Who am I & Whose am I

A common theme has shown up in my life lately.
Identity.
I read about it in my devotional on Thursday, read about being "crucified with Christ" in Galatians on Saturday, the sermon was about it on Sunday & I have seen several posts about identity on Facebook & Twitter today.
I read this today:
"Not only do we not know God except through Jesus Christ, but we do not know ourselves except through Jesus Christ." -Blaise Pascal
I gave my life to Christ when I was 13. I was at First Priority at my middle school & I felt the Lord tugging at my heart strings, so I went down to the front, dropped to my knees & prayed for God to enter into my heart and make me whole.
I proceeded into high school much like everyone else. I did things that I knew were wrong. I said things that I had no business saying. I went places I knew I didn't need to be. I made mistakes, ya know? Sin. I was trying to form my identity from the things around me rather than from what I asked to be inside of me: Christ. Whether that meant wrapping myself up in dating relationships or friendships or extracurricular activities or my GPA, I was searching.
God was a part of my life, of course. I knew the worship songs. I read the Word. I went to services. I was doing everything that a "Christian" needed to do. Nobody wants to go to Hell, right? I sure didn't. I sure don't! But He was just a part of my life. He wasn't my life. I was comfortable with where God & I were together. I knew enough about Him so that I could keep up with appearances but still leave Him on the backburner when the things I wanted to do didn't fit into His plans for me.
My freshman year of college really changed everything for me. Being away from home with only Him to guide me, my freshman experience class, Winshape, deterioration of a relationship... It all just pushed me into God's arms moreso than I had ever experienced before. When I got home from Winshape, I started volunteering with Give Love Away & middle school & main stage worship at Crossroads. I cannot get enough of the Bible. & my actions have finally started to reflect Him rather than just my words. I was no longer "comfortable," and I never wanted to feel "comfortable" again.
Why am I telling you all this?
As a Christian, I feel that it is my duty to tell folks about Him. I do not take the fire and brimstone tactic. Of course, I want everyone to know about a savior that is powerful, merciful, beautiful & just because I want them to meet him & spend eternity in Heaven with Him. But at the same time, I want people to meet Him because the relationship that awaits them is a game-changer. It's a life-changer. So many times, we meet Christ, pray the prayer and tuck Him under our belt so we make sure we're "saved." We post a status or two, maybe tweet every once in a while a Bible verse that we hear. We make sure that we're seen at church, and we donate something... every once in a while... to a cause we think it reputable. But we still never get it.
God wants to save us. He wants to welcome us into eternity with Him when our time on Earth is finished, but what about in the meantime?
When you start dating someone, do you kiss them right on the mouth, ask them to marry you and then say, "Ok, this is really cool! You are so perfect! See you in 20 years when I'm done doing what I want to do & I'm ready to get serious!" Of course, not! We agonize over how they feel about us. We text them & call them & go on dates with them. We want to know about them. Learn about them. We fall in love with them, and we work hard to make them fall in love with us. Ok, ok... I know this is vastly different. But still. God is crazy in love with us. & He wants nothing more than for us to seek Him & fall madly in love with Him. When you ask God to come into your heart, it's not over. Salvation does not end with "the prayer." It starts with it.
Salvation is not just being saved in the afterlife. It's about being saved in this life. Gah, this life can be confusing sometimes. Where do you go? What do you do? What kind of job do you go after? What man do you look for? What do you do when all you want to do is strangle everyone that you come in contact with for no apparent reason? God wants to save us from the crap of this life.
When our eyes are fixed on Him, we can weather the storm and make it to the other side. When our identity is fixed on Him, we are unstoppable.
I am crucified with Christ. When I offered up my life to Him, I had no idea that it meant that I would have to "crucify" the longings of this life. The desires of this life. Sacrifices have to be made. & I spent a lot of years trying to cut corners so that I could make appearances but still hold on to the worldly things that I felt that I needed. But He is all I need. He is what I build my identity on. No, it's not always comfortable. No, it's not always easy or simple. & yes, I make mistakes daily.
But I am so in love with my Creator.
& seeking Him has caused me to find who He created me to be.

