Goodbye 2010!

I just finished baking cupcakes! Yes, for me, this is quite an accomplishment! I do not cook or bake ever! Tonight, we will ring in the New Year at Moni's house with our family and friends! I must say, this break has been something else. I have loved spending so much time with my parents, sister, aunt and uncle and cousins, but I have been sick all the while! No fun! :( First is was a stomach bug, and now I am on round the clock sinus medicine trying to fight some sort of cold. The next ten days are going to be ridiculously fun. I will make sure that they are.

In all my spare time, I've been reading. I love to read, so I've read hundreds of books in my life, but these last three books have had very similar themes. First, I read Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen. Then, I read Sun-Kissed Christmas by Katherine Applegate. Right now, I am in the middle of The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. They are all about some girl that thinks that they or someone else can't change. You may have read or heard or even believe the same thing. That the way that someone is in the present correlates exactly with how they were in the past as well as who they will be in the future. Me, being the optimist that I am, I have always believed that people do change. I have always stood by the fact that if something drastic happens or something occurs that means enough to someone, they will change. They will and can change for the better or the worse... I think that I stand corrected. Not simply because I read a few books will fictional characters that employ this theme, but because I haven't wanted to face the fact that it's true.

In The Last Song, Ronnie covers up the fact that she loves the world around her including her father, brother, mother and even Will, the lovely, muscular boy that steals her heart when he knocks her soda on her with rebelliousness and a sharp tongue. In Sun Kissed Christmas, Summer hides how much she loves Austin by throwing herself into school and overdramatizing every single thing that happens. In Along for the Ride, Auden won't allow herself to feel or make any memories or friends because of her upbringing. She was always treated like an adult, and she doesn't know how to enjoy spending time with giggly girls and skater boys like the rest of the people her age. The authors may be trying to make the reader think that these characters have changed throughout the story, but they all had the ability and characteristics to do these things. They had adapted their lives to circumstances, and when the climax of the story finds itself on paper, they are just acting on impulse... who they really are. They aren't hiding anymore; they haven't changed. They are just being who they were destined to be in the first place.

Some grandparents leave and never come back because they don't have a reason to stay... Not because something terrible happened and they don't know how to cope anymore. They never knew how to cope. Some guys do things that I'll never understand, and they say things that make no sense. They have habits that they try to defend, but they won't ever change. They may grow up and learn to prioritize, but they may not. They will forever be the same guy that you met at the power lines with a cigar in his mouth at the age of 16... even if they learn to put on a suit, carry a brief case, or put out fires. Some girls will never find who they were really meant to be. They will let some deficit of self confidence or self esteem keep them from doing something for themSELVES! Those same girls that followed guys that never gave them any sort of attention in middle and high school will be bossed around for the rest of their lives. They may move on up to a nice house in the suburbs with a family and a dog and vacations and a picture perfect exterior, but behind those eyes, they will hold fear of being left behind. They will be scared. They will define themselves through what others see, and they will never accomplish anything that they were destined to accomplish.

People don't change. Circumstances. Places. Things. Money. Coping mechanisms. Society's norms. Those things change. Everyday they change... but who we are, that will always be inside. You can't escape it. No one can. I just wish we were better at facing it and embracing it. So when push comes to shove, we'll know why people make the decisions they do. Our choices shouldn't be surprises, and if they are, maybe we should reevaluate the image that we project.

Stop Looking

Marilyn Monroe said, "I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful!"

Marilyn Monroe's quotes are, by far, my favorite.
I have learned that every ounce of this quote is true.
College. Or jobs. Or opportunities that bring money mean nothing if we do not shine in the process.
Life should be wonderful. Not our bank accounts. We are what make us wonderful, and our jobs should only supplement that fact.
Stop the questions.
Stop the worry.
Stop.
Everyone has the ability to
Just be wonderful.

Living Here and Now!

"If you keep one eye on the past and one eye on the future, you'll be cock-eyed today!"

Yes, this quote is lighthearted and cute, but it holds a great deal of meaning. We had to write our very last 'Composing the Self' essay for my Freshman Seminar Class this weekend, and I chose to write about Living in the Moment. I think it's safe to say that I have never been one of those people that "lives for today," but the importance of it has become clear to me over the past few months.
I had no idea that I still had so much to learn about life after high school. No one understands how much you change after starting college until you actually go through it. I'm still growing, and I am still learning. And the person that I am needs to stop being so focused on what happened yesterday and what may or may not happen tomorrow. There's no sense in that.

I have one week of class left, and one week of finals. My very first college finals ever! It's pretty crazy! This first semester has gone by so fast! I can hardly believe it. I can't wait for Christmas. Christmas is going to be absolutely amazing because, for some reason, I have a new meaning for it. Christmas is beautiful, and I feel like I understand that for the first time ever! I miss my family so much! I always thought I'd grow up and move away, but it's safe to say that I will be moving BACK as soon as possible!

And the Countdown Begins!

Thanksgiving was so fun! I really did enjoy spending it at the beach. Even though it was quieter and I wasn't able to see all of my friends that went AWAYYY for college that came back! I loved being with my family, and reading and just sitting. Hah. I miss sitting. I don't really just sit anymore...

Three weeks till I go home for Christmas for good! Two weeks of class. Then one week of finals.... Ughhh finals. Just the thought of them makes my heart feel sad. :/ I have started a new diet plan. I was so hellbent on not gaining the feared freshman 15, but it is creeping up on me, and that is UNACCEPTABLE! Nothing drastic, I assure you, but things need to change. Immediately.
My bible study has been awesome! I am going through Genesis and learning some amazing things about my purpose and who I am in Christ. More than that, God and I have developed a much deeper relationship in the past 3 months, I think! Being at college, somedays you just feel all alone, but when you have your Bible and your prayers, He is always there. I have really seen Him show His compassion for me. He stands next to me and allows Himself to be a shoulder to cry on. I would go CRAZY if I didn't have His love to reinforce each step I take.

