And the Countdown Begins!

Thanksgiving was so fun! I really did enjoy spending it at the beach. Even though it was quieter and I wasn't able to see all of my friends that went AWAYYY for college that came back! I loved being with my family, and reading and just sitting. Hah. I miss sitting. I don't really just sit anymore...

Three weeks till I go home for Christmas for good! Two weeks of class. Then one week of finals.... Ughhh finals. Just the thought of them makes my heart feel sad. :/ I have started a new diet plan. I was so hellbent on not gaining the feared freshman 15, but it is creeping up on me, and that is UNACCEPTABLE! Nothing drastic, I assure you, but things need to change. Immediately.
My bible study has been awesome! I am going through Genesis and learning some amazing things about my purpose and who I am in Christ. More than that, God and I have developed a much deeper relationship in the past 3 months, I think! Being at college, somedays you just feel all alone, but when you have your Bible and your prayers, He is always there. I have really seen Him show His compassion for me. He stands next to me and allows Himself to be a shoulder to cry on. I would go CRAZY if I didn't have His love to reinforce each step I take.

Next Lesson I've Learned:
I was drying my hair the other day, and a huge burden just fell off my heart. Instantly. I was thinking about how much I worry. I worry about everything, yes, but I mostly worry about things that don't matter. I worry about what others think about me. I worry about people getting the best of me. I worry about people not understanding or supporting the relationships that I have. I worry about this image... but that is so dumb! I love people because I want to. Because they hold some special place in my heart, and I do not have to explain that to anyone. Being cynical and worried about whether that love is being reciprocated is a waste of time. Whether it is a boyfriend or a friend or even a family member, I get joy out of loving them. And that's all that matters.
I worry about getting schoolwork done and how my professors will view me afterwards. I worry about things that I can't change like the weather and the future. Fate and others' feelings. I have no effect on these things yet I try so hard to control them with my worry. It's dumb, and I won't do it anymore! I am letting go of the stress and yucky emotional ties that weigh me down. I'm so tired of worrying.

Secret of Life?

Faith Hill seems to think that the secret to life is 'there ain't no secret'... 'and you don't get your money back!'
I have been thinking a lot lately about the so called 'secret of life'. At Mercer, we are required to take a class called First Year Seminar, and I was placed in First Year Seminar Experience. This class has been interesting, but more than just being interesting, it has caused me to think so much about who I am and why I am that way. Everyday in class, we are asked to give our opinions and beliefs on why the world is the way that it is. We've discussed the difference between good and evil, the root of evil, what constitutes a good person and what makes a bad one, etc. The sad part of the story is that I have found myself becoming skeptical, and that is the last thing I want to do. I have started to question so many things about who I am, and that is not ok. Trying to get back on track...
I think the secret to life is to STOP asking questions. Trying to define life and all of its glory is like trying to catch lightning. Life is too powerful and incredible to be reduced down to a simple explanation written in a textbook.
We need to stop talking and start listening. We need to stop thinking and start feeling.
I've spent all of my life trying to 'make sense of it all.' I guess that's what you get when you're 'smart.'...I overanalyze. I try to hard to find answers to things that require no question in the first place.
We need to learn to feel the pain when we exercise. Hahah. Learn to embrace the breath that flows into our body.
We need to stop questioning God and evil and simply allow Christ's grace to envelope our soul and erase the traces of evil from within.
We need to love with all that we have. With reckless abandon. With so much emotion and passion. If it doesn't work out and fails in the end, SO WHAT?!! We had the time of our lives in the process and felt incredible emotions that can never be replaced.
We need to stop worrying about money. Let the government worry about the economy... They're going to do what they want with the money anyway... With or without consent or approval.
We need to start looking in people's eyes when we ask them how they are. We need to just GIVE to others instead of expecting some sort payback.
We need to SCREAM. DANCE. CRY. LAUGH. FORGIVE and really... just feel.

