted to make it to? Did you flunk out? Did you let your family down? Did you let your friends down? Did your marriage fall apart? Or your engagement? Or your relationship? Well, my heart goes out to you. Something you believed in is no longer there. & I know you hurt.
But hurt is not bad. Hurt is not wrong.
You're growing.
Whether you like it or not. You are becoming something amazing!
So don't doubt.
If you'd known that it wasn't going to work out, would you change anything?
Would you forsake the moments?
If you'd known that the one thing you thought you could trust would be the one thing that you trust the least, would you take it back?
I didn't think so.

When You're Least Expecting It.

There are no words to describe the past three months of my life.
I have sat in front of this computer for days now trying to string together phrases that can capture the sheer importance of this summer so that I can remember this down the road. I want to remember this summer.
I graduated high school more than 2 years ago. The person I am today is not the person that delivered a speech on graduation night. I am not the same person that moved to Mercer with Stephanie a few months later. I am not the same person that left for camp last May. I am not the same person that entered Georgia State last fall. I am not even the same person that got my heart broken just a few months ago. These past three months have changed me from deep within who I am to even how I dress and how I do my hair.
I have always viewed life as a time that we spend to find ourselves. & when you do, then everything just falls into place & it all makes sense. I thought that one day, I would be able to sit down and pinpoint every decision made, every step taken & find contentment in the fact that it all led to some pinnacle point where I was who I was going to be for the rest of eternity.
But it's not. Which is both incredibly scary and deliciously exciting at the same time. I guess I see that life is not about finding who you are at all, but about creating who you are instead. There is no right answer. You just keep adjusting and adapting. Over and over. It's never ending.
I have done a lot of things this summer. I have driven a lot of miles. I have sung a lot of songs. I have taken so many pictures. I have laughed harder than I have in years. I have found more & more of God's grace in every passing day. I have gotten one too many pedicures. Hahah. I have recreated pieces of myself that I never thought needed changing. I just have that stand-on-your-head-frolic-in-the-meadow kind of happiness that everybody dreams about. & it's not forced. & it's incredibly real.
I am blessed. The plans that God has for me astonish me everyday. He is revealing them to me one piece at a time. Right when you think things can't get any better, something (or maybe someone) else comes along to expand your dreams even more.
If there was a way to bottle up the emotions I feel right now as I type this, I would.
I intended to make this summer, my last real summer, one that would make an impact on who I am.
But I never imagined it would turn out like it has.
In every single area of who I am, God has shaken things up and shown me that His plans are far greater than my own.

Be Scared.

I was talking to an old boyfriend earlier this week, and he said that my actions in the relationship 'scared him away'.
At first, these words hurt my feelings. I can't act like it didn't make me really think... I mean, nobody wants to be 'scary'. Especially in a relationship. Especially only being 20 years old. I am too young to be scary, right?
I wish I could explain why I get so caught up in things. Not just boyfriends but everything. I let things completely entangle me in emotion...
So, anyway, I was sitting here just thinking about how everything turned out. I could feel myself reprimanding my behavior. Thinking that I need to change. Maybe if I didn't care so much about people & things & events then I wouldn't get let down so easily.
But then I thought if I didn't care so much about people & things & events then the amazing things that I have experienced also would not have happened.
The truth is, I want to be scared. I want to be on the edge of my seat. I want to create magic... & magic never happens for the people that sit back and let life happen to them. Magic happens for the people that go out and MAKE life happen.
When I first accepted the Lord, I was scared. When I sang for the first time at Crossroads, I was scared. When I went on first dates. When I leaned in for first kisses. When I stood up in front of producers & auditioned for the biggest thing I've ever done. When I sang in front of 30,000 people in Jacksonville & in New Orleans & in Talladega. When I started leading 15 twelve year old girl on Wednesday. I was scared. And these things are what have fashioned me into what I am today.
Life is scary. It doesn't matter how many people have walked the walk before you. It doesn't matter how many stories you hear. You'll never be prepared for what's coming to you. & that is scary.
I don't know about you, but I want to be scared. Because when you're scared, you learn. When you're scared, sometimes you find incredible reward!
Be scared. But don't let it keep you from living. From loving. From growing & finding who you are in the meantime.

fairy tales

I woke up this morning at 7 AM. My heavens, the only thing I wanted to do on this rainy morning was sleep until noon, but the real world called.
I layed in bed and thought about what I had going on the rest of this week. Work & gym today. Getting up at 6 AM tomorrow to babysit. 7 AM call time on Sunday for church. "Back to the real world," I thought to myself.
But really. I do not live in the real world. My entire life is a fairy tale!
The past 5 days have been a complete whirlwind!
For those of you who do not know, I auditioned for the television show, The Voice this weekend.
I have signed up to audition for many shows just like this one. American Idol, X Factor, America's Got Talent... But I never show up. Most of the time, I don't even tell people! Haha.
I cannot express how glad I am to have gone to the open call on Saturday. I met so many wonderful people, had so much fun with my family & friends, and I really proved to myself that this road is something I could really do! I could actually do this!
My fairy tale doesn't end with singing. I'm just blessed.
Blessed to be surrounded by the people that I am surrounded by. Blessed to have a family that loves me and that just rolls with the punches. Blessed to have such amazing friends that could honestly care less if I ever hit it big or not. Blessed to have a beautiful car that runs like a million bucks! Blessed to have a job that still allows me to go and do. Blessed to be able to take it easy this semester & focus on just being 20!
I am just so humbled.
I am the luckiest girl in the whole world.