Next Lesson I've Learned:
I was drying my hair the other day, and a huge burden just fell off my heart. Instantly. I was thinking about how much I worry. I worry about everything, yes, but I mostly worry about things that don't matter. I worry about what others think about me. I worry about people getting the best of me. I worry about people not understanding or supporting the relationships that I have. I worry about this image... but that is so dumb! I love people because I want to. Because they hold some special place in my heart, and I do not have to explain that to anyone. Being cynical and worried about whether that love is being reciprocated is a waste of time. Whether it is a boyfriend or a friend or even a family member, I get joy out of loving them. And that's all that matters.
I worry about getting schoolwork done and how my professors will view me afterwards. I worry about things that I can't change like the weather and the future. Fate and others' feelings. I have no effect on these things yet I try so hard to control them with my worry. It's dumb, and I won't do it anymore! I am letting go of the stress and yucky emotional ties that weigh me down. I'm so tired of worrying.

Secret of Life?

Faith Hill seems to think that the secret to life is 'there ain't no secret'... 'and you don't get your money back!'
I have been thinking a lot lately about the so called 'secret of life'. At Mercer, we are required to take a class called First Year Seminar, and I was placed in First Year Seminar Experience. This class has been interesting, but more than just being interesting, it has caused me to think so much about who I am and why I am that way. Everyday in class, we are asked to give our opinions and beliefs on why the world is the way that it is. We've discussed the difference between good and evil, the root of evil, what constitutes a good person and what makes a bad one, etc. The sad part of the story is that I have found myself becoming skeptical, and that is the last thing I want to do. I have started to question so many things about who I am, and that is not ok. Trying to get back on track...
I think the secret to life is to STOP asking questions. Trying to define life and all of its glory is like trying to catch lightning. Life is too powerful and incredible to be reduced down to a simple explanation written in a textbook.
We need to stop talking and start listening. We need to stop thinking and start feeling.
I've spent all of my life trying to 'make sense of it all.' I guess that's what you get when you're 'smart.'...I overanalyze. I try to hard to find answers to things that require no question in the first place.
We need to learn to feel the pain when we exercise. Hahah. Learn to embrace the breath that flows into our body.
We need to stop questioning God and evil and simply allow Christ's grace to envelope our soul and erase the traces of evil from within.
We need to love with all that we have. With reckless abandon. With so much emotion and passion. If it doesn't work out and fails in the end, SO WHAT?!! We had the time of our lives in the process and felt incredible emotions that can never be replaced.
We need to stop worrying about money. Let the government worry about the economy... They're going to do what they want with the money anyway... With or without consent or approval.
We need to start looking in people's eyes when we ask them how they are. We need to just GIVE to others instead of expecting some sort payback.
We need to SCREAM. DANCE. CRY. LAUGH. FORGIVE and really... just feel.

Keep Holdin' On

I was aware that college would be hard, but I didn't think it was going to take my whole life by storm and change everything that I thought was going to happen. I came to Mercer uneasily. I was excited, but wayyy more nervous about it. After careful consideration, I have decided that it's just... OK. It is a great school, and the professors are amazing, but I'm just not sure if it's the place for me. Lately, we've had to make new schedules for next semester which forces me to think about the future past next semester. I came here thinking that I would go into Pharmacy, but after Chemistry, I become less and less sure everyday. I continue to tell myself that, "You just have to hold on for three and a half more years, and you'll be fine." I shouldn't and WONT live my life like that. I am miserable during the week, and live for the weekends when I get to go home. I have a job in which I only work about 6 hours a week so that I can go home on the weekends.
I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Being 'successful' in school, becoming Valedictorian, being accepted into a private school... these things have built up the expectations of everyone around me. Sure, I can go through with these seven years of pharmacy school, but I may just become miserable in the process.
I WANT to be close to my family. I WANT to be there for Mackenzie's school functions and birthday dinners. I WANT to be able to have a job that I work hard at weeks AND weekends, so I can pull my weight. I'm 18 years old. I should be contributing something. Those things are more important to me than dragging myself through four- eight years of school so that I can get a stamp of approval from an expensive private school and call myself successful.
Somedays I wake up and I realize that at Mercer, I don't live. I merely exist.

What Do I Do Now?

College. Stressful. Confusing. The perfect place to soul-search!
Today, I was struggling through chemistry lab, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I cannot WAIT for this to be over, so I can go back to the dorm and do homework." I'd rather be doing HOMEWORK for goodness sake! I got to thinking more and more and my thoughts took a turn for the serious. I thought, "What if I continue down this road to pharmacy, and every. single. solitary. day feels like this two hour lab feels like?" I would die. All the money means nothing if I'm going to be miserable for the majority of my week. Constantly being on call. Having all the liabilities that come with being a pharmacist. What if I'm having a bad day or I'm sick, and I accidently fill someone's prescription wrong? I could ruin a LOT of people's lives.
I always wanted to do something in the sciences because it seems interesting, but maybe the thing that makes it so interesting to me is that I don't know it. The realms of science are so vast and broad, and the fact that I do not understand them all seems so cool... but if I try to define it, it will lose its luster!
I am not passionate about chemistry. I am passionate about writing. I am passionate about composing. I am passionate about the world around me!! I am trying to figure things out. Maybe I will one day. :)