What I Know Now...

I recently read a book called “What I Know Now, Letters to My Younger Self.” It is a collection of thoughts written by powerful women in our society to themselves years before. In this book, I found letters written by Madeleine Albright, Macy Gray, Trisha Yearwood, Maya Angelou, Nora Roberts, Queen Noor, Vanna White, and many other powerful, well-known women.

The amount of beauty and wisdom written in the pages have been nothing short of inspiring. So inspiring that I have been moved to write a letter of my own. Although I do not have the life experience that many of these women have, I do look back on my years and see a pivotal time that I wish I knew then what I know now.

When I was 18, I thought I had a plan. I was holding my heart together by myself, and I was failing to let a God so much bigger than me guide my life. I was in a relationship that was holding my spirit captive, unable to truly live the life my God created me for. I was a prisoner to irrational expectations for my future that only I reinforced. This is my letter to me… Nearly four years ago.

Macy,

You’ve just graduated from high school. Valedictorian of your class. Senior class president. State board member of the National Honor Society. You’ve starred in the musicals in your high school, and you just accepted a nice scholarship to Mercer University in Macon. You want to be a pharmacist, and even though you try to convince yourself that it is because you love to help people, we both know it is because that is the future you believe that a girl with your track record needs to have. Because of your academic success and lucrative upbringing, you believe that everyone expects you to enter into a big, high-paying job that seems complicated and important.

Well, stop. Nobody thinks that. If you would really listen to your heart for more than the few minutes you’ve allowed yourself, you could have saved your parents some hard-earned dollars as well as yourself some drama and wasted time.

Let me tell you this though, Mercer has given you a few things. It gave you Stephanie. She will become one of the most incredible people that you have in your life. She will be a powerful force that you secretly wish you could be like. The more assertive ying to your passive yang.

Mercer gave you your independence. Don’t get me wrong, you are still learning to say “no” and to pick your battles, but it gave you the distance you needed to let go of the reigns that you held so tightly to. In those moments that you knew no one, God spoke to you, and you know that. You felt His presence, and when you return back home, you will find His love breaking every chain you once held. You will even experience baptism with your sister! It’s awesome, and I can’t wait for you to see it.

Mercer also gave you the push you needed to let go of a painful relationship. It gave you the will power to take control of your life and truly realize that you deserve greatness. It takes hitting rock bottom, but you find love. You find the most incredible love that rocks you to your core. As I write you this letter, your love is in the next room playing video games with Grayson. Just hearing his voice will make every heartbreak worth it. As I sit here and write, I can hear his laugh, and tears spring to my eyes. You have no idea what is coming to you… & it is beautiful, girl. It moves you. It changes you. He loves you in the most perfect way. More than you expected. More than you deserve. And my goodness, he's good looking. Piercingly good looking. Makes you weak in the knees good looking. Oh, and that day that you're shopping at Forever 21, and you debate over whether or not to buy that white, lace shirt... Go back & buy it. He likes it & he remembers it even nine months later. 

So my advice to you is to just hold on. Even as you sit in the hallway of your dorm building and sob to your mom about how you want to come home, just keep holding on. You are so unsure if it’s the right decision for you. IT IS!

Come home, Macy. Life is good here.

I rarely ask you to respond to these blogs. But today, I do.

I ask that you reflect on a time in your life that you would write a letter to yourself. If you feel so inclined, send it to me. I would love to redistribute the wisdom so that everyone can see it. Pass this on, and write your own letters.

I love you all. & I pray that you realize the power you hold.

Lessons. From a Dog.

As many of you know, we recently lost our dog, Ozzie.
Ozzie was just a good dog. The closest thing to human I have ever seen.
He was almost 14 years old. In our lives almost as long as Mackenzie has been!
He was absolutely a part of our family and a piece of us.
Ozzie was a miracle dog. He underwent a few very serious surgeries, had his spleen removed, had cancer and still managed to run up and down the driveway when unidentified people drove by.
A couple months ago, the vet told us that his cancer was back, and because he was 13 years old, chemotherapy seemed useless. It was kind of a waiting game.

