Perks of Being an Insomniac

Someone once told me that all great works of literature either come from very positive experiences or very negative ones.
You rarely hear hit songs about a love life that's just... blah. It's either overwhelmingly incredible or it's over and the worst pain the writer's ever felt. Books are similar. Nobody writes about a topic that just interests them slightly. They're either deeply moved, deeply touched or deeply upset by the topic they approach.
A few weeks ago, I updated this blog with all of this amazing news that I was doing cartwheels over. & I have read over that post many times since. I knew that the pressure would get to me, but I had no idea that it would come so soon.
It's a lot of pressure. Haha. It's a lot of deadlines. Many more than I expected. Speaking of expectations, it's a lot of those, too. Expectations are dangerous. Pressure is dangerous.
I have a lot to get done, and to be honest, I manage, by the grace of God, to find enough hours in the day to get it all completed. But that built up stress and anxiety leads me to not sleep. Sure, I fall asleep for a little while. Sometimes, like tonight, I fall asleep by 8:30. But I always wake up. With a pinch in my chest. This nagging sensation that things are falling apart. There's always more to do. && this is clearly not healthy. Haha.
How is this a perk, you ask?
I am being humbled.
It's always good if someone describes you as "humble." At least in my opinion, I think humility is a great trait. Before I end every conversation with God, I always ask Him to grant me with joy, peace and humility.
But "being humbled"... This is not really all that great. It normally involves being broken down. Yes, I am always working toward being a humble person, but I am always a little apprehensive about how God's going to get me there.
I know that this period of my life is just a stepping stone. It is incredible. There are so many opportunities. So many loose ends to tie up. So much excitement. So much going on... But it is still just a stepping stone. I am learning to be careful about getting wrapped up in the journey to the point of missing completely the destination.
I was talking to a woman that I met between classes at school last week. She was older. She had a wedding ring on, and she spoke of children. She was beautiful and graceful. She told me, "Honey, enjoy these years. Stay out too late, explore beyond the place you feel comfortable and go on as many dates as you can. Don't settle down too early." I know she was mostly kidding. It was clear that she adored her husband and children, but there was still something in her eyes that stuck with me as I drove home. She was a little bit envious.
To be honest, I was a little bit envious of her. I want to know where I end up.
I want to have a ring on my finger. I want to put a ring on some super lucky guy's finger... Haha.
I want to have a stable income and live in my own house.
I want one of the dogs that I look at every week on the internet from the humane society.
I want to stop commuting.
But maybe that's the point. The grass always seems greener on the other side.
We start to let ourselves believe that if we can just get to the other side, everything's going to fall together. It's going to fall into place.

On another note. But still something that January 2013 has taught me. I have a small confession.
If you know anything about me, you know that I am a hopeless romantic. I fight like mad to be independent... or at least to appear that way, but I think about who I am going to end up with probably more than the normal girl. Since I was about 15, I have written letters to my husband. This person that may or may not exist. Haha. So there's the back story.
A couple days ago, I decided that I wanted to part with the dozens of letters. I threw them out. It's not really a sad thing. It's not that I've given up on finding somebody to share life with. I'm just done waiting around for it to happen.
I am over the moon happy for my friends that have found people. Those that are engaged and those that aren't. Either way, I am so happy for them. I will be a bridesmaid. I will plan the showers. I will make toasts. I will support them. I will calm them down when they get angry & I will help them work through issues even when they want to set their partner on fire. I will babysit babies that they have. I will be Aunt Macy. I will do it all. & I will love every second. I am not jealous. I am truly & wholeheartedly happy.
But it's also a lot of pressure. It's kind of stressful. In one of my classes, my professor was telling me about how a woman's physical ability peaks at like 25... First of all, I want to know where she got these statistics... & secondly, I'm like, "Snap. That's kind of unfortunate."
Feelings can be extremely haphazard. They are extremely confusing. They are draining.
So. I'm done imagining some elusive man that probably doesn't exist.
No more letters. Which is probably more sad to me than it should be. Haha. Almost six years of something is gone.
But it's kind of liberating.
Ok, I'm definitely rambling.
I haven't had a full night's sleep in three weeks... Give me a break.
2013 will bring on the biggest decisions that I have ever had to make. It's the most difficult coursework I've ever experienced. The busiest schedule I've ever had. The most...lonely, I guess? That sounds a little more dramatic than I want it to, but words are failing me right now. I can't lie... the grass does seem greener on the other side.
But I'm staying right where I am. I'm going to make this grass, my grass, the greenest it's ever been.