Nothing Left Unsaid

I don't have a problem with self esteem any more than the average girl.
We pinch, and we poke at problems that we see in the mirror.
We internalize the things that people say at us in anger during arguments.
We have bad days, and we doubt who we are and where we're going.
I preface my post today with this because this blog entry might make you think at first that I am down on myself, but then that I am full of it. Just bear with me.
I've already written once about the female "too much but not enough" paradox, and I feel that you can see where I'm coming from.
I would like to think I'm not too high maintenance. I am pretty go-with-it, and I don't rock the boat all that much. I just want everyone to be happy. But I know that romantically. Relationally. I can be a handful.
Not because I expect too much, but because I find it physically impossible to hold in my emotions. I've never been good at "playing the game." Sure, I have watched the game being played around me, and I could probably play it fairly well, but me being who I am, there's no way I would be happy in game mode.
I like for the cards to be on the table. If I feel a certain way, I don't understand why I can't (or shouldn't) say so. If the person I am dating feels a certain way, why should I have to read between the lines and find out for myself when it would be so much easier just to hear it from his mouth?
There are some days when I am just so overcome with emotion that I need to see the person's face. I need to talk to them face-to-face & make whatever it is I need to say all the more meaningful. There are some times that I have a thought in the shower early in the morning, and I don't want to forget it, so I will text it to whoever it concerns right at that moment. Yes, I am aware that you are asleep & I am even a little bit sorry that it's so early. Also, I tend to have bad dreams. They range from ax-murderer-chasing-me-through-the-house-nightmare to just basic unpleasantness, but I am going to want to talk about them. Most likely in the middle of the night. I am slightly sorry about this, too, but not enough to not wake you up at 3:00 in the morning.
These reasons and so many more are the things that seem to drive people that I have dated crazy. Haha. & when you're told more than once that you expect too much & you ARE too much, it makes you reevaluate. You begin to internalize the fact that you might be too much and not enough all at the same time.
There is a happy ending to this story.
I know that sometimes the over-the-top-run-to-them-with-everything-deep-meaningful attitude can suffocate. I have showed up at guy's houses that I was in love with just to tell them that I was because I believe in the power of looking someone in the eyes. They would always smile kindly but then use it as ammunition against me later. My actions "scared" them away. I didn't fit into their schedule. I busted in on them unannounced, and I didn't fit. Haha. Well, you know what? I have been dating the wrong guys!
To have someone drop everything they are doing just to come sit on your driveway with you for hours. To sit you down and tell you that no matter how you feel, they are in love with you! To not get in "trouble" when your text messages are a little bit too early in the day or a little too late at night.
Yes, I take a lot of maintenance. But relationships take a lot of maintenance! There are days that my emotions get the best of me. I'm a lot to handle. I'm confusing. I want to talk about things that might possibly be unpleasant. & ladies, I know that you know where I am coming from.
Men want us to believe that we need to just bottle it up until they are willing to open up. We are instructed to walk on eggshells & wait around until they are ready, so that we don't "scare" them away prematurely. How many times have you heard that you're the kind of person they want to be with... Just not "right now"?
Ladies, drop them! If they're not ready for you, what makes you think a couple years will change a thing. While you're "waiting," there are guys out there looking to listen to you. They want to take care of you. They want to sweep you off your feet metaphorically and literally. They want to tell you they love you in the middle of the night. In your driveway. Because that's what you deserve. You deserve to be cherished and loved in the same way that you have always tried to cherish and love others.
You can be yourself with them.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that it doesn't involve eggshells. Or waiting.
Only late night talks on the driveway, early morning text messages & someone to turn nightmares into dreams.