Ozzie was one of those dogs that had to be right in the center of everything. He would follow us around the house when we went from room to room and just lay there & hang out regardless of what we were doing. If we had people over, he wanted to be in the middle of everyone. The life of the party! He had a way of waiting right until you got in bed and then standing on his hind legs to scratch the side of the bed. He wanted in. He wanted to snuggle. The past year or so, he couldn't jump anymore, so he would just wait until you got OUT of bed to pick him up & put him on the bed with you.

I learned something really important through all of this.
With Ozzie, we knew that his life was coming to an end. I know for me, it influenced the way I related to him. The way I treated him. The attention I gave him.
I think that knowing that we will soon lose something causes us to look at it in a new way.

If we know our significant other is going out of town for a prolonged time, the little things fall away. Arguments are easier to avoid. We just focus on soaking up their presence. We focus on loving them as hard as we can for the amount of time that we can.
If we know that we're about to graduate (from whatever program, school, etc) we are able to embrace the goodness in that period of our lives. I know that a lot of my friends are graduating from college soon. From places that they've grown to love. When you know you're about to leave somewhere or something, things that would normally irritate you suddenly become less important than the things that you'll miss.
If we're struggling with our health or if we're worried about the health of someone that we love. If we experience loss, whether it is sudden or expected, our value of life skyrockets.

But what if we lived like that regardless?
Regardless of whether we knew the end were coming or if we didn't know.
What if we let traffic bother us less and rolled down the windows to experience the gift of free time and good radio?
What if we allowed snide comments from the people we love to roll off our back, and we instead gave a word of love to them in response?
What if we stopped focusing on the fact that our bank accounts aren't where we want them to be, and we gave what we do have to people that aren't sure if they'll pay rent this month. Or if they'll feed their families tonight?
What if we truly left work at work, and we came home to invest in our families? In our parents? In our spouses? In our loved ones?
What if we stopped complaining about the rain and were thankful for God's provision, no matter what form it comes in?
What if we stopped waiting for what was going to happen after we graduated? After we got married? After we moved out?
What if we lived right NOW! In this moment.

We knew we were going to lose Ozzie. We knew, so we were able to pay attention to him when we may have walked past because we were busy. We were able to love on him no matter how many times he clawed our comforters apart. Or barked at the doors. Or waited to be picked up and taken downstairs.

But the truth is, we could lose anything. At anytime. There is no guarantee for anything in our world. The only thing that is forever is our relationship with Christ. He has given us so many gifts that we simply take for granted. Joy that we miss because we're focused on our misfortunes. Laughter that we miss because we're focused on pain. Love that we miss because we're focused on loss. Relationships that we miss because we're focused on the past.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss it. I don't want to invest my heart in worry or anger or fear when the things available to me are fulfillment and joy and happiness.

Who would you treat differently if you knew you were going to lose them?
How would that change how you live?
I know for me, it would change a lot of things.
I pray that we're both able to embrace those changes.
& I hope we're both able to learn such an incredible lesson.

...from a dog.

You Don't Get It Back

First of all, understand that this is only my humble opinion.
It's not my style to step on toes or be offensive. I would never purposefully call anyone out to criticize their choices or their attitude. People live differently, and I respect that.
With that being said, going to high school football games the past few weeks has really inspired me to open up this blog that I thought I would never return to.

I hope that my observations and my opinions can strike a chord with high schoolers, pre-high schoolers and post-high schoolers alike. If not, it at least feels good to be on the blog again!

I have done a lot of research on adolescent development. The brain is constantly changing along with the body from infancy to adulthood. Age 12 to 14 is a critical period for social development, and as we enter high school, our identities are shaping. It hurts. We learn so much about the world, but we don't realize it. That's why so many of us rebel. We learn the hard way, and we miss so many important things. The saddest part is that we don't recognize that we missed them until they're gone.

So...

I've been thinking.

There are so many things that we just can't get back. We have to embrace them and find the kind of joy in those things that will last us a lifetime. Even after they're gone.

Here's my list. Do with it what you will.

