Perks of Being an Insomniac

Someone once told me that all great works of literature either come from very positive experiences or very negative ones.
You rarely hear hit songs about a love life that's just... blah. It's either overwhelmingly incredible or it's over and the worst pain the writer's ever felt. Books are similar. Nobody writes about a topic that just interests them slightly. They're either deeply moved, deeply touched or deeply upset by the topic they approach.
A few weeks ago, I updated this blog with all of this amazing news that I was doing cartwheels over. & I have read over that post many times since. I knew that the pressure would get to me, but I had no idea that it would come so soon.
It's a lot of pressure. Haha. It's a lot of deadlines. Many more than I expected. Speaking of expectations, it's a lot of those, too. Expectations are dangerous. Pressure is dangerous.
I have a lot to get done, and to be honest, I manage, by the grace of God, to find enough hours in the day to get it all completed. But that built up stress and anxiety leads me to not sleep. Sure, I fall asleep for a little while. Sometimes, like tonight, I fall asleep by 8:30. But I always wake up. With a pinch in my chest. This nagging sensation that things are falling apart. There's always more to do. && this is clearly not healthy. Haha.
How is this a perk, you ask?
I am being humbled.
It's always good if someone describes you as "humble." At least in my opinion, I think humility is a great trait. Before I end every conversation with God, I always ask Him to grant me with joy, peace and humility.
But "being humbled"... This is not really all that great. It normally involves being broken down. Yes, I am always working toward being a humble person, but I am always a little apprehensive about how God's going to get me there.
I know that this period of my life is just a stepping stone. It is incredible. There are so many opportunities. So many loose ends to tie up. So much excitement. So much going on... But it is still just a stepping stone. I am learning to be careful about getting wrapped up in the journey to the point of missing completely the destination.
I was talking to a woman that I met between classes at school last week. She was older. She had a wedding ring on, and she spoke of children. She was beautiful and graceful. She told me, "Honey, enjoy these years. Stay out too late, explore beyond the place you feel comfortable and go on as many dates as you can. Don't settle down too early." I know she was mostly kidding. It was clear that she adored her husband and children, but there was still something in her eyes that stuck with me as I drove home. She was a little bit envious.
To be honest, I was a little bit envious of her. I want to know where I end up.
I want to have a ring on my finger. I want to put a ring on some super lucky guy's finger... Haha.
I want to have a stable income and live in my own house.
I want one of the dogs that I look at every week on the internet from the humane society.
I want to stop commuting.
But maybe that's the point. The grass always seems greener on the other side.
We start to let ourselves believe that if we can just get to the other side, everything's going to fall together. It's going to fall into place.

On another note. But still something that January 2013 has taught me. I have a small confession.
If you know anything about me, you know that I am a hopeless romantic. I fight like mad to be independent... or at least to appear that way, but I think about who I am going to end up with probably more than the normal girl. Since I was about 15, I have written letters to my husband. This person that may or may not exist. Haha. So there's the back story.
A couple days ago, I decided that I wanted to part with the dozens of letters. I threw them out. It's not really a sad thing. It's not that I've given up on finding somebody to share life with. I'm just done waiting around for it to happen.
I am over the moon happy for my friends that have found people. Those that are engaged and those that aren't. Either way, I am so happy for them. I will be a bridesmaid. I will plan the showers. I will make toasts. I will support them. I will calm them down when they get angry & I will help them work through issues even when they want to set their partner on fire. I will babysit babies that they have. I will be Aunt Macy. I will do it all. & I will love every second. I am not jealous. I am truly & wholeheartedly happy.
But it's also a lot of pressure. It's kind of stressful. In one of my classes, my professor was telling me about how a woman's physical ability peaks at like 25... First of all, I want to know where she got these statistics... & secondly, I'm like, "Snap. That's kind of unfortunate."
Feelings can be extremely haphazard. They are extremely confusing. They are draining.
So. I'm done imagining some elusive man that probably doesn't exist.
No more letters. Which is probably more sad to me than it should be. Haha. Almost six years of something is gone.
But it's kind of liberating.
Ok, I'm definitely rambling.
I haven't had a full night's sleep in three weeks... Give me a break.
2013 will bring on the biggest decisions that I have ever had to make. It's the most difficult coursework I've ever experienced. The busiest schedule I've ever had. The most...lonely, I guess? That sounds a little more dramatic than I want it to, but words are failing me right now. I can't lie... the grass does seem greener on the other side.
But I'm staying right where I am. I'm going to make this grass, my grass, the greenest it's ever been.

