When You're Least Expecting It.

There are no words to describe the past three months of my life.
I have sat in front of this computer for days now trying to string together phrases that can capture the sheer importance of this summer so that I can remember this down the road. I want to remember this summer.
I graduated high school more than 2 years ago. The person I am today is not the person that delivered a speech on graduation night. I am not the same person that moved to Mercer with Stephanie a few months later. I am not the same person that left for camp last May. I am not the same person that entered Georgia State last fall. I am not even the same person that got my heart broken just a few months ago. These past three months have changed me from deep within who I am to even how I dress and how I do my hair.
I have always viewed life as a time that we spend to find ourselves. & when you do, then everything just falls into place & it all makes sense. I thought that one day, I would be able to sit down and pinpoint every decision made, every step taken & find contentment in the fact that it all led to some pinnacle point where I was who I was going to be for the rest of eternity.
But it's not. Which is both incredibly scary and deliciously exciting at the same time. I guess I see that life is not about finding who you are at all, but about creating who you are instead. There is no right answer. You just keep adjusting and adapting. Over and over. It's never ending.
I have done a lot of things this summer. I have driven a lot of miles. I have sung a lot of songs. I have taken so many pictures. I have laughed harder than I have in years. I have found more & more of God's grace in every passing day. I have gotten one too many pedicures. Hahah. I have recreated pieces of myself that I never thought needed changing. I just have that stand-on-your-head-frolic-in-the-meadow kind of happiness that everybody dreams about. & it's not forced. & it's incredibly real.
I am blessed. The plans that God has for me astonish me everyday. He is revealing them to me one piece at a time. Right when you think things can't get any better, something (or maybe someone) else comes along to expand your dreams even more.
If there was a way to bottle up the emotions I feel right now as I type this, I would.
I intended to make this summer, my last real summer, one that would make an impact on who I am.
But I never imagined it would turn out like it has.
In every single area of who I am, God has shaken things up and shown me that His plans are far greater than my own.

Be Scared.

I was talking to an old boyfriend earlier this week, and he said that my actions in the relationship 'scared him away'.
At first, these words hurt my feelings. I can't act like it didn't make me really think... I mean, nobody wants to be 'scary'. Especially in a relationship. Especially only being 20 years old. I am too young to be scary, right?
I wish I could explain why I get so caught up in things. Not just boyfriends but everything. I let things completely entangle me in emotion...
So, anyway, I was sitting here just thinking about how everything turned out. I could feel myself reprimanding my behavior. Thinking that I need to change. Maybe if I didn't care so much about people & things & events then I wouldn't get let down so easily.
But then I thought if I didn't care so much about people & things & events then the amazing things that I have experienced also would not have happened.
The truth is, I want to be scared. I want to be on the edge of my seat. I want to create magic... & magic never happens for the people that sit back and let life happen to them. Magic happens for the people that go out and MAKE life happen.
When I first accepted the Lord, I was scared. When I sang for the first time at Crossroads, I was scared. When I went on first dates. When I leaned in for first kisses. When I stood up in front of producers & auditioned for the biggest thing I've ever done. When I sang in front of 30,000 people in Jacksonville & in New Orleans & in Talladega. When I started leading 15 twelve year old girl on Wednesday. I was scared. And these things are what have fashioned me into what I am today.
Life is scary. It doesn't matter how many people have walked the walk before you. It doesn't matter how many stories you hear. You'll never be prepared for what's coming to you. & that is scary.
I don't know about you, but I want to be scared. Because when you're scared, you learn. When you're scared, sometimes you find incredible reward!
Be scared. But don't let it keep you from living. From loving. From growing & finding who you are in the meantime.