Keep Holdin' On

I was aware that college would be hard, but I didn't think it was going to take my whole life by storm and change everything that I thought was going to happen. I came to Mercer uneasily. I was excited, but wayyy more nervous about it. After careful consideration, I have decided that it's just... OK. It is a great school, and the professors are amazing, but I'm just not sure if it's the place for me. Lately, we've had to make new schedules for next semester which forces me to think about the future past next semester. I came here thinking that I would go into Pharmacy, but after Chemistry, I become less and less sure everyday. I continue to tell myself that, "You just have to hold on for three and a half more years, and you'll be fine." I shouldn't and WONT live my life like that. I am miserable during the week, and live for the weekends when I get to go home. I have a job in which I only work about 6 hours a week so that I can go home on the weekends.
I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Being 'successful' in school, becoming Valedictorian, being accepted into a private school... these things have built up the expectations of everyone around me. Sure, I can go through with these seven years of pharmacy school, but I may just become miserable in the process.
I WANT to be close to my family. I WANT to be there for Mackenzie's school functions and birthday dinners. I WANT to be able to have a job that I work hard at weeks AND weekends, so I can pull my weight. I'm 18 years old. I should be contributing something. Those things are more important to me than dragging myself through four- eight years of school so that I can get a stamp of approval from an expensive private school and call myself successful.
Somedays I wake up and I realize that at Mercer, I don't live. I merely exist.

What Do I Do Now?

College. Stressful. Confusing. The perfect place to soul-search!
Today, I was struggling through chemistry lab, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I cannot WAIT for this to be over, so I can go back to the dorm and do homework." I'd rather be doing HOMEWORK for goodness sake! I got to thinking more and more and my thoughts took a turn for the serious. I thought, "What if I continue down this road to pharmacy, and every. single. solitary. day feels like this two hour lab feels like?" I would die. All the money means nothing if I'm going to be miserable for the majority of my week. Constantly being on call. Having all the liabilities that come with being a pharmacist. What if I'm having a bad day or I'm sick, and I accidently fill someone's prescription wrong? I could ruin a LOT of people's lives.
I always wanted to do something in the sciences because it seems interesting, but maybe the thing that makes it so interesting to me is that I don't know it. The realms of science are so vast and broad, and the fact that I do not understand them all seems so cool... but if I try to define it, it will lose its luster!
I am not passionate about chemistry. I am passionate about writing. I am passionate about composing. I am passionate about the world around me!! I am trying to figure things out. Maybe I will one day. :)

I am not Alone! :)

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching in the past few weeks. I'm out here in Macon, basically alone, and I have all the newfound freedom and opportunity. I came here to major in Chemistry and become a Pharmacist, but everyday that goes by makes me think, "Hey, Is this what I really want?" Truth is, I'm just not sure. I kind of talked myself into believing that I worked so hard in high school, and now I'm in a private college that costs so much to attend... So that must mean that I have to become a doctor or a lawyer or a PHARMACIST. Those things will someday lead me to a lot of money, but as we all know, money can't buy happiness. I find myself fantasizing about being an Environmental Science major and working to improve water quality or soil quality somewhere. Also, my dreams of being a recording artist haven't exactly died yet... and why should they? If I work hard enough, I can do anything!
I started a new book, "The List" by Marian Jordan. Jordan helps us to realize that the "list" that we make for ourselves only sets us up for disappointment. We have to abandon our lists and trust in God. So often, I put my own faith in my grades or my family or Jamie or my friends, and no matter how amazing these things can be, I will always end up being hurt or let down in some form or fashion because I have to abandon my life to Him, and only Him. My favorite chapter has been the one about hope. She writes of how we try so hard to put our hope into worldly things: The man that we expect to come into our lives and change it forever, the job that we think waits for us after college, the 2.5 children we long to have with the white picket fence house we think will complete us. She says, "Hope can be an incredible feeling, but real hope is so much more than a feeling!" She is totally and completely right. And a life with Christ is the only REAL hope we have.
Last night, I decided to go to 'Confessions of a Christian' which was held at my school. Six people got up to give their testimonies, and they were so incredible. It relit my fire so to speak, and I felt God move in me. When we were singing 'How He Loves Us,' it's like He was speaking to me. He was saying, "Macy, don't be silly. There's no reason to stress about your major or your job or your boyfriend or your family.. I have it all taken care of. And I will love you if you are a Pharmacist or a Musician or a corn farmer. You are flawless when you walk with Me."
Sometimes, I am gonna get stressed out. I am going to worry and place my hope into worldly desires that will never fulfill me. But in the end, I know I have Him to lean on, and He will lift me up and light my path no matter how dark it may seem.

