Over the past few months, I have used this blog to detail what's going on in my head. It is less for my family to read and more for me to read. After looking back, I see that I have changed. I haven't decided if that's a good or a bad thing yet...? I am just evolving. My scope of life is getting larger. I am feeling more things and doing more things. I have started to really grow up. I guess college is when you're supposed to do that?
I have spent my whole life knowing exactly what I wanted to do, and working my butt off to make sure those things fall into place. I entered college hoping to graduate 7 years later with a Pharm D degree, a husband, a brand new life and all that comes with it. Well, folks, that's not going to happen! Pharmacy could not be less right for me. I will probably have no other opportunity to attain a PH.D. in 7 years in any other program, and a husband is nowhere in sight. I do not want to continue my academic career at Mercer, but I am not "accepted" into any other college at the moment. When I return home, I will have to start over with the job search after quitting two really great jobs in the past two years. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to major in, and I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do with my life. But you know what? I absolutely do not care.
I am a motivated and determined individual. This time that I have right now... this limbo. I am in between projects. In between thoughts. In between passions. This time is so refreshing. I am able to take responsibility for any action I take, but these moments of no certain action feel so amazing. Everything does not have to be so serious. I can take any kind of class that I want... If I do not like it, I will just mark it off the very long list of possible career choices and move on. I can make friends with people that may not necessarily be like me. I can date people that I might not necessarily fully understand. People that fill up my mind but do not expect anything out of me. People that I can just be with. People that don't question me or hurt me. I can go out and experience things. Small things. Big things. It doesn't matter.
My head could not be more messed up. Some days, I wake up and I am so filled with overwhelming joy and passion. I want to run and sing and take in the world with one breath. Other days, I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel like I am falling behind my classmates and friends. But the truth is. There is no such thing as falling behind as long as you're happy. We are not put on Earth to keep up with the Joneses. We are put here to get right with God and get right with ourselves.
I have learned to stop thinking about love and just do it. There is too. much. pressure. put on who we date, how long we date them, if they're marriage material. Blah. Blah. Blah. If there is an inkling of a feeling there, we have to act on it. Those small experiences are worth it. They're worth every second. There is too much analyzing involved in dating. Just do it. Have fun and, for God's sake, stop the stupid games.
I have learned to stop thinking about where I wanna be in 5 years and actually live the five years. What good will knowing what I want to do in 5 years do me NOW? None. Being on track doesn't mean planning everything out to the second. It just means being proactive and heading in a direction. Making decisions as they come.
I have learned to stop making plans. Those that love me know that I am no good with plans. It's probably a pet peeve of a lot of folks actually. Well, I think there's a reason. I'm just not supposed to be. I want to start taking time to let the plans make themselves.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Some Day... :)
I am indecisive.
I am quick to jump to conclusions.
I am terrible with making plans, and if plans are made too far in advance, odds are, I will forget about them.
I am a little bit too emotional, and I get my feelings hurt easily.
I think too hard about things, and I overanalyze.
It's hard for me to say no, so I end up too busy, too tired and irritated.
I am not one to start up a conversation, and, oftentimes, this trait comes off as rude or snobby.
I am lame. A nerd, you could say. I enjoy reading the classics and health journals on a daily basis. I love to lay on the couch and watch movies.
I am stubborn.
I am not an easy person to date.
I am also passionate.
I am generous with time and resources. Money is no object when it comes to those that I love.
I love the Lord. He is my shepherd, and He will be my VERY first priority for as long as I have breath.
I am dedicated. To my family. To my friends. To my school. To my work. I am going places. I'm not really sure where exactly, but I am headed somewhere.
I am cheerful, and I always make an attempt to alleviate awkward situations.
I love too fast, but I do love hard. I trust too fast, but I am dependable as well.
I'm a hopeless romantic and a hopeless optimist.
I don't mind making a fool of myself, and I do it often.
I can laugh at myself, and I can accept my mistakes.
I live every day with a purpose.
Some day, it's going to work out. Everybody has someone that they fit with. Someone that complements them perfectly, and someone that loves all the flaws and the shortcomings simply because they love the person that has them. Love doesn't make people change. That's not fair. We can't change who we are, and we can't fix all the problems that we have. The goal is to find someone that loves us despite all that. Someone who's presence in our lives makes us better people. Not different people.
I am quick to jump to conclusions.
