Fasting Fail. What Now?

Before I begin, I just want you guys to know that this blog has had more than 4,000 hits... It's so incredible!
I love you so much, and thank you for reading my heart.

I've been contemplating. As most of you know, about 7 months ago, I started a thing called "The Boyfriend Fast." I had heard about it and read about it, and I thought that it would be good for me to try it. Stop relying on the male species to make me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. Blah. Blah. Blah. Anyway, so I failed. About a month and a half flew by and I found myself falling madly for a boy. I surrendered. Threw in the towel. Etc. Whatever you wanna call it. Long story short, here I am 5 months later-once again- "single."

You may call this a failure... I do not. I started the fast because I felt like I had hit a dead end. I was scared and confused and I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried to cut myself off from the dating world entirely. That's hilarious. & not just because it's me. I love relationships. (This is no secret) But staying in some bitter cocoon was a terrible idea. I wasn't trying the fast with an open and excited heart. I was trying to escape.

From the beginning, women were created FOR relational purpose. God created men and decided that the world needed something else, too. Man needed something else. Man needed a companion. Someone to walk the walk with! So no, I don't want to do it alone. I don't think God meant for me to. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I have totally avoided the chance to love big & love hard.

How I feel right now goes so far beyond desiring a dating relationship. I am absolutely, positively ENTHUSED about just picking up and moving on and doing things with the time I have right now. I love my bucket list. I love my summer list. Folks think they're corny or a waste of time... Who cares?! I learn so much with every item crossed off. I FEEL so much with every item crossed off.

Today, I read a blog post by a girl named Marina Keegan, I think? She graduated from Yale University and tragically died a few days after her graduation. The title was "The Opposite of Lonely," and I got something really big out of it. She was describing Yale as a place in which she felt the "opposite of lonely" but I can apply that to my current events. I really hate the word "single." Like ONE person. ALONE. No one else. Just me.. Yea, right. I am anything but "single". I've got the whole world! I live in a house always filled with people. I have wonderful friends. Nothing I do is really alone. Even when I don't have people physically around me, I've always got the Lord. & I think that's the concept that I have been missing.

I'm never going to stop believing that my person is out there. I don't care how many heartbreaks I experience or what I see in the relationships around me. But in the mean time, I am so not alone. Just like I talked about in a previous post... I thought it was the end of the world. We all do. We fall in love, and then breakup & it's the end of the world. But then we see that it's not! I now understand that it's not. It wasn't before. It's not now. And next time, it's not going to be either.

I am so thankful. Thankful to learn new things. Thankful to see new things. And I guess I'm even thankful to be 'single' again. I believe that God has a plan for everything. He wants me to grow, and I trust that He knows what I need to experience to be the woman that He wants me to be tomorrow. & I think I am growing. I never really felt ok about being a "just Macy." I wanted to be ok with it. I really did. But I never was. After all this, I'm ok. I believe in the future. But more than that, I believe that right now, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be!

So how is this not a failure? I made a promise that I was going to stay without a boyfriend for a year. I didn't. And now I both ruined the fast and didn't get the guy either. It's not a failure because where I am right now is entirely different than where I was in November. I'm not scared. I feel more whole. This relationship taught me a lot about who I am and what I want. I gained back so much confidence. So much excitement & just renewed my overall outlook on things.

I've been through 2 breakups. 2 lay-in-your-bed-crying-with-ice-cream-and-oreos sessions. 2 cry-so-hard-your-eyes-hurt nights. Twice I felt like it was the end of the world. And twice it wasn't.

What now? Anything.

Huh?