1. Cheer for your team... You don't get it back.
This may sound cheesy. For some of you, school spirit is overrated. Yelling at a football game or sitting still to watch the band is lame, right? "Friday Night Football" is just a time for you to come out with your friends and gossip or act cool. Oh, man... You're missing it. Look, I didn't go to many high school football games, so I'm not hating. But I wish I had. If you are "too cool for school" and you refuse to wear your school colors to a game... Stop it!

2. Thank your parents for being there for you... You don't get that time back.
You know all of that time they spend taking you from place to place. Or sitting through YOUR game. Or all that money they spend while your "twentying" them to death every time you leave the house. But when they try to have a real give-and-take conversation with you, you don't have time. Or maybe you really don't have time? If that's true, then you should at least say, "thanks." You have friends in your classes that don't have a mom or dad to come home to. Or their parents aren't around. Their parents don't care. But man, if their parents would come around, I bet they'd be more appreciative than you are of your parents that are always there. Quit ignoring yours. Quit making fun of them or taking advantage of them. Again... Stop it!

3. Respect your high school relationship... You don't get that back.
Love them. Respect them. Invest in them. Whether it works out or not is not the point. This love that you have right now is the deepest thing you've ever experienced. I know that high school can be overwhelming because there seem to be so many CHOICES. My sister comes home every week talking about how somebody cheated on somebody else... Is that what relationships mean to you? Well, let me warn you... That's not going to work out for you in the long run. Nobody's going to take you seriously. Nobody wants to treat you the way that you want to be treated because you've set your own standard by sleeping around. Just stop it!

4. Get over your high school relationship... You don't get that back.
I might be contradicting my last point. Confusing, huh? Listen. If your relationship does end, stop trying to put it back together. ESPECIALLY if you were partnered up with one of "those" that couldn't handle all the choices that I talked about above. I know that there are always exceptions to the rule. Sometimes you break up, take a little time, then you get back together and stay together forever & ever... but most of the time, you just don't. Once you break it once, it's never going to fit back together again in the same way. Stop crying. Stop picking fights. Stop creating drama. && I'll say it again... Stop it!

5. Stop doing drugs. Stop getting wasted. Stop sleeping around... You don't get this back.
High school is the biggest time of mistakes. If you haven't made one yet, give it a little time... You will. You're going to mess up at school. You're going to argue with your family. You're going to stay out too late. You're going to say something to someone or about someone that you KNOW that you shouldn't. I get that. I did that. But stop acting a fool. Do you have any idea how many cells in your body you are killing with all of those chemicals? Do you have any idea what you're doing to your psyche while you're adding all of these sexual partners to your track record? I know that you don't. & to be honest, I know that you don't care right now. But you will. When your body starts deteriorating at 23. When those pictures of you in a bikini funneling beers you thought was cute on Facebook keeps you from getting the job that you've worked so hard for. When you FINALLY find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and they don't think it's so "cool" that you slept with more people than a MARTA bus can hold. So. Once again. Please listen to me. Stop it.

6. Have Fun! You don't get it back.
Life after high school looks enticing. & don't get me wrong, it has been a complete blessing in every form to me personally. But it's not easy. Whether you're headed to college or you're headed into the workforce, it's hard. Haha. I don't know any other word to describe it. Your days of sleeping in are numbered. Your days of "points just for being here" are numbered. Your days of seeing your best friend in class every day are numbered. Your days of only needing a part-time job are SOOOO numbered. When I was in high school, I thought I was so grown up. Especially when I could drive. I thought I was so cool. I thought I really had it together, and nobody could tell me different. & I see that so many of you feel similarly. Your confidence is great! I applaud you, and I hope that your future is what you think it will be. But along with your confidence, I hope you have resilience. Because your plan is GOING to change. & those setbacks hurt. They are not fun. So start having fun! Stop evading it because you're too "grown-up!" Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!!

All of this sounds really grim, right? "Macy, you're just a mean old lady that wants to pick on high schoolers now that you're not one." I hope that's not your thought. Because that is NEVER my intent. I was there almost four years ago. & I remember. Woah, there are so many things I wish I had handled differently. So maybe that's why I'm so passionate about other people figuring it out before they've missed it.
Embrace every single day. Every single person. Every single moment.
Trust me, you don't get it back.