A Grown Up?

I am standing on my head right now.
I want to jump on my bed and scream and do flips, but everyone is asleep & I can't wake them up.
Ladies & gents, this little girl just registered for the GRE. THE GRE. My graduate school entrance exam.
2013 is so full. It is brimming with opportunity. Brimming with promise. I'm not going to lie to you, I feel like I could throw up right now. Not necessarily in a bad way... Haha.
I start this semester on Monday.
I start my very first internship next week. I'm going to be working in a lab that tests children with learning disorders. We will try to uncover the mechanisms of the brain that differ between children that live with these disorders and those that don't.
On Valentine's Day, I'll apply for graduation. GRADUATION! I will be a college graduate in December. That hasn't even really sunk in yet.
Stephanie and I are going to South Carolina in March to help children living with obesity.
April 12th, I take the GRE.
I might take a quick trip to Colorado in May. For a secret purpose that will not be revealed until a later date... Haha.
I turn 21 May 15th.
I'm going to Cabo & Europe.
& my grad school applications are due December 3rd. 3 applications are going out. I hope they all come back with "yes's"! Or maybe I hope that only one comes back with a "yes"? One less decision I have to make.
There are so many other things that will be stuck in here or there. I'm going to run a half marathon. I'm finishing the Bible. (I am SO close to finishing it from start to finish.) I'm writing so much music. Etc. Etc. Etc.
I realize that you may read this and think, "Macy, we don't need an itinerary of what's going on in your life..."
I know, I know. But this is all so real.
I will be moving out in the next year and a half. I am growing up, and I really didn't think that would happen. I've always been kind of dependent. Dependent on my family. Dependent financially. Dependent on the guy I was dating. I've always just been terrified of making decisions for myself because I have been scared of letting down or pushing away the people that I love. If you asked me when I graduated high school where I would be now... I never would have guessed that the independent person that sits here typing would be the answer.
The reason that it's all just fallen into place like it has is because I've moved my dependency from these earthly things to the most wonderful, perfect heavenly thing!! I am completely dependent on my Jesus, and He steers me in the right direction. His direction.
Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I find my joy in Jesus. & everything else is just icing on the cake. Maybe God will send me all over the planet! Maybe I'll get to sing for a living. Maybe Tim Tebow will finally answer me on Twitter & he'll fall in love with me... Or some beautiful musician that I meet in Nashville? My thoughts are getting away from me. The point is. Those things are incredible. These opportunities that He has laid in front of me are truly blessings. & all of the opportunities that have yet to come my way are equally beautiful. But my true joy comes from Jesus. My time with Him. What I learn from Him. That's worth far more than anything I can find here on Earth.
I'm just so grateful. Tonight, while I was praying, the only thing I could think to say was just how incredibly thankful I am.
I always try to tie in some applicable information for people that read my blog in each post. But I feel like this one is more for me. When grad school starts, I am going to be so stressed out. Before I go on the trips that have been planned this year, I am going to be nervous. The tests. The applications. When I finally move out, I am going to have a nervous breakdown, I'm sure. Haha. The dates that I hope to go on this year... Wishful thinking, huh? Those are going to cause some butterflies, I'm sure. (If they occur!) I want to document this feeling. This moment of elation. This moment that is literally keeping me out of bed and pacing around in my room because so many dreams that I've had are becoming real.