We live in a world dominated by media. All sorts of media. Music. Movies. Television. Inspirational Speakers. Politics. You name it, we've got it. At the same time, we also live in a world filled with devastatingly different people. These people create media, so our media is conflicting.
This is no secret to us.. but still we somehow get so caught up. And we are utterly confused. We are confused about how to feel and how to act.
Some of us love television shows whether that be a daily news show, a late night drama or a talk show. Others of us love movies. Others search for meaning through inspirational gurus. Some like to live their lives as if it were a music video. The bottom line is no two people are alike. And no two forms of media are alike.
We like to think that the use of media in our society doesn't touch us. "I live my own life. Nobody in a TV screen or on the radio is going to run my thoughts..." You've heard this before. Maybe you've said this before? We don't mean for it to, but it just happens.
I am not ashamed to say that I am one of those that lives my life as if it's a music video. A deep, country love ballad if you will. If you haven't noticed, life's just not like that. Which is sad, right? Anyway. Country songs fill us with conflicting expectations. We hear slow songs about finding love and being so deep that you can't see a foot in front of you. We also hear songs about crazy ex's and sad goodbyes. We hear songs about partying and acting a fool, but there's also songs about getting our act together and settling down.
Don't give up, right? But don't take anybody's crap. You deserve more. But don't be too full of yourself. You're young; have fun and throw caution to the wind. But don't do anything you might regret. Find the man of your dreams. But don't tie yourself down before scoping out your options.
I mean, this is insanity! We hear, "Follow your heart and do what makes you happy." But we have all been in a place or with a person that makes us so incredibly-dance-on-the-table happy, but soon... that fades. That same thing that once made us so happy is making us curl up in a ball in our bed with Ben & Jerry close by. How does that make sense?
Just like all of you, I have had times that I truly thought I had it figured out. Oh my heavens, I have really thought that I knew where life was taking me. But that's the only thing we have to count on in life: the fact that we really have no idea what to count on!
I went to a concert this weekend. And I noticed something. At Lakewood, the whole lawn is a lot like a big, fat sing-a-long. We were at the Luke Bryan/ Jason Aldean concert, so of course, you had a bunch of drunk hillbillies reciting the words the best they knew how! Everybody loves the upbeat songs about drinking and being with your friends and being from the South. The songs that hit the radio in early summer and make you just smile from ear to ear. But when the songs about heartbreak and unrequited love come over the speakers, the voices don't die down. Just because something doesn't work out with a happy ending doesn't mean that the feeling should be avoided completely. It should be FELT!
I know that more people than just me were thinking of a certain relationship or a certain person when Jason Aldean belted out "The Truth" or when Luke Bryan sang "Someone Else Calling You Baby." The conflicting emotions are important. We have to get through the bad and the broken to get to the exciting and the joyful.
People support us by telling us that it's "not the end of the world" when something happens in our life that we don't like or that we weren't expecting. A breakup. Loss of a job. Fight with a family member. Death. Sickness. Affairs... etc. So WHAT if you act like it's the end of the world?? You know just as well as I do that it won't be long before things turn around and make you feel like you're on TOP of the world!
FEEL things. Feel the bad times just as much as the good times. You'll appreciate the good so much more! And you'll really learn from the bad.
Dance to the summer song.
But also...
Sing the ballad.

20.

Today, I turn 20. 20 years old!
I am one of those that completely adores my birthday!
Everybody tells you how great you are, and you get gifts and people buy lunch for you and stuff. It's incredible, right?!
To me, a birthday is a lot like New Years Day. Remembering the old year and embracing the new.
This year is a little different. I am embracing a new DECADE in my life. The 20's. In your twenties, you're supposed to graduate and get married and have babies. Now, I'm not sure if those things are going to happen to me, I am just expressing the hugeness that COULD come with my 20's.
I took some time and read through some old blogs. It's incredible. Two years ago, I was committed to Mercer, pharmacy, Jamie Scogin, Justice and so many other things that seem like lightyears away. I was so passionate about each of those things, and everything is different now. I left Mercer behind, and I love Georgia State. Pharmacy both scared and bored me. I have already started and ended a whole other relationship. And I've had 3 jobs since Justice. The only thing we can depend on in this life is the fact that things will change, I suppose?
I'm not the same person I was when I graduated from high school, and in 2 more years, I will not neither be that person nor the person I am right now writing this blog. It's a little bit overwhelming. But it is also very exciting.
So here I come, 20's.

This I Believe

At Mercer, I read a book called This I Believe for my "freshman experience" class. It touched me so deeply, and I'm pretty sure that I blogged about it when was reading it back then.
Recently, I suggested to Ryan that he should read it. He loves books and deep, meaningful philosophies, so I knew it would be perfect for him. It reminded me how much I loved the short stories, so I checked on Amazon for anything that might be similar, and I found This I Believe II. I ordered it, and I have fallen in love once again.
I asked Ryan what it was that he believed. Like if he had to write 500 words on what it was that he believed, what would it be? He didn't answer me, but after the past 2 1/2 weeks, I found a new belief. So in 500 words, I will try to explain myself...