fairy tales

I woke up this morning at 7 AM. My heavens, the only thing I wanted to do on this rainy morning was sleep until noon, but the real world called.
I layed in bed and thought about what I had going on the rest of this week. Work & gym today. Getting up at 6 AM tomorrow to babysit. 7 AM call time on Sunday for church. "Back to the real world," I thought to myself.
But really. I do not live in the real world. My entire life is a fairy tale!
The past 5 days have been a complete whirlwind!
For those of you who do not know, I auditioned for the television show, The Voice this weekend.
I have signed up to audition for many shows just like this one. American Idol, X Factor, America's Got Talent... But I never show up. Most of the time, I don't even tell people! Haha.
I cannot express how glad I am to have gone to the open call on Saturday. I met so many wonderful people, had so much fun with my family & friends, and I really proved to myself that this road is something I could really do! I could actually do this!
My fairy tale doesn't end with singing. I'm just blessed.
Blessed to be surrounded by the people that I am surrounded by. Blessed to have a family that loves me and that just rolls with the punches. Blessed to have such amazing friends that could honestly care less if I ever hit it big or not. Blessed to have a beautiful car that runs like a million bucks! Blessed to have a job that still allows me to go and do. Blessed to be able to take it easy this semester & focus on just being 20!
I am just so humbled.
I am the luckiest girl in the whole world.

When the World Kicks You. In the Face.

Sometimes life is going to kick you in the face.
I mean. Like literally scissor kick you right in the face.
You will just be walking along thinking all is well. It will be a sunny, beautiful day in which you think you've got it all together... Then bam. A size 17 Nike sneaker to the face. (Because I like to think the world wears Nike's)

When this happens, we have a few choices.
1. Lay there on the ground wallowing in our own self pity.
2. Create a strategic plan in which we get even with the world.
3. Overevaluate why we were kicked in the first place.
4. Become scared & withdrawn to protect ourselves from being kicked again.
5. Pull ourselves together, dust ourselves off & keep on moving.

I know that I wish that I could say that I always pick option #5. It's the most rational and probably the most healthy. But I know that I cannot say (with a clear conscience) that #5 is the one I regularly choose.

I know everyone has their own ways to cope with the world's kicks. Me. I try to run from them. I avoid the problem until it's so big I physically can't handle it. Is this healthy? Of course not! But I do it. Do you ever notice how the world likes to kick you when you're down? Like when you're already incredibly stressed out and worried and nothing seems to be going your way some day... THAT'S when you find out that your ex is seeing somebody new?
Or when you've already failed a final, lost your wallet & fell down the stairs at school... THAT'S when your car won't seem to crank.
I mean, right now, I am sure you've got your own series of problems that are running through your mind.
Because problems always seem to come in a series. The world kicks you... You try to block the blows... But eventually you just surrender to the punches. I mean, what else could it do, right?

Robert Louis Stevenson said this:
"Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits."

Really think about this. If you succeeded in everything you did, where would you go from there? Have you ever met a person that succeeded in everything they did? I didn't think so. I haven't either.
We're all on the same playing field. We're all failing. Over and over again. I know the world is kicking me in the teeth... But it also kicks Donald Trump in the teeth. & Bill Gates & Natalie Grant & Halle Berry & Katy Perry & my pastor & my best friend & my ex boyfriend. I can look at everyone else's life... and no matter how it may look from the outside... I know that they are failing just like me.

There's peace in that. Life is not about what happens to us. It's about how we react to what's happened to us. I want to choose postivity. I want to choose happiness. I want to choose joy. I want to choose prayer. Oh my, this is not always simple. But it's beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful that someone that chooses to rise from the ashes & make something new and powerful from what was broken.

My very favorite quote is by Robert Frost.
"In three words, I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on."
I hope you know that. I hope I can learn that.
The world is going to kick you. Life is going to hurt. But it always goes on.

Anyway.