When I was 15, Kaci Nalley and I participated in a pageant. Shoot, it was a trip... Anyway, there was this part of it when we had to dress in a suit, and walk across the stage and introduce ourselves and tell the audience what we planned to do with our lives.
I walked across the stage with perfect hair, makeup and an obnoxious red suit, grabbed the microphone and said, "My name is Macy Dennis. I'm from Douglasville, GA and I plan to obtain a doctorate degree in cognitive neuroscience." I know that a lot people thought that was weird. I mean there was one girl that said she wanted to be a teacher/ model/ astronaut or something... It's true. But this is happening!
Don't get me wrong. Something else might happen. God may call me into music before I get my Ph.D. Or something else entirely might happen for me. I am not going to get set in my own way. I'm following God.

I'm just excited. && to be honest, this gives me hope for other areas of my life that aren't exactly "coming together" like I thought they would. God will provide me with the perfect degree, the perfect career, the perfect home, the perfect opportunities to share His love, the perfect man, etc. Well, not "perfect" but perfectly suited for me!
If I could do cartwheels... I would do them right now.

Another Year!

For Christmas, I got one of those daily calendars that gives you a Bible verse or quote every day.
Today's was, "A godly woman faces her challenges with prayer, a sense of adventure and a great pair of boots."
I love this. It's funny because I read it while packing for Orlando; I was putting a pair of beautiful brown boots into my bag. God never fails to take moments like that and turn them into moments that teach me a great deal about my purpose.
Those of you that know me know that I love lists. Shoot, those of you that don't know me probably know that I love lists. It would seem like common knowledge that I would take advantage of the time of year when making a list of goals is commonplace. Thoughts about resolutions are running rampant through millions of minds today. Lists are being made. Promises created. Oaths taken. Diets are being changed. Cigarettes are being thrown away. Relationships are either being strengthened or discarded.
I do have a few resolutions. But nothing like the years before. I want to hit 119. I want to run an organized 5k... Not just one on the treadmill! And there are a few others.
I look forward to checking a few things off of my bucket list this year, and the excitement that gives me is probably a little too much. I am taking so many trips this year. So many new places. So many new people to meet.
I stood in the middle of my basement last night surrounded by the most incredible group of people. We huddled around the television. Dozens of us shouted the countdown and exclaimed, "Happy New Year!" loud enough for the neighbors to hear. I turned to see all of these faces that have been around so many other new year's eve's. We hugged & we kissed & for those moments, I was sort of lost. I looked at my friends with their boyfriends. Ones that have found their lobsters. & I was so excited for them. Excited that one day, I will find mine, too. I sent up some thoughts for mine... Wherever he is. I prayed that God would watch over him, and I thanked God that, one day, he and I will be together on New Year's Eve.
I looked at kids that are no longer kids anymore. They're growing up, and they are going to face their own challenges and triumphs this year. I looked at my family. Both blood and chosen. People that have made me into the person that I am. They are the reason that my life is so beautiful. Year after year.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are always kind of weird, in my humble opinion. The thought of ending a year is somewhat sad, and the thought of starting a new one is somewhat pressuring. In the last moments of 2012 and the first moments of 2013, I only felt blessed.
2012 was something else. I went to places that I never thought I'd go. I got closer to God than I ever imagined. I fell in love harder than I thought possible. I had my heart broken & then put back together. I made goals, and I made plans. I learned a lot & I felt a lot.
&& now I get to do it all over again!!
On the first day of 2013, God laid these words in front of me as soon as I woke up: "A godly woman faces her challenges with prayer, a sense of adventure and a great pair of boots!"
I am so excited. I have no idea where the Lord is going to take me this year!? I don't know where on Earth He will lead me. I don't know what He will teach me. Maybe I will figure out what I am going to do with this degree that I am going to get in 12 MONTHS. Maybe I will meet the man that I am going to spend my life with. Maybe I am going to lead someone where they need to be. Maybe someone will lead me where I need to be?
My resolutions are great, and I think that having goals is so important. But the biggest resolution that I have is just to have faith. Reckless faith. Passionate faith that reaches out and inspires other people to be passionate.
No matter where I go in the next few months, I will remember to bring my prayers, my sense of adventure and some really great boots!