Good Girls & Good Intentions

First, you must know that this post was inspired by a book called "Graceful" by Emily P. Freeman.
This book has literally been sitting on my desk, staring at me, for at least 6 months now.
I actually picked it up tonight as a means to distract myself from the crazy homework load ahead of me this week. How guilty can you feel about not writing a paper about domestic violence when you're reading a book about Jesus? I know, I know... That's a sad way to use my spirituality.
Anyway, this book hit me. It answered so many questions that I had regarding where I was going. Where I am supposed to go from here? Where does GOD want me to go from here? Before I started "Graceful" I prayed about God answering me in a way that my small, tiny mind would understand. That the answer would resonate within me. & He answered me. Hugely.

I'm a "good girl." Always have been. Will always be.
The author of this book is so me, I can't even explain it without taking words right from her.
She described her "good-girl-ness" as follows:

"I have exactly one piercing in each ear. And only my ears. I don't have any tattoos. Needles.
I didn't sneak into rated-R movies, I didn't skip class except on senior skip day, and even though I did cheat on a few tests in biology, I felt super guilty about it. I didn't drink in high school because it was illegal and because I watched people throw up when they drank too much. But I liked having friends too much to skip the parties altogether, so I was the designated driver for my girlfriends. That got real old really fast."

She goes on to talk about her experiences in middle & high school. Yes, me. To the letter. But, so what? There's another girl out there that's kind of like me? Why should you care about this?
Because I think a lot of us are hiding behind this "good girl" (or "good boy") facade that she explained. Being a Christian, we know the stories about boundless, beautiful grace that God gives to those that come out of the pit. Past drug addicts. Abusive people. Those struggling with all kinds of disorders and illnesses and backgrounds. We know that God embraces those people. When we tell others about Jesus, we tell them that He died for "the least of these." We know the scriptures that detail how Jesus reaches out to the sick. "Healthy people don't need a hospital; sick people do."
So what about those of us that are somewhere in the middle? Those of us that grew up in a Christian home. We learned the Bible stories. We know God's grace through Jesus Christ. We pray (maybe not as often as we should). Of course, we sin, but we haven't committed any "big" sins. (As if they're all different?) We know what the Christian life is supposed to look like, so we stress about measuring up to it. We know that God is actively searching to love and heal the weak. The wicked. The jaded. Those that are so far from Him. We actually start to believe that if He is looking so hard for those people, then He might miss us? We feel a little closer to the source of His mercy. We know enough to want more, but we keep our distance. That distance isn't quite as far as someone else's distance, so will God look over us to find them?
We try to "be good" so God will notice us. We want God to see us acting like "good Christian folk" and we miss the point. We treat God like He is a distant, blurry shadow watching us from afar. He is an active participant in our lives. He is so close. We are not acting FOR God. We should be interacting WITH God.
Think about original sin for a second. Eve did not cheat on Adam. She wasn't doing drugs in the bushes. They weren't in an abusive relationship. Sin entered the world because Eve believed a lie about a piece of FRUIT. Fruit. It wasn't even chocolate covered. There was no caramel sauce involved here. It was healthy. It was good. It was the perfect "good-girl-temptation."

Many people hide behind their insecurities. But a lot of us are hiding behind our securities. I'm guilty of this. When my faith gets tied up and my heart is bruised, I go back to what I know. I hide behind my intelligence. I hide behind music. I hide behind the faith of my family. I hide behind the things that I feel that I'm good at. I feel confident in those things, so I stay there. I don't venture out.
I hide behind the rules because I feel that I am closer to God by checking them off one by one.
I hide behind my good reputation, and I struggle to follow an unpredictable God in fear that people won't understand why.
I hide behind positive emotions and a plastic smile because I fear that people will see that I am a neurotic mess.
But I'm not alone. We all do this.
We're hiding. But the best part of hiding is being found.
God is seeking me. My heart. You. Your heart.
We can only hide for so long.