Yesterday, I was meeting with a beautiful mentor & friend, and we were talking about some upcoming singing opportunities that I had. She mentioned that before performing, it's important to get the backstory, inspiration and true meaning of a song you are going to perform.
On Sunday, I am singing The National Anthem at her church, and after reading the history of the song myself, it does mean more to me. It's fascinating, and if you don't know the history, you should definitely read about it or watch the short documentary on YouTube.
Secondly, I will be singing "Anyway" by Martina McBride at Douglasville Idol on July 4th. I have performed this song so many times, it's ridiculous. I could sing the lyrics in my sleep. I still wanted to get more information on it & uncover deeper meanings. After watching the music video & reading a few articles about Martina's own feelings, I read Mother Teresa's poem that inspired it. I've read it before, but this morning, it hit me so hard. I want to share it with you.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

I mean, wow. "It was never between you and them anyway." Isn't it so hard to really see that? Truly understand it. It's one thing to read the words and think it's a cool concept. It's quite another to really internalize what's being said here.
Forgiveness. Kindness. Success. Honesty. Frankness. Production. Happiness. Goodness.
Those are pillars that everyone wants their life to be built on, though sometimes we get confused about why they are so important.
It was never about you and the person that you needed to forgive. It was never about you and the people you shared kindness with. It was never about those that uplifted you or tore you down when you succeeded. The things that fell apart that you spent so much time creating. The people that were jealous of what you had or didn't have. It was never about them. It was never about it. It's not about saving face. Being accepted. Being rejected. Being popular. Not being popular. Fitting into a social norm or a societal norm. It was never about that.
I think a lot of people hold back from their full potential because they are afraid of what others may believe about them. We start dating, and we get our hearts broken. Or we watch the relatioships around us in our families and friends crumble. We make up our minds that the opposite sex is just crazy... We are so afraid of being broken that we never let our guards down. Yes, more times than not, when you put your heart on the line, it's going to get hurt. Do it anyway.
Some people don't deserve our forgiveness. But it's not about what they deserve. What happened between the two of you may be irreconcilable... You don't want to forgive. Do it anyway.
Yes, the people asking for money on the side of the street may have a house with three bedrooms. The burnout in your political science class may lose the notes that he asked to borrow. The money you donate to a 'good' cause may go to funding a large corporation that doesn't benefit the cause at all. Do it anyway.
You may not be considered 'street smart'. You may get broken. Taken advantage of. You may get to a point where you feel that all of your efforts have gone unnoticed. The person you fell so deeply in love with may never return your sentiments. Those you helped may never thank you. Your idols and those you admire may never pat you on the back and tell you they are proud of you. You may lose friends. You may make enemies. You may never get awarded or congratulated by the people of this world. Do it anyway.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Loves of My Life.

As you probably know, I volunteer at my church with the middle school ministry on Wednesdays, I have a 13 year old sister, and I often kidsit my two younger cousins that are 8 & 10 as well as their cousins that are 12 & 7.
I never "disliked" children, but I lived with constant fear that the "mothering instinct" that women are said to have was not inside of me. That is until I worked Winshape Camp last summer. I fell madly in love with kids. The way their minds work completely enchants me and inspires me to be a better instructor, leader, sister, cousin, friend, etc.
Being a psychology major, I am absolutely enthralled by the adolescent brain. Sure, we look at our middle schoolers and think that the things they say, do, wear, create are so off the wall. So aggravating. So confusing. But all of these things truly stem from the chemicals in their brain. I hear my sister talking to her friends. My girls at church tell me stories. I want to hold their faces in my hands and look into their eyes and tell them the outcome of their stresses because I have been there. Not too long ago either. But that's the magic of adolescence. Each generation does the same things as the generation before, but they have to go through the motions and learn for themselves. It's monotonous, and it seems so crazy. But I also think it's magical. In a totally twisted way.
I love my sister more than anything in the world. As she grows up, I see that she is turning out just like me. Don't get me wrong, we have differences, but relationally, we are the same. She shares my stubbornness. My inability to leave things be. My excitement for love itself. My love of friends. My loyalty. My heart. I see the good things of myself in her, but I am starting to see the mistakes I made repeat themselves in her as well.
I can't make her understand that I actually do know where she's headed, what she's thinking, and how things will probably work out. Same with Addy. Same with Grayson. Same with Landry & Maclaine & my babies at church.
I don't have kids, but how much I selflessly, incredibly and overwhelmingly love my sister and my cousins scares me a little but it's also encouraging. The 'mother' instinct is present in me, and the fierceness of which I know I will love my hypothetical children is not questionable.