I believe in the power of trying. Trying doesn’t necessarily mean success or failure, and that is what makes it so powerful.

I have had a lot of success in my life. I have had so many wonderful moments that I know are miracles and blessings. But those moments are not always the ones that I thank my Lord for before I close my eyes at night. I thank the Lord for the opportunities that didn’t work out. The things that I tried to do, but I fell short. Because those are the moments in which I had to reevaluate. Reinvent. Grow as a person and become more.

I love people. Maybe that’s why I have such a strong desire for a romantic relationship. I’ve always deemed it a flaw. Something that I needed to beat down and suppress. My small catalogue of suitors speaks for itself. I’m a try-er. I have a hard time giving up especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

So how do these two things come together? Trying is not trying if you just go halfway. If you don’t put yourself on the line, then you’re not trying at all. You’re faking. You’re denying yourself the chance of success in anything that you do. Trying relationally means laying it all there. Big risk means big reward. Trying does not guarantee success, and, more often than not, you’ll probably fail. But it’s a win-win. If you succeed, you find happiness. If you fail, you learn, and then you find happiness.

I believe in trying because I believe in hope. Hopefulness. I read somewhere that the average person dates between 7 to 10 people before finding “the one.” That’s a lot of failure. That’s a lot of meeting the parents and learning favorite colors and broken hearts. But it’s also a lot of first kisses. Sunsets. Late night talks. Dates. And then after it’s all said and done, you might find your person. And even then… it’s just “might.”

What is the alternative? Other than live with hope?

So I choose to try. To keep putting myself out there over and over until it all clicks for me. I choose hope. I choose to believe in fairy tales and to keep my head up. Even if one day, I find myself alone, at least I know I tried. 

Finding Bliss

I am going to throw some VERY overused and cliche quotes at you.
"“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
― Albert Einstein

I lead a small group at church of about 10 or 15 sixth grade girls on Wednesday nights. They are absolutely fascinating and beautiful and wonderful in every single way! Every week, we end up talking about things that are on their hearts. Every so often, a girl is dealing with a divorce of her parents or other family members. Or a family member or friend is sick or hurting, and they are always very quick to express their concerns for that. But EVERY week, we talk a great deal about being bullied. Or maybe a boy that they like is being silly. Or they are in an argument with their friends. Just little things that I remember going through in middle school, and when I look back, I wish I would have just took a breath and let it go.
It's funny, when we're younger, we always kind of want to be able to say, "I've been there. I know what you're going through. And I promise that it is not anything to worry about," to someone else. I remember being in these huge fights with my friends about not being invited to a birthday party or not being the friend that was invited over to spend the night one weekend. My mom and dad would say things like, "Macy, when you're older, this will not matter one bit" or "You're real friends will always be there for you. In a few years, you'll know WHO you really need in your life and WHAT you really need in your life." I would just shrug them off and think they were absolutely insane because my whole world was falling apart because I would not be falling asleep on Friday night at "Susie Q's" house.
It's so weird being at a place in my life where I look at these girls and know exactly what they're going through. I wish so much that they understood that one day, all these things will just vaporize. They will forget the tears. They will forget how upset they were. None of that will matter. The stress won't matter. One day, it will click for them. That life is just too short. We are here for a blink. A breath. Every single moment spent worrying or stressed out is a moment that we'll never get back.
The saddest thing to me is that there are adult people even friends and family of my own that are still waiting for the click. We hold grudges. We let tasks keep us from people. We let stress overtake us, and we lose ourselves completely. The differences between then and now is that we have school and jobs to throw ourselves into, and, furthermore, we have life experience. We've been hurt before, and we do not want it to happen again.
Those quotes that I attached at the top are three of my favorite quotes of all time. The last one always really strikes a chord with me. We can live as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is. Is it really that simple? When things happen to you. When people hurt you. When everything inside of you hits rock bottom, and you're not sure it'll ever turn up again... Why in the world would you want to try to convince yourself that your life is a miracle? Why not? I mean, really. How is it going to help you if you choose to keep your guard up? It won't.
I live in my own little world. My own bubble, if you please. I am overly optimistic and anything but realistic. I believe in people. I love people. That's not because bad things have never happened to me. It's certainly not because I've never been betrayed or hurt by people. I have been. I just wake up EVERY morning and choose to treat my life like a miracle.
In that, I find bliss.