Nothing Left Unsaid

I don't have a problem with self esteem any more than the average girl.
We pinch, and we poke at problems that we see in the mirror.
We internalize the things that people say at us in anger during arguments.
We have bad days, and we doubt who we are and where we're going.
I preface my post today with this because this blog entry might make you think at first that I am down on myself, but then that I am full of it. Just bear with me.
I've already written once about the female "too much but not enough" paradox, and I feel that you can see where I'm coming from.
I would like to think I'm not too high maintenance. I am pretty go-with-it, and I don't rock the boat all that much. I just want everyone to be happy. But I know that romantically. Relationally. I can be a handful.
Not because I expect too much, but because I find it physically impossible to hold in my emotions. I've never been good at "playing the game." Sure, I have watched the game being played around me, and I could probably play it fairly well, but me being who I am, there's no way I would be happy in game mode.
I like for the cards to be on the table. If I feel a certain way, I don't understand why I can't (or shouldn't) say so. If the person I am dating feels a certain way, why should I have to read between the lines and find out for myself when it would be so much easier just to hear it from his mouth?
There are some days when I am just so overcome with emotion that I need to see the person's face. I need to talk to them face-to-face & make whatever it is I need to say all the more meaningful. There are some times that I have a thought in the shower early in the morning, and I don't want to forget it, so I will text it to whoever it concerns right at that moment. Yes, I am aware that you are asleep & I am even a little bit sorry that it's so early. Also, I tend to have bad dreams. They range from ax-murderer-chasing-me-through-the-house-nightmare to just basic unpleasantness, but I am going to want to talk about them. Most likely in the middle of the night. I am slightly sorry about this, too, but not enough to not wake you up at 3:00 in the morning.
These reasons and so many more are the things that seem to drive people that I have dated crazy. Haha. & when you're told more than once that you expect too much & you ARE too much, it makes you reevaluate. You begin to internalize the fact that you might be too much and not enough all at the same time.
There is a happy ending to this story.
I know that sometimes the over-the-top-run-to-them-with-everything-deep-meaningful attitude can suffocate. I have showed up at guy's houses that I was in love with just to tell them that I was because I believe in the power of looking someone in the eyes. They would always smile kindly but then use it as ammunition against me later. My actions "scared" them away. I didn't fit into their schedule. I busted in on them unannounced, and I didn't fit. Haha. Well, you know what? I have been dating the wrong guys!
To have someone drop everything they are doing just to come sit on your driveway with you for hours. To sit you down and tell you that no matter how you feel, they are in love with you! To not get in "trouble" when your text messages are a little bit too early in the day or a little too late at night.
Yes, I take a lot of maintenance. But relationships take a lot of maintenance! There are days that my emotions get the best of me. I'm a lot to handle. I'm confusing. I want to talk about things that might possibly be unpleasant. & ladies, I know that you know where I am coming from.
Men want us to believe that we need to just bottle it up until they are willing to open up. We are instructed to walk on eggshells & wait around until they are ready, so that we don't "scare" them away prematurely. How many times have you heard that you're the kind of person they want to be with... Just not "right now"?
Ladies, drop them! If they're not ready for you, what makes you think a couple years will change a thing. While you're "waiting," there are guys out there looking to listen to you. They want to take care of you. They want to sweep you off your feet metaphorically and literally. They want to tell you they love you in the middle of the night. In your driveway. Because that's what you deserve. You deserve to be cherished and loved in the same way that you have always tried to cherish and love others.
You can be yourself with them.
I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that it doesn't involve eggshells. Or waiting.
Only late night talks on the driveway, early morning text messages & someone to turn nightmares into dreams.

Doubt

I use the phrase, "There's not a doubt in my mind," a lot.
Maybe because it's the most serious way I know how to get my point across?
Maybe it's just my passion overflowing into my speech?
I don't know. I just know that I probably say that to someone at least once a day.
There was no doubt in my mind that all of us in middle school would still be friends to this day. I mean like the group that we went to 8th grade dance with... You guys know who I mean. Haha.
There was no doubt in my mind that Douglasville would be the place in which I raised my own family.
There was no doubt in my mind that I would cheer all through high school.
There was no doubt in my mind that my grandmother would watch me graduate.
There was no doubt in my mind that I would graduate & move to Tuscaloosa.
There was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't make it through the application process for Winshape.
There was no doubt in my mind that I would be strong enough to follow through with my boyfriend fast.
But then, oddly enough...
There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to marry Ryan.
You see, I am passionate. But not quite accurate. Haha.
I am not complaining. God has placed me exactly where I need to be to do His work. I am merely examining how life throws curveballs. We can never keep up with them.
I have been struggling with that more than I am proud to admit.
Should we be ashamed when the things that we hold so tightly to fall apart? I mean, we let those things get the better of us. We let those things break us down. We let those things scare us and sometimes even change us.
In those moments, I believed.
Those fleeting moments made their way into my life. & I clung to them. Is that wrong? That I didn't evaluate... I just felt. I didn't examine... I just went. With the innocence of a child, I believed. & it mattered.
It's not wrong. Did your friendship fall apart? Did you not make it to the school you wanted to make it to? Did you flunk out? Did you let your family down? Did you let your friends down? Did your marriage fall apart? Or your engagement? Or your relationship? Well, my heart goes out to you. Something you believed in is no longer there. & I know you hurt.
But hurt is not bad. Hurt is not wrong.
You're growing.
Whether you like it or not. You are becoming something amazing!
So don't doubt.
If you'd known that it wasn't going to work out, would you change anything?
Would you forsake the moments?
If you'd known that the one thing you thought you could trust would be the one thing that you trust the least, would you take it back?
I didn't think so.