When the World Kicks You. In the Face.

Sometimes life is going to kick you in the face.
I mean. Like literally scissor kick you right in the face.
You will just be walking along thinking all is well. It will be a sunny, beautiful day in which you think you've got it all together... Then bam. A size 17 Nike sneaker to the face. (Because I like to think the world wears Nike's)

When this happens, we have a few choices.
1. Lay there on the ground wallowing in our own self pity.
2. Create a strategic plan in which we get even with the world.
3. Overevaluate why we were kicked in the first place.
4. Become scared & withdrawn to protect ourselves from being kicked again.
5. Pull ourselves together, dust ourselves off & keep on moving.

I know that I wish that I could say that I always pick option #5. It's the most rational and probably the most healthy. But I know that I cannot say (with a clear conscience) that #5 is the one I regularly choose.

I know everyone has their own ways to cope with the world's kicks. Me. I try to run from them. I avoid the problem until it's so big I physically can't handle it. Is this healthy? Of course not! But I do it. Do you ever notice how the world likes to kick you when you're down? Like when you're already incredibly stressed out and worried and nothing seems to be going your way some day... THAT'S when you find out that your ex is seeing somebody new?
Or when you've already failed a final, lost your wallet & fell down the stairs at school... THAT'S when your car won't seem to crank.
I mean, right now, I am sure you've got your own series of problems that are running through your mind.
Because problems always seem to come in a series. The world kicks you... You try to block the blows... But eventually you just surrender to the punches. I mean, what else could it do, right?

Robert Louis Stevenson said this:
"Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits."

Really think about this. If you succeeded in everything you did, where would you go from there? Have you ever met a person that succeeded in everything they did? I didn't think so. I haven't either.
We're all on the same playing field. We're all failing. Over and over again. I know the world is kicking me in the teeth... But it also kicks Donald Trump in the teeth. & Bill Gates & Natalie Grant & Halle Berry & Katy Perry & my pastor & my best friend & my ex boyfriend. I can look at everyone else's life... and no matter how it may look from the outside... I know that they are failing just like me.

There's peace in that. Life is not about what happens to us. It's about how we react to what's happened to us. I want to choose postivity. I want to choose happiness. I want to choose joy. I want to choose prayer. Oh my, this is not always simple. But it's beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful that someone that chooses to rise from the ashes & make something new and powerful from what was broken.

My very favorite quote is by Robert Frost.
"In three words, I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on."
I hope you know that. I hope I can learn that.
The world is going to kick you. Life is going to hurt. But it always goes on.

Anyway.

Yesterday, I was meeting with a beautiful mentor & friend, and we were talking about some upcoming singing opportunities that I had. She mentioned that before performing, it's important to get the backstory, inspiration and true meaning of a song you are going to perform.
On Sunday, I am singing The National Anthem at her church, and after reading the history of the song myself, it does mean more to me. It's fascinating, and if you don't know the history, you should definitely read about it or watch the short documentary on YouTube.
Secondly, I will be singing "Anyway" by Martina McBride at Douglasville Idol on July 4th. I have performed this song so many times, it's ridiculous. I could sing the lyrics in my sleep. I still wanted to get more information on it & uncover deeper meanings. After watching the music video & reading a few articles about Martina's own feelings, I read Mother Teresa's poem that inspired it. I've read it before, but this morning, it hit me so hard. I want to share it with you.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I mean, wow. "It was never between you and them anyway." Isn't it so hard to really see that? Truly understand it. It's one thing to read the words and think it's a cool concept. It's quite another to really internalize what's being said here.
Forgiveness. Kindness. Success. Honesty. Frankness. Production. Happiness. Goodness.
Those are pillars that everyone wants their life to be built on, though sometimes we get confused about why they are so important.
It was never about you and the person that you needed to forgive. It was never about you and the people you shared kindness with. It was never about those that uplifted you or tore you down when you succeeded. The things that fell apart that you spent so much time creating. The people that were jealous of what you had or didn't have. It was never about them. It was never about it. It's not about saving face. Being accepted. Being rejected. Being popular. Not being popular. Fitting into a social norm or a societal norm. It was never about that.
I think a lot of people hold back from their full potential because they are afraid of what others may believe about them. We start dating, and we get our hearts broken. Or we watch the relatioships around us in our families and friends crumble. We make up our minds that the opposite sex is just crazy... We are so afraid of being broken that we never let our guards down. Yes, more times than not, when you put your heart on the line, it's going to get hurt. Do it anyway.
Some people don't deserve our forgiveness. But it's not about what they deserve. What happened between the two of you may be irreconcilable... You don't want to forgive. Do it anyway.
Yes, the people asking for money on the side of the street may have a house with three bedrooms. The burnout in your political science class may lose the notes that he asked to borrow. The money you donate to a 'good' cause may go to funding a large corporation that doesn't benefit the cause at all. Do it anyway.
You may not be considered 'street smart'. You may get broken. Taken advantage of. You may get to a point where you feel that all of your efforts have gone unnoticed. The person you fell so deeply in love with may never return your sentiments. Those you helped may never thank you. Your idols and those you admire may never pat you on the back and tell you they are proud of you. You may lose friends. You may make enemies. You may never get awarded or congratulated by the people of this world. Do it anyway.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Loves of My Life.