I Believe in People

In my FYSX class, we are reading a book called This I Beieve. It is a collection of philosophies that different people hold. The authors compiled include Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, politicians, famous screenwriters and regular joes just like you and me. If you have never come across this book, I urge you to go buy it. It is an easy read, and it opens your eyes to the wonder of...well, people in general. I've read the firsthand account of a homosexual male and his struggle with sexuality, the hardship as well as beauty of a man with autism, the strength of a mother that lost her child, the success of a woman left by her father and raised by friends that became family. So many walks of life I'll never experience, but I am able to peer into their stories and feel their emotion by reading the three pages they added to the book.

This weekend is Wilderness Weekend for my class. We will be camping and trying to get closer to one another by "going back to the basics" with no cellphones and no technology to stifle our communication, or atleast that's what I think it's all about. :) Our assignment for the week is to think of a defining moment in our life. Not necessarily a moment that changed our life, but a story that will better express who we are to the class. Unfortunately, I have not decided which story I will tell around the campfire, but I did want to share what I believe with you now.

I believe in people. I believe that no matter who you are and where you come from, you have the ability and the opportunity to be something incredible. Sometimes, we try to make ourselves think that the only way to get ahead or become successful is to abandon our ties to people and go it alone. This is actually the opposite of the truth. Every musician needs someone to listen. Every teacher needs someone to teach. Every businessman needs someone to sell to. Everyone needs somebody. For encouragement. For affection. For strength.

I believe that everyone is innately good. Now, this belief may cause controvery. You may ask, well, what about terrorism? What about rape and murder? If our society is declining so rapidly, how could I possibly think that people are GOOD? I just do. I believe that anyone can change no matter what their background may be and what their story is. Life is too short to remain cynical and hateful of the world around us. Instead of belittling and shunning those that are not like we are, we are adding to their negative cycles. "A smile can go miles." No matter how corny that may sound, I try to follow it everyday. Someone may have a bad attitude, or they may have had a bad day... But I will not perpetuate that. What's the point? I refuse to walk around life worried, cynical and unsociable simply because, generally, people are "bad".

I believe that happiness is a choice. You can see rain as an omen or as an opportunity. You can fall flat on your face (figuratively or literally) and choose to be defeated and broken, or you can stand back up and believe in yourself with reckless abandon. You can live your life just going through the motions or you can make every single second full of wonder and passion.

This, I believe.

Pocketful of Sunshine!*

I think I'm getting the hang of this. Yes, college. Yes, a long distance relationship. But generally...LIFE! I think after 18 years, I have figured out that I do not have to be perfect. I'm just not going to be. My chemistry class taught me that in 4 short weeks!

This week has been so productive! I started my job at the Law School, which I like. I got my first exams in Calculus and Chemistry done with! Tomorrow, I'm having a girl day filled with Plato's closet and midnight movie. Saturday, we have Be a Good NeighBEAR! A full schedule is good for me! :) Hah.

Today, at work, I got an email from Luke. It was the link to the lead singer of Sanctus Real's blog concerning his family's struggle with his youngest son that is having a hard time because of heart problems! It is such a powerful blog that I recommend everyone follow. It is amazing what faith in God can do! Their story inspires me. I love it.

Back to the boring life of Macy... I thought I was going to hate it here. Slowly, I am getting used to it. I am starting to find my place. I just might fit here. I have made some great friends that I am so thankful for! I'm not really sure how I would be if I hadn't met them! Probably crazy! Hah.

*Macy