Us hiders spend a lot of time asking questions. We think just because we spend so much time hiding that God is hiding the answers from us. But really... The answers are all there. Right in front of us. We're inadvertently hiding from the life that God has meant for us to live.
Maybe you're worrying about what kind of job you'll end up with. Maybe you hate your current job. Maybe you're praying about a relationship. An almost-relationship. Maybe you don't know what school you're supposed to go to. You're unsure of your next steps. But you're way too good to let them see you sweat... You keep up the facade. Then when the fear, anxiety and uncertainty sets in, you lift your head to the sky and ask, "What am I supposed to do?"
You're asking the wrong questions. You should ask yourself, "What am I going to believe?"

If you believe in God, then you can find confidence in His perfect plan. His perfect grace. It seems too good to be true, I know. I get caught up in the grace effect daily. But living the Christian life is not at all about the things that you do. The rituals. The rules. It's about who you are. It's about reflecting Jesus, and letting Him completely wreck you. Letting Him define you.
We have to stop hiding behind the "good" stuff so that we can experience the GREAT stuff. Sure, comfortable is good. But there is nothing comfortable about living out loud for Jesus.
We can continue striving for "good" all on our own... Or we can reach for His greatness. His righteousness. & He'll reach back.
Every time.

Fear & Pain

I love The Biggest Loser. 
It has a little to do with the fact that I have an embarrassingly large crush on Bob Harper... But it mostly has to do with the fact that I love life change. These people lose hundreds of pounds. Their lives are altered forever, and I think it's awesome! 
Another thing: I have an overwhelming fear of needles. Or maybe it's blood? I don't really know? All I do know is that the last time I got my finger pricked... I passed out on the floor and Stephanie had to come babysit me. Listening to someone TALK about having surgery tonight made me light leaded. 
Ok, back to the point.
Tonight, a theme that has presented itself to me over & over during the past couple weeks was presented on The Biggest Loser. They faced their fears. One of them sang in front of an audience, another one swam in the open ocean, etc. Facing fears is never a fun thing... It hurts. It's not necessarily something that we look forward to doing. I never look forward to going to the doctor. The thought of having a baby makes me instantly dizzy... and I am not even DATING anyone... It's not even a pertinent worry, but it makes me nauseous. 
I was talking to a research assistant at the lab that I work at just the other day, and he was talking about how fear and pain are feelings that are completely relevant. They come, and they go, and there is little we can do to stop them. They're like impulses. The thing that is important to remember about them is that they don't last forever. If fear or pain is prolonged... then we're making a choice to allow them to persist in our lives. Suffering or worry is just pain & fear that we choose to allow in our hearts.
I have been reading Romans over and over again through the past couple of weeks. 
This verse has stuck out to me, and I have it written on several index cards strategically placed... well, everywhere. (Maybe there is little strategy involved?) 
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ""Abba," Father." Romans 8:15. 
We should never be slaves to fear. God has released us from those chains.
So, as you can see, the idea of fear has been on my mind a lot lately. It has been all over the place, so, of course, I find it necessary to type it out.
Back to The Biggest Loser. I don't know how staged the show is? It is reality television, so all of the "emotional breakthroughs" could have no real emotional merit. I don't know? It's not up to me to know. I try not to be a skeptic. What I do know is that losing weight or becoming healthy or dropping a habit or getting out of an abusive relationship or giving your life to Christ... all of those things are life change. & life change happens when you face fear. 
Losing a couple pounds because you started a new weight loss program and then gaining it back when your body acclimates to a couple miles on a treadmill once or twice a week is not life change. 
The Biggest Loser people are changing the in's and out's of what they do on a daily basis. They are learning how to tackle real life problems. They are renewing their minds so that they can make a lifestyle change instead of just a temporary body change. It's scary. I mean, if you've ever watched the show, you see the fear in their eyes when Jillian tells them to run at a 7.0 for 5 minutes when they're like 400 pounds... That's fear! No doubt! 
We have to renew our minds... Change our thinking... Make choices that impact our lives for the better every day. 
Not everyone struggles with weight. These people on TV were afraid that obesity would claim their lives. You may not have that struggle. 
Your fear may be something else entirely. 
Maybe you fear that your health will fail you. 
Maybe you fear that someone's health that you love with fail them.
Maybe you fear being alone. 
Maybe you fear failure.
Maybe you fear losing your husband or your children or your parents. 
Maybe you fear change in general. 
I have no idea what it is that scares you. 
But I do know that you have a choice to either let that fear overpower you or let that fear go. 
I have no idea what the real point of this post is? 
It's hard to post a blog telling people to do something that I so clearly do not have control over myself. 
We're all works in progress. :)
& we're doing it together! 

