And the Countdown Begins!

Thanksgiving was so fun! I really did enjoy spending it at the beach. Even though it was quieter and I wasn't able to see all of my friends that went AWAYYY for college that came back! I loved being with my family, and reading and just sitting. Hah. I miss sitting. I don't really just sit anymore...

Three weeks till I go home for Christmas for good! Two weeks of class. Then one week of finals.... Ughhh finals. Just the thought of them makes my heart feel sad. :/ I have started a new diet plan. I was so hellbent on not gaining the feared freshman 15, but it is creeping up on me, and that is UNACCEPTABLE! Nothing drastic, I assure you, but things need to change. Immediately.
My bible study has been awesome! I am going through Genesis and learning some amazing things about my purpose and who I am in Christ. More than that, God and I have developed a much deeper relationship in the past 3 months, I think! Being at college, somedays you just feel all alone, but when you have your Bible and your prayers, He is always there. I have really seen Him show His compassion for me. He stands next to me and allows Himself to be a shoulder to cry on. I would go CRAZY if I didn't have His love to reinforce each step I take.

Next Lesson I've Learned:
I was drying my hair the other day, and a huge burden just fell off my heart. Instantly. I was thinking about how much I worry. I worry about everything, yes, but I mostly worry about things that don't matter. I worry about what others think about me. I worry about people getting the best of me. I worry about people not understanding or supporting the relationships that I have. I worry about this image... but that is so dumb! I love people because I want to. Because they hold some special place in my heart, and I do not have to explain that to anyone. Being cynical and worried about whether that love is being reciprocated is a waste of time. Whether it is a boyfriend or a friend or even a family member, I get joy out of loving them. And that's all that matters.
I worry about getting schoolwork done and how my professors will view me afterwards. I worry about things that I can't change like the weather and the future. Fate and others' feelings. I have no effect on these things yet I try so hard to control them with my worry. It's dumb, and I won't do it anymore! I am letting go of the stress and yucky emotional ties that weigh me down. I'm so tired of worrying.

Secret of Life?

Faith Hill seems to think that the secret to life is 'there ain't no secret'... 'and you don't get your money back!'
I have been thinking a lot lately about the so called 'secret of life'. At Mercer, we are required to take a class called First Year Seminar, and I was placed in First Year Seminar Experience. This class has been interesting, but more than just being interesting, it has caused me to think so much about who I am and why I am that way. Everyday in class, we are asked to give our opinions and beliefs on why the world is the way that it is. We've discussed the difference between good and evil, the root of evil, what constitutes a good person and what makes a bad one, etc. The sad part of the story is that I have found myself becoming skeptical, and that is the last thing I want to do. I have started to question so many things about who I am, and that is not ok. Trying to get back on track...
I think the secret to life is to STOP asking questions. Trying to define life and all of its glory is like trying to catch lightning. Life is too powerful and incredible to be reduced down to a simple explanation written in a textbook.
We need to stop talking and start listening. We need to stop thinking and start feeling.
I've spent all of my life trying to 'make sense of it all.' I guess that's what you get when you're 'smart.'...I overanalyze. I try to hard to find answers to things that require no question in the first place.
We need to learn to feel the pain when we exercise. Hahah. Learn to embrace the breath that flows into our body.
We need to stop questioning God and evil and simply allow Christ's grace to envelope our soul and erase the traces of evil from within.
We need to love with all that we have. With reckless abandon. With so much emotion and passion. If it doesn't work out and fails in the end, SO WHAT?!! We had the time of our lives in the process and felt incredible emotions that can never be replaced.
We need to stop worrying about money. Let the government worry about the economy... They're going to do what they want with the money anyway... With or without consent or approval.
We need to start looking in people's eyes when we ask them how they are. We need to just GIVE to others instead of expecting some sort payback.
We need to SCREAM. DANCE. CRY. LAUGH. FORGIVE and really... just feel.

Keep Holdin' On

I was aware that college would be hard, but I didn't think it was going to take my whole life by storm and change everything that I thought was going to happen. I came to Mercer uneasily. I was excited, but wayyy more nervous about it. After careful consideration, I have decided that it's just... OK. It is a great school, and the professors are amazing, but I'm just not sure if it's the place for me. Lately, we've had to make new schedules for next semester which forces me to think about the future past next semester. I came here thinking that I would go into Pharmacy, but after Chemistry, I become less and less sure everyday. I continue to tell myself that, "You just have to hold on for three and a half more years, and you'll be fine." I shouldn't and WONT live my life like that. I am miserable during the week, and live for the weekends when I get to go home. I have a job in which I only work about 6 hours a week so that I can go home on the weekends.
I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Being 'successful' in school, becoming Valedictorian, being accepted into a private school... these things have built up the expectations of everyone around me. Sure, I can go through with these seven years of pharmacy school, but I may just become miserable in the process.
I WANT to be close to my family. I WANT to be there for Mackenzie's school functions and birthday dinners. I WANT to be able to have a job that I work hard at weeks AND weekends, so I can pull my weight. I'm 18 years old. I should be contributing something. Those things are more important to me than dragging myself through four- eight years of school so that I can get a stamp of approval from an expensive private school and call myself successful.
Somedays I wake up and I realize that at Mercer, I don't live. I merely exist.