Fasting Fail. What Now?

Before I begin, I just want you guys to know that this blog has had more than 4,000 hits... It's so incredible!
I love you so much, and thank you for reading my heart.

I've been contemplating. As most of you know, about 7 months ago, I started a thing called "The Boyfriend Fast." I had heard about it and read about it, and I thought that it would be good for me to try it. Stop relying on the male species to make me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. Blah. Blah. Blah. Anyway, so I failed. About a month and a half flew by and I found myself falling madly for a boy. I surrendered. Threw in the towel. Etc. Whatever you wanna call it. Long story short, here I am 5 months later-once again- "single."

You may call this a failure... I do not. I started the fast because I felt like I had hit a dead end. I was scared and confused and I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried to cut myself off from the dating world entirely. That's hilarious. & not just because it's me. I love relationships. (This is no secret) But staying in some bitter cocoon was a terrible idea. I wasn't trying the fast with an open and excited heart. I was trying to escape.

From the beginning, women were created FOR relational purpose. God created men and decided that the world needed something else, too. Man needed something else. Man needed a companion. Someone to walk the walk with! So no, I don't want to do it alone. I don't think God meant for me to. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I have totally avoided the chance to love big & love hard.

How I feel right now goes so far beyond desiring a dating relationship. I am absolutely, positively ENTHUSED about just picking up and moving on and doing things with the time I have right now. I love my bucket list. I love my summer list. Folks think they're corny or a waste of time... Who cares?! I learn so much with every item crossed off. I FEEL so much with every item crossed off.

Today, I read a blog post by a girl named Marina Keegan, I think? She graduated from Yale University and tragically died a few days after her graduation. The title was "The Opposite of Lonely," and I got something really big out of it. She was describing Yale as a place in which she felt the "opposite of lonely" but I can apply that to my current events. I really hate the word "single." Like ONE person. ALONE. No one else. Just me.. Yea, right. I am anything but "single". I've got the whole world! I live in a house always filled with people. I have wonderful friends. Nothing I do is really alone. Even when I don't have people physically around me, I've always got the Lord. & I think that's the concept that I have been missing.

I'm never going to stop believing that my person is out there. I don't care how many heartbreaks I experience or what I see in the relationships around me. But in the mean time, I am so not alone. Just like I talked about in a previous post... I thought it was the end of the world. We all do. We fall in love, and then breakup & it's the end of the world. But then we see that it's not! I now understand that it's not. It wasn't before. It's not now. And next time, it's not going to be either.

I am so thankful. Thankful to learn new things. Thankful to see new things. And I guess I'm even thankful to be 'single' again. I believe that God has a plan for everything. He wants me to grow, and I trust that He knows what I need to experience to be the woman that He wants me to be tomorrow. & I think I am growing. I never really felt ok about being a "just Macy." I wanted to be ok with it. I really did. But I never was. After all this, I'm ok. I believe in the future. But more than that, I believe that right now, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!

So how is this not a failure? I made a promise that I was going to stay without a boyfriend for a year. I didn't. And now I both ruined the fast and didn't get the guy either. It's not a failure because where I am right now is entirely different than where I was in November. I'm not scared. I feel more whole. This relationship taught me a lot about who I am and what I want. I gained back so much confidence. So much excitement & just renewed my overall outlook on things.

I've been through 2 breakups. 2 lay-in-your-bed-crying-with-ice-cream-and-oreos sessions. 2 cry-so-hard-your-eyes-hurt nights. Twice I felt like it was the end of the world. And twice it wasn't.

What now? Anything.