Perks of Being an Insomniac

Someone once told me that all great works of literature either come from very positive experiences or very negative ones.
You rarely hear hit songs about a love life that's just... blah. It's either overwhelmingly incredible or it's over and the worst pain the writer's ever felt. Books are similar. Nobody writes about a topic that just interests them slightly. They're either deeply moved, deeply touched or deeply upset by the topic they approach.
A few weeks ago, I updated this blog with all of this amazing news that I was doing cartwheels over. & I have read over that post many times since. I knew that the pressure would get to me, but I had no idea that it would come so soon.
It's a lot of pressure. Haha. It's a lot of deadlines. Many more than I expected. Speaking of expectations, it's a lot of those, too. Expectations are dangerous. Pressure is dangerous.
I have a lot to get done, and to be honest, I manage, by the grace of God, to find enough hours in the day to get it all completed. But that built up stress and anxiety leads me to not sleep. Sure, I fall asleep for a little while. Sometimes, like tonight, I fall asleep by 8:30. But I always wake up. With a pinch in my chest. This nagging sensation that things are falling apart. There's always more to do. && this is clearly not healthy. Haha.
How is this a perk, you ask?
I am being humbled.
It's always good if someone describes you as "humble." At least in my opinion, I think humility is a great trait. Before I end every conversation with God, I always ask Him to grant me with joy, peace and humility.
But "being humbled"... This is not really all that great. It normally involves being broken down. Yes, I am always working toward being a humble person, but I am always a little apprehensive about how God's going to get me there.
I know that this period of my life is just a stepping stone. It is incredible. There are so many opportunities. So many loose ends to tie up. So much excitement. So much going on... But it is still just a stepping stone. I am learning to be careful about getting wrapped up in the journey to the point of missing completely the destination.
I was talking to a woman that I met between classes at school last week. She was older. She had a wedding ring on, and she spoke of children. She was beautiful and graceful. She told me, "Honey, enjoy these years. Stay out too late, explore beyond the place you feel comfortable and go on as many dates as you can. Don't settle down too early." I know she was mostly kidding. It was clear that she adored her husband and children, but there was still something in her eyes that stuck with me as I drove home. She was a little bit envious.
To be honest, I was a little bit envious of her. I want to know where I end up.
I want to have a ring on my finger. I want to put a ring on some super lucky guy's finger... Haha.
I want to have a stable income and live in my own house.
I want one of the dogs that I look at every week on the internet from the humane society.
I want to stop commuting.
But maybe that's the point. The grass always seems greener on the other side.
We start to let ourselves believe that if we can just get to the other side, everything's going to fall together. It's going to fall into place.

On another note. But still something that January 2013 has taught me. I have a small confession.
If you know anything about me, you know that I am a hopeless romantic. I fight like mad to be independent... or at least to appear that way, but I think about who I am going to end up with probably more than the normal girl. Since I was about 15, I have written letters to my husband. This person that may or may not exist. Haha. So there's the back story.
A couple days ago, I decided that I wanted to part with the dozens of letters. I threw them out. It's not really a sad thing. It's not that I've given up on finding somebody to share life with. I'm just done waiting around for it to happen.
I am over the moon happy for my friends that have found people. Those that are engaged and those that aren't. Either way, I am so happy for them. I will be a bridesmaid. I will plan the showers. I will make toasts. I will support them. I will calm them down when they get angry & I will help them work through issues even when they want to set their partner on fire. I will babysit babies that they have. I will be Aunt Macy. I will do it all. & I will love every second. I am not jealous. I am truly & wholeheartedly happy.
But it's also a lot of pressure. It's kind of stressful. In one of my classes, my professor was telling me about how a woman's physical ability peaks at like 25... First of all, I want to know where she got these statistics... & secondly, I'm like, "Snap. That's kind of unfortunate."
Feelings can be extremely haphazard. They are extremely confusing. They are draining.
So. I'm done imagining some elusive man that probably doesn't exist.
No more letters. Which is probably more sad to me than it should be. Haha. Almost six years of something is gone.
But it's kind of liberating.
Ok, I'm definitely rambling.
I haven't had a full night's sleep in three weeks... Give me a break.
2013 will bring on the biggest decisions that I have ever had to make. It's the most difficult coursework I've ever experienced. The busiest schedule I've ever had. The most...lonely, I guess? That sounds a little more dramatic than I want it to, but words are failing me right now. I can't lie... the grass does seem greener on the other side.
But I'm staying right where I am. I'm going to make this grass, my grass, the greenest it's ever been.