As you probably know, I volunteer at my church with the middle school ministry on Wednesdays, I have a 13 year old sister, and I often kidsit my two younger cousins that are 8 & 10 as well as their cousins that are 12 & 7.
I never "disliked" children, but I lived with constant fear that the "mothering instinct" that women are said to have was not inside of me. That is until I worked Winshape Camp last summer. I fell madly in love with kids. The way their minds work completely enchants me and inspires me to be a better instructor, leader, sister, cousin, friend, etc.
Being a psychology major, I am absolutely enthralled by the adolescent brain. Sure, we look at our middle schoolers and think that the things they say, do, wear, create are so off the wall. So aggravating. So confusing. But all of these things truly stem from the chemicals in their brain. I hear my sister talking to her friends. My girls at church tell me stories. I want to hold their faces in my hands and look into their eyes and tell them the outcome of their stresses because I have been there. Not too long ago either. But that's the magic of adolescence. Each generation does the same things as the generation before, but they have to go through the motions and learn for themselves. It's monotonous, and it seems so crazy. But I also think it's magical. In a totally twisted way.
I love my sister more than anything in the world. As she grows up, I see that she is turning out just like me. Don't get me wrong, we have differences, but relationally, we are the same. She shares my stubbornness. My inability to leave things be. My excitement for love itself. My love of friends. My loyalty. My heart. I see the good things of myself in her, but I am starting to see the mistakes I made repeat themselves in her as well.
I can't make her understand that I actually do know where she's headed, what she's thinking, and how things will probably work out. Same with Addy. Same with Grayson. Same with Landry & Maclaine & my babies at church.
I don't have kids, but how much I selflessly, incredibly and overwhelmingly love my sister and my cousins scares me a little but it's also encouraging. The 'mother' instinct is present in me, and the fierceness of which I know I will love my hypothetical children is not questionable.

Everyone hopes for the 'love of their life'. I always thought that 'the love of my life' was going to be a man. & maybe one of the loves of my life will be sometime in the future. But this summer, watching my sister getting involved at Crossroads, Grayson playing baseball, Addy tumbling and text messaging... These are the loves of my life. It's the kind of love that won't end. It's no secret I love hard, but I would genuinely lay down my life for any of these kids. I would do anything to make them happy. I believe in them. I am in awe of the people they are becoming.
I'm not missing out. I have abundant love. I have the love of my life. Well, loves.

Captivating

I am reading a book called, "Captivating," by John & Stasi Eldredge. The front cover of it says, "Unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul." So, of course, this enticed me, and I began to unfold the information.

Today while I was reading it, I came across a passage that made me stop what I was doing and pray. Right then and there because questions that I felt like I've had for my whole life were answered. Maybe not answered but definitely addressed.

John had written this passage, and I think that made it even more interesting. I don't claim to know the inner workings of the male mind, and the things that John said could be completely off base, but it struck a chord with me.

"What is this thing in me- and in most men- that just doesn't want to go deep into a woman's world? 'You are too much. Too hard. It's too much work. Men are simpler. Easier.' And isn't that just the message you've lived with all of your life as a woman? 'You're too much, and not enough. You're just not worth the effort.' ('And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.'
Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the difference of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. 'I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so there is this sort of detente, a cordial agreement to live only so close"

Wow, right?! Ok. Of course being the kind of woman that my person needs is important to me. But this little piece of the book can be applied broadly. Being a woman is such a blessing. We are beautiful. And nurturing and lovely. We are enticing. We are the incarnate of God's own glory and beauty and majesty. We cannot settle. God did not intend for us to settle. In any area of our lives.