Everyone hopes for the 'love of their life'. I always thought that 'the love of my life' was going to be a man. & maybe one of the loves of my life will be sometime in the future. But this summer, watching my sister getting involved at Crossroads, Grayson playing baseball, Addy tumbling and text messaging... These are the loves of my life. It's the kind of love that won't end. It's no secret I love hard, but I would genuinely lay down my life for any of these kids. I would do anything to make them happy. I believe in them. I am in awe of the people they are becoming.
I'm not missing out. I have abundant love. I have the love of my life. Well, loves.

Captivating

I am reading a book called, "Captivating," by John & Stasi Eldredge. The front cover of it says, "Unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul." So, of course, this enticed me, and I began to unfold the information.

Today while I was reading it, I came across a passage that made me stop what I was doing and pray. Right then and there because questions that I felt like I've had for my whole life were answered. Maybe not answered but definitely addressed.

John had written this passage, and I think that made it even more interesting. I don't claim to know the inner workings of the male mind, and the things that John said could be completely off base, but it struck a chord with me.

"What is this thing in me- and in most men- that just doesn't want to go deep into a woman's world? 'You are too much. Too hard. It's too much work. Men are simpler. Easier.' And isn't that just the message you've lived with all of your life as a woman? 'You're too much, and not enough. You're just not worth the effort.' ('And why is it such an effort? There must be something wrong with you.'
Now, part of a man's fundamental reluctance to truly dive into the world of a woman comes from a man's deepest fear, failure. Oh, he may joke about "the difference of men and women," Mars and Venus and all that. But the truth is, he is afraid. He fears that having delved into his woman's world, he won't have what it takes to help her there. That is his sin. That is his cowardice. And because of her shame, most of the time a man gets away with it. Most marriages (and long term dating relationships) reach this sort of unspoken settlement. 'I'm not coming any closer. This is as far as I'm willing to go. But I won't leave, and that ought to make you happy." And so there is this sort of detente, a cordial agreement to live only so close"

Wow, right?! Ok. Of course being the kind of woman that my person needs is important to me. But this little piece of the book can be applied broadly. Being a woman is such a blessing. We are beautiful. And nurturing and lovely. We are enticing. We are the incarnate of God's own glory and beauty and majesty. We cannot settle. God did not intend for us to settle. In any area of our lives.

I know that I am not the only woman that struggles with feeling like too much and not enough all at the same time. We sometimes feel ashamed of our emotions... trying to hide the tears while we watch that Publix commercial. We 'tone ourselves down' when interviewing for a job or talking with people we don't know in line at the store or going on a first date. It's an interesting paradox. Being too much but not enough. We were too much for him to handle but not enough for him to stay...

Let me tell you something, girl. You are too much. But I refuse to believe that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. & you are more than enough. You will never be insufficient. Yes, we will make mistakes. We will fall down. I mean, like REALLY fall. We will hit rock bottom. Get slung through the mud... In & out of the ringer. But we will NEVER be less than enough. Take pride in being too much. I promise men think that the world would be better if everyone was like them... They are entirely incorrect. They simply don't know what they would do with themselves if we didn't have big, fat, huge, obnoxious emotions. If we didn't cry at the drop of a hat. If you didn't get your feelings hurt when he hangs up before saying he loves you. If we didn't call him 8172948674 times just to say hey.

I have struggled with this. I believe that all of us have at some time or another. I don't know what your circumstances are. And I know that many of your circumstances run circles around mine.
Please read this. And let it sink into your heart.

"Every woman was once a little girl. And every little girl holds in her heart her most precious dreams. She longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be beauty of the story. Those desires are far more than child's play. They are the secret to the feminine heart.
And yet-how many women do you know who ever find that life? As the years pass by, the heart of a woman gets pushed aside, wounded, buried. She finds no romance except in novels, no adventure except on television, and she doubts very much that she will ever be the beauty in any tale...
Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation. The desires you had as a little girl and the longings you still feel as a woman are telling you of the life God created you to live. He offers to come now as the Hero of your story, to rescue your heart and release you to live as a fully alive and feminine woman. A woman who is truly captivating."