A Grown Up?

I am standing on my head right now.
I want to jump on my bed and scream and do flips, but everyone is asleep & I can't wake them up.
Ladies & gents, this little girl just registered for the GRE. THE GRE. My graduate school entrance exam.
2013 is so full. It is brimming with opportunity. Brimming with promise. I'm not going to lie to you, I feel like I could throw up right now. Not necessarily in a bad way... Haha.
I start this semester on Monday.
I start my very first internship next week. I'm going to be working in a lab that tests children with learning disorders. We will try to uncover the mechanisms of the brain that differ between children that live with these disorders and those that don't.
On Valentine's Day, I'll apply for graduation. GRADUATION! I will be a college graduate in December. That hasn't even really sunk in yet.
Stephanie and I are going to South Carolina in March to help children living with obesity.
April 12th, I take the GRE.
I might take a quick trip to Colorado in May. For a secret purpose that will not be revealed until a later date... Haha.
I turn 21 May 15th.
I'm going to Cabo & Europe.
& my grad school applications are due December 3rd. 3 applications are going out. I hope they all come back with "yes's"! Or maybe I hope that only one comes back with a "yes"? One less decision I have to make.
There are so many other things that will be stuck in here or there. I'm going to run a half marathon. I'm finishing the Bible. (I am SO close to finishing it from start to finish.) I'm writing so much music. Etc. Etc. Etc.
I realize that you may read this and think, "Macy, we don't need an itinerary of what's going on in your life..."
I know, I know. But this is all so real.
I will be moving out in the next year and a half. I am growing up, and I really didn't think that would happen. I've always been kind of dependent. Dependent on my family. Dependent financially. Dependent on the guy I was dating. I've always just been terrified of making decisions for myself because I have been scared of letting down or pushing away the people that I love. If you asked me when I graduated high school where I would be now... I never would have guessed that the independent person that sits here typing would be the answer.
The reason that it's all just fallen into place like it has is because I've moved my dependency from these earthly things to the most wonderful, perfect heavenly thing!! I am completely dependent on my Jesus, and He steers me in the right direction. His direction.
Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I find my joy in Jesus. & everything else is just icing on the cake. Maybe God will send me all over the planet! Maybe I'll get to sing for a living. Maybe Tim Tebow will finally answer me on Twitter & he'll fall in love with me... Or some beautiful musician that I meet in Nashville? My thoughts are getting away from me. The point is. Those things are incredible. These opportunities that He has laid in front of me are truly blessings. & all of the opportunities that have yet to come my way are equally beautiful. But my true joy comes from Jesus. My time with Him. What I learn from Him. That's worth far more than anything I can find here on Earth.
I'm just so grateful. Tonight, while I was praying, the only thing I could think to say was just how incredibly thankful I am.
I always try to tie in some applicable information for people that read my blog in each post. But I feel like this one is more for me. When grad school starts, I am going to be so stressed out. Before I go on the trips that have been planned this year, I am going to be nervous. The tests. The applications. When I finally move out, I am going to have a nervous breakdown, I'm sure. Haha. The dates that I hope to go on this year... Wishful thinking, huh? Those are going to cause some butterflies, I'm sure. (If they occur!) I want to document this feeling. This moment of elation. This moment that is literally keeping me out of bed and pacing around in my room because so many dreams that I've had are becoming real.