I know that I am not the only woman that struggles with feeling like too much and not enough all at the same time. We sometimes feel ashamed of our emotions... trying to hide the tears while we watch that Publix commercial. We 'tone ourselves down' when interviewing for a job or talking with people we don't know in line at the store or going on a first date. It's an interesting paradox. Being too much but not enough. We were too much for him to handle but not enough for him to stay...

Let me tell you something, girl. You are too much. But I refuse to believe that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. & you are more than enough. You will never be insufficient. Yes, we will make mistakes. We will fall down. I mean, like REALLY fall. We will hit rock bottom. Get slung through the mud... In & out of the ringer. But we will NEVER be less than enough. Take pride in being too much. I promise men think that the world would be better if everyone was like them... They are entirely incorrect. They simply don't know what they would do with themselves if we didn't have big, fat, huge, obnoxious emotions. If we didn't cry at the drop of a hat. If you didn't get your feelings hurt when he hangs up before saying he loves you. If we didn't call him 8172948674 times just to say hey.

I have struggled with this. I believe that all of us have at some time or another. I don't know what your circumstances are. And I know that many of your circumstances run circles around mine.
Please read this. And let it sink into your heart.

"Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be beauty of the story. Those desires are far more than child's play. They are the secret to the feminine heart.
And yet-how many women do you know who ever find that life? As the years pass by, the heart of a woman gets pushed aside, wounded, buried. She finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the beauty in any tale...
Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating."

Fasting Fail. What Now?

Before I begin, I just want you guys to know that this blog has had more than 4,000 hits... It's so incredible!
I love you so much, and thank you for reading my heart.

I've been contemplating. As most of you know, about 7 months ago, I started a thing called "The Boyfriend Fast." I had heard about it and read about it, and I thought that it would be good for me to try it. Stop relying on the male species to make me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. Blah. Blah. Blah. Anyway, so I failed. About a month and a half flew by and I found myself falling madly for a boy. I surrendered. Threw in the towel. Etc. Whatever you wanna call it. Long story short, here I am 5 months later-once again- "single."

You may call this a failure... I do not. I started the fast because I felt like I had hit a dead end. I was scared and confused and I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried to cut myself off from the dating world entirely. That's hilarious. & not just because it's me. I love relationships. (This is no secret) But staying in some bitter cocoon was a terrible idea. I wasn't trying the fast with an open and excited heart. I was trying to escape.

From the beginning, women were created FOR relational purpose. God created men and decided that the world needed something else, too. Man needed something else. Man needed a companion. Someone to walk the walk with! So no, I don't want to do it alone. I don't think God meant for me to. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I have totally avoided the chance to love big & love hard.

How I feel right now goes so far beyond desiring a dating relationship. I am absolutely, positively ENTHUSED about just picking up and moving on and doing things with the time I have right now. I love my bucket list. I love my summer list. Folks think they're corny or a waste of time... Who cares?! I learn so much with every item crossed off. I FEEL so much with every item crossed off.

Today, I read a blog post by a girl named Marina Keegan, I think? She graduated from Yale University and tragically died a few days after her graduation. The title was "The Opposite of Lonely," and I got something really big out of it. She was describing Yale as a place in which she felt the "opposite of lonely" but I can apply that to my current events. I really hate the word "single." Like ONE person. ALONE. No one else. Just me.. Yea, right. I am anything but "single". I've got the whole world! I live in a house always filled with people. I have wonderful friends. Nothing I do is really alone. Even when I don't have people physically around me, I've always got the Lord. & I think that's the concept that I have been missing.

I'm never going to stop believing that my person is out there. I don't care how many heartbreaks I experience or what I see in the relationships around me. But in the mean time, I am so not alone. Just like I talked about in a previous post... I thought it was the end of the world. We all do. We fall in love, and then breakup & it's the end of the world. But then we see that it's not! I now understand that it's not. It wasn't before. It's not now. And next time, it's not going to be either.

I am so thankful. Thankful to learn new things. Thankful to see new things. And I guess I'm even thankful to be 'single' again. I believe that God has a plan for everything. He wants me to grow, and I trust that He knows what I need to experience to be the woman that He wants me to be tomorrow. & I think I am growing. I never really felt ok about being a "just Macy." I wanted to be ok with it. I really did. But I never was. After all this, I'm ok. I believe in the future. But more than that, I believe that right now, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!

So how is this not a failure? I made a promise that I was going to stay without a boyfriend for a year. I didn't. And now I both ruined the fast and didn't get the guy either. It's not a failure because where I am right now is entirely different than where I was in November. I'm not scared. I feel more whole. This relationship taught me a lot about who I am and what I want. I gained back so much confidence. So much excitement & just renewed my overall outlook on things.

I've been through 2 breakups. 2 lay-in-your-bed-crying-with-ice-cream-and-oreos sessions. 2 cry-so-hard-your-eyes-hurt nights. Twice I felt like it was the end of the world. And twice it wasn't.

