Over the past few months, I have used this blog to detail what's going on in my head. It is less for my family to read and more for me to read. After looking back, I see that I have changed. I haven't decided if that's a good or a bad thing yet...? I am just evolving. My scope of life is getting larger. I am feeling more things and doing more things. I have started to really grow up. I guess college is when you're supposed to do that?
I have spent my whole life knowing exactly what I wanted to do, and working my butt off to make sure those things fall into place. I entered college hoping to graduate 7 years later with a Pharm D degree, a husband, a brand new life and all that comes with it. Well, folks, that's not going to happen! Pharmacy could not be less right for me. I will probably have no other opportunity to attain a PH.D. in 7 years in any other program, and a husband is nowhere in sight. I do not want to continue my academic career at Mercer, but I am not "accepted" into any other college at the moment. When I return home, I will have to start over with the job search after quitting two really great jobs in the past two years. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to major in, and I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do with my life. But you know what? I absolutely do not care.
I am a motivated and determined individual. This time that I have right now... this limbo. I am in between projects. In between thoughts. In between passions. This time is so refreshing. I am able to take responsibility for any action I take, but these moments of no certain action feel so amazing. Everything does not have to be so serious. I can take any kind of class that I want... If I do not like it, I will just mark it off the very long list of possible career choices and move on. I can make friends with people that may not necessarily be like me. I can date people that I might not necessarily fully understand. People that fill up my mind but do not expect anything out of me. People that I can just be with. People that don't question me or hurt me. I can go out and experience things. Small things. Big things. It doesn't matter.
My head could not be more messed up. Some days, I wake up and I am so filled with overwhelming joy and passion. I want to run and sing and take in the world with one breath. Other days, I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel like I am falling behind my classmates and friends. But the truth is. There is no such thing as falling behind as long as you're happy. We are not put on Earth to keep up with the Joneses. We are put here to get right with God and get right with ourselves.
I have learned to stop thinking about love and just do it. There is too. much. pressure. put on who we date, how long we date them, if they're marriage material. Blah. Blah. Blah. If there is an inkling of a feeling there, we have to act on it. Those small experiences are worth it. They're worth every second. There is too much analyzing involved in dating. Just do it. Have fun and, for God's sake, stop the stupid games.
I have learned to stop thinking about where I wanna be in 5 years and actually live the five years. What good will knowing what I want to do in 5 years do me NOW? None. Being on track doesn't mean planning everything out to the second. It just means being proactive and heading in a direction. Making decisions as they come.
I have learned to stop making plans. Those that love me know that I am no good with plans. It's probably a pet peeve of a lot of folks actually. Well, I think there's a reason. I'm just not supposed to be. I want to start taking time to let the plans make themselves.
No comments:
Post a Comment