When I was 15, Kaci Nalley and I participated in a pageant. Shoot, it was a trip... Anyway, there was this part of it when we had to dress in a suit, and walk across the stage and introduce ourselves and tell the audience what we planned to do with our lives.
I walked across the stage with perfect hair, makeup and an obnoxious red suit, grabbed the microphone and said, "My name is Macy Dennis. I'm from Douglasville, GA and I plan to obtain a doctorate degree in cognitive neuroscience." I know that a lot people thought that was weird. I mean there was one girl that said she wanted to be a teacher/ model/ astronaut or something... It's true. But this is happening!
Don't get me wrong. Something else might happen. God may call me into music before I get my Ph.D. Or something else entirely might happen for me. I am not going to get set in my own way. I'm following God.

I'm just excited. && to be honest, this gives me hope for other areas of my life that aren't exactly "coming together" like I thought they would. God will provide me with the perfect degree, the perfect career, the perfect home, the perfect opportunities to share His love, the perfect man, etc. Well, not "perfect" but perfectly suited for me!
If I could do cartwheels... I would do them right now.

Another Year!

For Christmas, I got one of those daily calendars that gives you a Bible verse or quote every day.
Today's was, "A godly woman faces her challenges with prayer, a sense of adventure and a great pair of boots."
I love this. It's funny because I read it while packing for Orlando; I was putting a pair of beautiful brown boots into my bag. God never fails to take moments like that and turn them into moments that teach me a great deal about my purpose.
Those of you that know me know that I love lists. Shoot, those of you that don't know me probably know that I love lists. It would seem like common knowledge that I would take advantage of the time of year when making a list of goals is commonplace. Thoughts about resolutions are running rampant through millions of minds today. Lists are being made. Promises created. Oaths taken. Diets are being changed. Cigarettes are being thrown away. Relationships are either being strengthened or discarded.
I do have a few resolutions. But nothing like the years before. I want to hit 119. I want to run an organized 5k... Not just one on the treadmill! And there are a few others.
I look forward to checking a few things off of my bucket list this year, and the excitement that gives me is probably a little too much. I am taking so many trips this year. So many new places. So many new people to meet.
I stood in the middle of my basement last night surrounded by the most incredible group of people. We huddled around the television. Dozens of us shouted the countdown and exclaimed, "Happy New Year!" loud enough for the neighbors to hear. I turned to see all of these faces that have been around so many other new year's eve's. We hugged & we kissed & for those moments, I was sort of lost. I looked at my friends with their boyfriends. Ones that have found their lobsters. & I was so excited for them. Excited that one day, I will find mine, too. I sent up some thoughts for mine... Wherever he is. I prayed that God would watch over him, and I thanked God that, one day, he and I will be together on New Year's Eve.
I looked at kids that are no longer kids anymore. They're growing up, and they are going to face their own challenges and triumphs this year. I looked at my family. Both blood and chosen. People that have made me into the person that I am. They are the reason that my life is so beautiful. Year after year.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are always kind of weird, in my humble opinion. The thought of ending a year is somewhat sad, and the thought of starting a new one is somewhat pressuring. In the last moments of 2012 and the first moments of 2013, I only felt blessed.
2012 was something else. I went to places that I never thought I'd go. I got closer to God than I ever imagined. I fell in love harder than I thought possible. I had my heart broken & then put back together. I made goals, and I made plans. I learned a lot & I felt a lot.
&& now I get to do it all over again!!
On the first day of 2013, God laid these words in front of me as soon as I woke up: "A godly woman faces her challenges with prayer, a sense of adventure and a great pair of boots!"
I am so excited. I have no idea where the Lord is going to take me this year!? I don't know where on Earth He will lead me. I don't know what He will teach me. Maybe I will figure out what I am going to do with this degree that I am going to get in 12 MONTHS. Maybe I will meet the man that I am going to spend my life with. Maybe I am going to lead someone where they need to be. Maybe someone will lead me where I need to be?
My resolutions are great, and I think that having goals is so important. But the biggest resolution that I have is just to have faith. Reckless faith. Passionate faith that reaches out and inspires other people to be passionate.
No matter where I go in the next few months, I will remember to bring my prayers, my sense of adventure and some really great boots!