I am terrible with making plans, and if plans are made too far in advance, odds are, I will forget about them.
I am a little bit too emotional, and I get my feelings hurt easily.
I think too hard about things, and I overanalyze.
It's hard for me to say no, so I end up too busy, too tired and irritated.
I am not one to start up a conversation, and, oftentimes, this trait comes off as rude or snobby.
I am lame. A nerd, you could say. I enjoy reading the classics and health journals on a daily basis. I love to lay on the couch and watch movies.
I am stubborn.
I am not an easy person to date.
I am also passionate.
I am generous with time and resources. Money is no object when it comes to those that I love.
I love the Lord. He is my shepherd, and He will be my VERY first priority for as long as I have breath.
I am dedicated. To my family. To my friends. To my school. To my work. I am going places. I'm not really sure where exactly, but I am headed somewhere.
I am cheerful, and I always make an attempt to alleviate awkward situations.
I love too fast, but I do love hard. I trust too fast, but I am dependable as well.
I'm a hopeless romantic and a hopeless optimist.
I don't mind making a fool of myself, and I do it often.
I can laugh at myself, and I can accept my mistakes.
I live every day with a purpose.
Some day, it's going to work out. Everybody has someone that they fit with. Someone that complements them perfectly, and someone that loves all the flaws and the shortcomings simply because they love the person that has them. Love doesn't make people change. That's not fair. We can't change who we are, and we can't fix all the problems that we have. The goal is to find someone that loves us despite all that. Someone who's presence in our lives makes us better people. Not different people.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I Follow Jesus. Bottom Line.
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A friend sent me this video, and it struck a chord with me like no other. I have a class in which we all sit around and talk about what we believe, basically. We have talked about Good and Bad. To Forgive or Not to Forgive. Where we're from. Who we are and how that affects who we become. The second semester is more geared towards how we feel about global, national and state problems. How do we view the world around us.
I have questioned my beliefs more than ever this school year. Although it may sound like a bad thing, it has been such a blessing! All of these questions have strengthened what I've always believed. I know more now about the Bible, and I feel His presence within me now more than ever!
Being a college student, I feel like we are exposed to so much more than we ever dreamed beforehand. This is true for me atleast. At home, I am surrounded by people that think like I do. My friends and I have gone to church together and talked about everything under the sun. We agree on important issues as well as unimportant issues. When you go to college, not everyone is like you. Actually, most people are NOT like you. Everyone is from a different walk. Everyone is at a different stage in their faith. Some have no faith at all. Some have never heard of Jesus, or they allow the freedom away from home to toy with their faith and unstabilize it.
It scares me to think that instead of acknowledging and embracing our differences of opinion, we blend. Respecting someone's opinion is completely different than just adapting it for ourselves and sweeping it under the rug as "understanding". We know what's right, and we know what's wrong. We can't stand by and allow others to do wrong just so we don't appear politically incorrect... We have to stand up. To be strong for God. To respect others but to not allow those others to influence the things that we have come to believe.
A friend sent me this video, and it struck a chord with me like no other. I have a class in which we all sit around and talk about what we believe, basically. We have talked about Good and Bad. To Forgive or Not to Forgive. Where we're from. Who we are and how that affects who we become. The second semester is more geared towards how we feel about global, national and state problems. How do we view the world around us.
I have questioned my beliefs more than ever this school year. Although it may sound like a bad thing, it has been such a blessing! All of these questions have strengthened what I've always believed. I know more now about the Bible, and I feel His presence within me now more than ever!
Being a college student, I feel like we are exposed to so much more than we ever dreamed beforehand. This is true for me atleast. At home, I am surrounded by people that think like I do. My friends and I have gone to church together and talked about everything under the sun. We agree on important issues as well as unimportant issues. When you go to college, not everyone is like you. Actually, most people are NOT like you. Everyone is from a different walk. Everyone is at a different stage in their faith. Some have no faith at all. Some have never heard of Jesus, or they allow the freedom away from home to toy with their faith and unstabilize it.
It scares me to think that instead of acknowledging and embracing our differences of opinion, we blend. Respecting someone's opinion is completely different than just adapting it for ourselves and sweeping it under the rug as "understanding". We know what's right, and we know what's wrong. We can't stand by and allow others to do wrong just so we don't appear politically incorrect... We have to stand up. To be strong for God. To respect others but to not allow those others to influence the things that we have come to believe.
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