What now? Anything.

Huh?

We live in a world dominated by media. All sorts of media. Music. Movies. Television. Inspirational Speakers. Politics. You name it, we've got it. At the same time, we also live in a world filled with devastatingly different people. These people create media, so our media is conflicting.
This is no secret to us.. but still we somehow get so caught up. And we are utterly confused. We are confused about how to feel and how to act.
Some of us love television shows whether that be a daily news show, a late night drama or a talk show. Others of us love movies. Others search for meaning through inspirational gurus. Some like to live their lives as if it were a music video. The bottom line is no two people are alike. And no two forms of media are alike.
We like to think that the use of media in our society doesn't touch us. "I live my own life. Nobody in a TV screen or on the radio is going to run my thoughts..." You've heard this before. Maybe you've said this before? We don't mean for it to, but it just happens.
I am not ashamed to say that I am one of those that lives my life as if it's a music video. A deep, country love ballad if you will. If you haven't noticed, life's just not like that. Which is sad, right? Anyway. Country songs fill us with conflicting expectations. We hear slow songs about finding love and being so deep that you can't see a foot in front of you. We also hear songs about crazy ex's and sad goodbyes. We hear songs about partying and acting a fool, but there's also songs about getting our act together and settling down.
Don't give up, right? But don't take anybody's crap. You deserve more. But don't be too full of yourself. You're young; have fun and throw caution to the wind. But don't do anything you might regret. Find the man of your dreams. But don't tie yourself down before scoping out your options.
I mean, this is insanity! We hear, "Follow your heart and do what makes you happy." But we have all been in a place or with a person that makes us so incredibly-dance-on-the-table happy, but soon... that fades. That same thing that once made us so happy is making us curl up in a ball in our bed with Ben & Jerry close by. How does that make sense?
Just like all of you, I have had times that I truly thought I had it figured out. Oh my heavens, I have really thought that I knew where life was taking me. But that's the only thing we have to count on in life: the fact that we really have no idea what to count on!
I went to a concert this weekend. And I noticed something. At Lakewood, the whole lawn is a lot like a big, fat sing-a-long. We were at the Luke Bryan/ Jason Aldean concert, so of course, you had a bunch of drunk hillbillies reciting the words the best they knew how! Everybody loves the upbeat songs about drinking and being with your friends and being from the South. The songs that hit the radio in early summer and make you just smile from ear to ear. But when the songs about heartbreak and unrequited love come over the speakers, the voices don't die down. Just because something doesn't work out with a happy ending doesn't mean that the feeling should be avoided completely. It should be FELT!
I know that more people than just me were thinking of a certain relationship or a certain person when Jason Aldean belted out "The Truth" or when Luke Bryan sang "Someone Else Calling You Baby." The conflicting emotions are important. We have to get through the bad and the broken to get to the exciting and the joyful.
People support us by telling us that it's "not the end of the world" when something happens in our life that we don't like or that we weren't expecting. A breakup. Loss of a job. Fight with a family member. Death. Sickness. Affairs... etc. So WHAT if you act like it's the end of the world?? You know just as well as I do that it won't be long before things turn around and make you feel like you're on TOP of the world!
FEEL things. Feel the bad times just as much as the good times. You'll appreciate the good so much more! And you'll really learn from the bad.
Dance to the summer song.
But also...
Sing the ballad.

20.

Today, I turn 20. 20 years old!
I am one of those that completely adores my birthday!
Everybody tells you how great you are, and you get gifts and people buy lunch for you and stuff. It's incredible, right?!
To me, a birthday is a lot like New Years Day. Remembering the old year and embracing the new.
This year is a little different. I am embracing a new DECADE in my life. The 20's. In your twenties, you're supposed to graduate and get married and have babies. Now, I'm not sure if those things are going to happen to me, I am just expressing the hugeness that COULD come with my 20's.
I took some time and read through some old blogs. It's incredible. Two years ago, I was committed to Mercer, pharmacy, Jamie Scogin, Justice and so many other things that seem like lightyears away. I was so passionate about each of those things, and everything is different now. I left Mercer behind, and I love Georgia State. Pharmacy both scared and bored me. I have already started and ended a whole other relationship. And I've had 3 jobs since Justice. The only thing we can depend on in this life is the fact that things will change, I suppose?
I'm not the same person I was when I graduated from high school, and in 2 more years, I will not neither be that person nor the person I am right now writing this blog. It's a little bit overwhelming. But it is also very exciting.
So here I come, 20's.

