I have been doing a great deal of soul searching in the past few weeks. I'm out here in Macon, basically alone, and I have all the newfound freedom and opportunity. I came here to major in Chemistry and become a Pharmacist, but everyday that goes by makes me think, "Hey, Is this what I really want?" Truth is, I'm just not sure. I kind of talked myself into believing that I worked so hard in high school, and now I'm in a private college that costs so much to attend... So that must mean that I have to become a doctor or a lawyer or a PHARMACIST. Those things will someday lead me to a lot of money, but as we all know, money can't buy happiness. I find myself fantasizing about being an Environmental Science major and working to improve water quality or soil quality somewhere. Also, my dreams of being a recording artist haven't exactly died yet... and why should they? If I work hard enough, I can do anything!
I started a new book, "The List" by Marian Jordan. Jordan helps us to realize that the "list" that we make for ourselves only sets us up for disappointment. We have to abandon our lists and trust in God. So often, I put my own faith in my grades or my family or Jamie or my friends, and no matter how amazing these things can be, I will always end up being hurt or let down in some form or fashion because I have to abandon my life to Him, and only Him. My favorite chapter has been the one about hope. She writes of how we try so hard to put our hope into worldly things: The man that we expect to come into our lives and change it forever, the job that we think waits for us after college, the 2.5 children we long to have with the white picket fence house we think will complete us. She says, "Hope can be an incredible feeling, but
real hope is so much more than a feeling!" She is totally and completely right. And a life with Christ is the only REAL hope we have.
Last night, I decided to go to 'Confessions of a Christian' which was held at my school. Six people got up to give their testimonies, and they were so incredible. It relit my fire so to speak, and I felt God move in me. When we were singing 'How He Loves Us,' it's like He was speaking to me. He was saying, "Macy, don't be silly. There's no reason to stress about your major or your job or your boyfriend or your family.. I have it all taken care of. And I will love you if you are a Pharmacist or a Musician or a corn farmer. You are flawless when you walk with Me."
Sometimes, I am gonna get stressed out. I am going to worry and place my hope into worldly desires that will never fulfill me. But in the end, I know I have Him to lean on, and He will lift me up and light my path no matter how dark it may seem.