This I Believe

At Mercer, I read a book called This I Believe for my "freshman experience" class. It touched me so deeply, and I'm pretty sure that I blogged about it when was reading it back then.
Recently, I suggested to Ryan that he should read it. He loves books and deep, meaningful philosophies, so I knew it would be perfect for him. It reminded me how much I loved the short stories, so I checked on Amazon for anything that might be similar, and I found This I Believe II. I ordered it, and I have fallen in love once again.
I asked Ryan what it was that he believed. Like if he had to write 500 words on what it was that he believed, what would it be? He didn't answer me, but after the past 2 1/2 weeks, I found a new belief. So in 500 words, I will try to explain myself...

I believe in the power of trying. Trying doesn’t necessarily mean success or failure, and that is what makes it so powerful.

I have had a lot of success in my life. I have had so many wonderful moments that I know are miracles and blessings. But those moments are not always the ones that I thank my Lord for before I close my eyes at night. I thank the Lord for the opportunities that didn’t work out. The things that I tried to do, but I fell short. Because those are the moments in which I had to reevaluate. Reinvent. Grow as a person and become more.

I love people. Maybe that’s why I have such a strong desire for a romantic relationship. I’ve always deemed it a flaw. Something that I needed to beat down and suppress. My small catalogue of suitors speaks for itself. I’m a try-er. I have a hard time giving up especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

So how do these two things come together? Trying is not trying if you just go halfway. If you don’t put yourself on the line, then you’re not trying at all. You’re faking. You’re denying yourself the chance of success in anything that you do. Trying relationally means laying it all there. Big risk means big reward. Trying does not guarantee success, and, more often than not, you’ll probably fail. But it’s a win-win. If you succeed, you find happiness. If you fail, you learn, and then you find happiness.

I believe in trying because I believe in hope. Hopefulness. I read somewhere that the average person dates between 7 to 10 people before finding “the one.” That’s a lot of failure. That’s a lot of meeting the parents and learning favorite colors and broken hearts. But it’s also a lot of first kisses. Sunsets. Late night talks. Dates. And then after it’s all said and done, you might find your person. And even then… it’s just “might.”

What is the alternative? Other than live with hope?

So I choose to try. To keep putting myself out there over and over until it all clicks for me. I choose hope. I choose to believe in fairy tales and to keep my head up. Even if one day, I find myself alone, at least I know I tried. 

Finding Bliss

I am going to throw some VERY overused and cliche quotes at you.
"“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
― Albert Einstein

I lead a small group at church of about 10 or 15 sixth grade girls on Wednesday nights. They are absolutely fascinating and beautiful and wonderful in every single way! Every week, we end up talking about things that are on their hearts. Every so often, a girl is dealing with a divorce of her parents or other family members. Or a family member or friend is sick or hurting, and they are always very quick to express their concerns for that. But EVERY week, we talk a great deal about being bullied. Or maybe a boy that they like is being silly. Or they are in an argument with their friends. Just little things that I remember going through in middle school, and when I look back, I wish I would have just took a breath and let it go.
It's funny, when we're younger, we always kind of want to be able to say, "I've been there. I know what you're going through. And I promise that it is not anything to worry about," to someone else. I remember being in these huge fights with my friends about not being invited to a birthday party or not being the friend that was invited over to spend the night one weekend. My mom and dad would say things like, "Macy, when you're older, this will not matter one bit" or "You're real friends will always be there for you. In a few years, you'll know WHO you really need in your life and WHAT you really need in your life." I would just shrug them off and think they were absolutely insane because my whole world was falling apart because I would not be falling asleep on Friday night at "Susie Q's" house.
It's so weird being at a place in my life where I look at these girls and know exactly what they're going through. I wish so much that they understood that one day, all these things will just vaporize. They will forget the tears. They will forget how upset they were. None of that will matter. The stress won't matter. One day, it will click for them. That life is just too short. We are here for a blink. A breath. Every single moment spent worrying or stressed out is a moment that we'll never get back.
The saddest thing to me is that there are adult people even friends and family of my own that are still waiting for the click. We hold grudges. We let tasks keep us from people. We let stress overtake us, and we lose ourselves completely. The differences between then and now is that we have school and jobs to throw ourselves into, and, furthermore, we have life experience. We've been hurt before, and we do not want it to happen again.
Those quotes that I attached at the top are three of my favorite quotes of all time. The last one always really strikes a chord with me. We can live as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is. Is it really that simple? When things happen to you. When people hurt you. When everything inside of you hits rock bottom, and you're not sure it'll ever turn up again... Why in the world would you want to try to convince yourself that your life is a miracle? Why not? I mean, really. How is it going to help you if you choose to keep your guard up? It won't.
I live in my own little world. My own bubble, if you please. I am overly optimistic and anything but realistic. I believe in people. I love people. That's not because bad things have never happened to me. It's certainly not because I've never been betrayed or hurt by people. I have been. I just wake up EVERY morning and choose to treat my life like a miracle.
In that, I find bliss.

How Deep Is Your Love?

I am not the kind of girl that sparks up conversations with people I don't know. I am also not the kind of girl that makes friends all that easily. I didn't make it to too many parties in high school. I have never been one to have hundreds of friends... But those people that I love have every ounce of my heart.
I'm not a rude person. I love people as a whole. I think that we, as a people, have an incredible opportunity to care about each other and help each other. We can make a difference. I have always had a heart for service, and volunteering has always been a big part of my life. I guess I'm just a little slow to put all my trust in someone relationally. I fall slow but hard, if that makes sense.
I have passion. I have emotion. When I love, I love with everything I have. With reckless abandon.
I don't see a point in living any other way. Just scratching the surface will never be enough for me. I want all there is to offer. I want to jump head first. It's absolutely crazy, but I can't be anything else. It's impossible.

Discontentment? No way!

Since Christmas, a book has sat on my floor waiting to be read.
The Resolution for Women.
Inspired by The Resolution that is depicted in the film, Courageous, The Resolution for Women helps women of all ages to redefine and reevaluate who they are in Christ. I have avoided the book. I don't know why? Maybe because I'm comfortable with where I am. I volunteer at church. I am at a good school. I have good friends and a great family and the man I want to be with forever... I mean, what do I need to reevaluate, right?
Tonight at the middle school service, I got a glimpse of a what life is like for them. Their friends are hurting themselves, touching each other inappropriately at school, seeing things in life that no 12, 13 or 14 year old should see. It broke my heart. How in the world can I be comfortable in a world like that? I have to work harder than ever to know exactly where I am in my walk with God because I might be the only Jesus that those girls see. That those middle schoolers see. But even more than that, I might be the only Jesus that the kid that sits behind me in French sees or people at school see or people at the mall see.

So I opened the book. I told myself I would not rush through it. I made myself a promise that every time I sat down to read it, I would only work through one chapter at a time. The very first chapter was about becoming discontent because of not relishing each moment in life. Rushing through life and not truly experiencing it. And that one thing might be the biggest fault that I have. I try so hard to remind myself NOT to rush life, but I get so antsy. It's like I keep waiting for something else to happen. Something big. And I miss the moments that matter sometimes. I get so bogged down in the destination that I forget to talk to Mackenzie who sits in the passenger seat or watch Ryan sing at the top of his lungs as he drives. I make lists in my head about the EVENTS that are to come months down the road. WHY DO I DO THAT? I want to really experience what's happening now. I will only have a 19th year once. Mackenzie will only look like this and talk like this and be like this one time. Ryan and I will only have this honeymoon period once. I will only be able to sit in the living room and giggle with mom and dad at this one point in my life. Everything is fleeting. There is no room to complain or argue or be discontent with life.
"True godliness with contentment is itself great wealth." I Timothy 6:6 NLT
"If we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content." I Timothy 6:8 AMP

I want to challenge you. Each chapter ends with a few questions. And I think it will really change your life (like it has mine) to just think about them. Write them down if you want. Just skim them. It doesn't matter. Give it a try!
-What have you been hurrying through?
-What have you been hurrying to get to?
-What are some of the good parts of your experience that you've missed in your attempt to rush through the more difficult ones?
-What can you do differently today to "scrape the plate"- to gather up all the good things around you and begin enjoying the journey of your life?

Fairytales and Happy Endings

2012 has given me a lot to be thankful for!
More opportunities to sing and perform.
The strength to quit my job.
Finally getting into my major.
I'll be going to 2 new states.
I fell head over heels in love with the most amazing man I've ever met.
Awesome things at Wired at Crossroads Church.
30 Day Challenge with my family.
Ok, so you get the point! Things have been busy, and things have been great!
This year I will be 20 years old. It is incredibly easy to get caught in between where I was in high school and where I want to be after college. College is wonderful and fun and exciting... but it is also scary. When it's over, the real world begins! There's no stopping it. Thankfully, the Lord calms my fears:
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34
There's some analogy about driving in the dark. I can't exactly remember it, but it talks about when you're driving in the dark, you don't always have to see the destination. The important thing is that you're able to keep moving just a few feet at a time, and you'll make it where you need to go in the end.
I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I am working on knocking out the worry. I always try to do things with the best of intentions... and those things don't always work out. "The Boyfriend Fast" for example. Or going to Mercer. But I'm very lucky because I always learn something from all the things that don't work out.
All I can do is keep walking just a few feet at a time.
1. Finish these last couple weeks of work.
2. New Orleans
3. Wrap up this semester at school.
4. California
5. Find an internship or a job.

one at a time. one step at a time.

Breathe and Believe

"So breathe, life will surprise you.
Just be. It's what the world denies you.
You see the truth is all around you.
Believe."
-Brandon Heath, Beauty Divine


One of my professors is crazy. I mean, like certifiably, absolutely crazy. He teaches Anthropology 1001, so I guess he must be a little bit crazy. In order to be able to comprehend all the things that the human race has been through and where we're going, he must be a little bit disconnected from the rest of us here on Earth.
He is already challenging the entire base of knowledge and belief that I have built for myself over the last 19 years. Ironically, he has inspired me.
Okay, so he quotes people that I'm not sure exist... And he likes to continuously comment on all the miles that he runs or the fact that he does Tai Chi on his roof in the morning... And he likes to flirt with the pretty Indian girl on the front row... But he's got one thing right. He is constantly repeating how important it is that we live with passion. We have to live with bliss.
In class on Wednesday, he said, "The greatest joy in life is simply living." We've all heard this before. We've all heard things like this so many times before that we're sick of hearing it! For some reason though, yesterday I could not get his words out of my head. I have spent a lot of my time praying for joy or thinking about joy or telling myself, "I'll have joy when *this* happens or *this* happens." Why not now? Why not right here in this second?
It's funny. Every year, I make a list of New Year's Resolutions so long that I can never keep up with them for longer than maybe 4 or 5 days. Always with the best of intentions. This year, I started making my list, and then I scrapped it. The only thing I left on my list was to be happy. To find my joy. Sitting in class, I prayed to God saying, "You have sent this weird little man to keep me in check, huh? You are not letting me give up on my resolution this year! Thanks for that!"
It makes me so sad to see how people treat each other. How people treat themselves. Middle school girls tearing each other apart and breaking each other down for BOYS that probably don't even know their middle name much less care a thing about them. Teenagers and twenty somethings that judge and hate each other because maybe they're not headed in the same direction. Adults that can't find meaning in this blessing of a life, so they lash out on their families and friends in order to find some kind of power. Geeze, why in the world do we do this? Why don't we just love other people. And more than that, why can't we just love the moment and forget about everything else. Pettiness just distracts us from finding peace.
It would be easy to freak out about the fact that I haven't the slightest clue what I want to do when I graduate. But instead, I want to be a student passionately. I am not always going to be in this position that I'm in now. Right now, I have the ability to explore and experiment with what I think I might want to do with my life. That's awesome! It would also be easy to just throw the expectation of a relationship on this angel of a man that was brave enough to date me right now. But instead, I want to just be thankful for every moment that the Good Lord has blessed us with. As a member of the female species, I know that we jump to conclusions and can be extremely skeptical of a good thing. We are also very talented at squelching a good thing with "what if's" and "will this work's." I'm not doing the "Is he gonna stick around" routine. Or "this is too good to be true" dance. Today. Where we are in this moment is the happiest I've ever been. No exaggeration. And this is not a female dramatization. He is bliss. And that changes everything for me.
It's easier to hide from people that you went to high school with. Let's get real. Every one of you reading knows what I mean... It's easier to dwell on the fact that you haven't talked since graduation night. Or maybe you've reached out, and they shut you down? Maybe they reached out, and you're always too busy? I want to love on those people. I want to wave at them. Ask them how they are. Odds are, we'll never speak again, but in that moment, they're there. And I have to make sure they feel important for 5 seconds.
Traffic doesn't have to be something that forces us into a panic attack. An argument with a friend can be simple if we suck it up and end it with no expectation of being the "winner". Our dead end jobs don't have to ruin our days. Those mean, jaded people at school don't have to make us feel insecure or bad about who we are. The scale shouldn't hurt us. Our SAT scores shouldn't. Our terrible job. Our broken relationships. Nothing should. Because every day that we are blessed with is a new beginning. I know what you're thinking... "Macy, why are you just throwing cliches all over the place?" Because one day, when you hear it, it will click in your heart.
One day it will all mean something different. We'll be able to revel in it. The laughter of family members. The warmth of the sun. Friendships that mean everything. A kiss so magical, you never thought it could possibly exist. A smile from a stranger. Love. Pain. Energy. Compassion. How things taste. How things feel. When you're walking with bliss... Life is different. It's better. It's absolutely, recklessly perfect.
My anthropology professor is a smart man. He lives with reckless bliss. Reckless passion. And reckless happiness. It's something that I wish for myself as well as every single person on the planet.

Keep the Faith!

I've been asking God a lot lately... "What in the WORLD is your plan?"
I'm a Junior in college with no real idea what I want to do. I work at a place that is not even remotely related to what I go to school for. All my friends are headed down the aisle or at least have an idea when they'll be headed that way, while I am incredibly far from the aisle.
Today, God put a few verses in front of me that made my brain go, "DING!"
-"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
-"He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much." Luke 16:10
-"Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do." Ephesians 5:17

The Lord is screaming, "Macy, just be faithful!" Okay, so maybe I don't have many crazy party stories from high school or college? And maybe I am almost 20 years old, and I am participating in a boyfriend fast? I keep wondering when I'll know what I am supposed to do with this life, and God has it all under control! It feels good to be reminded. :)