What Do I Do Now?

College. Stressful. Confusing. The perfect place to soul-search!
Today, I was struggling through chemistry lab, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I cannot WAIT for this to be over, so I can go back to the dorm and do homework." I'd rather be doing HOMEWORK for goodness sake! I got to thinking more and more and my thoughts took a turn for the serious. I thought, "What if I continue down this road to pharmacy, and every. single. solitary. day feels like this two hour lab feels like?" I would die. All the money means nothing if I'm going to be miserable for the majority of my week. Constantly being on call. Having all the liabilities that come with being a pharmacist. What if I'm having a bad day or I'm sick, and I accidently fill someone's prescription wrong? I could ruin a LOT of people's lives.
I always wanted to do something in the sciences because it seems interesting, but maybe the thing that makes it so interesting to me is that I don't know it. The realms of science are so vast and broad, and the fact that I do not understand them all seems so cool... but if I try to define it, it will lose its luster!
I am not passionate about chemistry. I am passionate about writing. I am passionate about composing. I am passionate about the world around me!! I am trying to figure things out. Maybe I will one day. :)

I am not Alone! :)

I have been doing a great deal of soul searching in the past few weeks. I'm out here in Macon, basically alone, and I have all the newfound freedom and opportunity. I came here to major in Chemistry and become a Pharmacist, but everyday that goes by makes me think, "Hey, Is this what I really want?" Truth is, I'm just not sure. I kind of talked myself into believing that I worked so hard in high school, and now I'm in a private college that costs so much to attend... So that must mean that I have to become a doctor or a lawyer or a PHARMACIST. Those things will someday lead me to a lot of money, but as we all know, money can't buy happiness. I find myself fantasizing about being an Environmental Science major and working to improve water quality or soil quality somewhere. Also, my dreams of being a recording artist haven't exactly died yet... and why should they? If I work hard enough, I can do anything!
I started a new book, "The List" by Marian Jordan. Jordan helps us to realize that the "list" that we make for ourselves only sets us up for disappointment. We have to abandon our lists and trust in God. So often, I put my own faith in my grades or my family or Jamie or my friends, and no matter how amazing these things can be, I will always end up being hurt or let down in some form or fashion because I have to abandon my life to Him, and only Him. My favorite chapter has been the one about hope. She writes of how we try so hard to put our hope into worldly things: The man that we expect to come into our lives and change it forever, the job that we think waits for us after college, the 2.5 children we long to have with the white picket fence house we think will complete us. She says, "Hope can be an incredible feeling, but real hope is so much more than a feeling!" She is totally and completely right. And a life with Christ is the only REAL hope we have.
Last night, I decided to go to 'Confessions of a Christian' which was held at my school. Six people got up to give their testimonies, and they were so incredible. It relit my fire so to speak, and I felt God move in me. When we were singing 'How He Loves Us,' it's like He was speaking to me. He was saying, "Macy, don't be silly. There's no reason to stress about your major or your job or your boyfriend or your family.. I have it all taken care of. And I will love you if you are a Pharmacist or a Musician or a corn farmer. You are flawless when you walk with Me."
Sometimes, I am gonna get stressed out. I am going to worry and place my hope into worldly desires that will never fulfill me. But in the end, I know I have Him to lean on, and He will lift me up and light my path no matter how dark it may seem.

I Believe in People

In my FYSX class, we are reading a book called This I Beieve. It is a collection of philosophies that different people hold. The authors compiled include Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, politicians, famous screenwriters and regular joes just like you and me. If you have never come across this book, I urge you to go buy it. It is an easy read, and it opens your eyes to the wonder of...well, people in general. I've read the firsthand account of a homosexual male and his struggle with sexuality, the hardship as well as beauty of a man with autism, the strength of a mother that lost her child, the success of a woman left by her father and raised by friends that became family. So many walks of life I'll never experience, but I am able to peer into their stories and feel their emotion by reading the three pages they added to the book.

This weekend is Wilderness Weekend for my class. We will be camping and trying to get closer to one another by "going back to the basics" with no cellphones and no technology to stifle our communication, or atleast that's what I think it's all about. :) Our assignment for the week is to think of a defining moment in our life. Not necessarily a moment that changed our life, but a story that will better express who we are to the class. Unfortunately, I have not decided which story I will tell around the campfire, but I did want to share what I believe with you now.

I believe in people. I believe that no matter who you are and where you come from, you have the ability and the opportunity to be something incredible. Sometimes, we try to make ourselves think that the only way to get ahead or become successful is to abandon our ties to people and go it alone. This is actually the opposite of the truth. Every musician needs someone to listen. Every teacher needs someone to teach. Every businessman needs someone to sell to. Everyone needs somebody. For encouragement. For affection. For strength.

I believe that everyone is innately good. Now, this belief may cause controvery. You may ask, well, what about terrorism? What about rape and murder? If our society is declining so rapidly, how could I possibly think that people are GOOD? I just do. I believe that anyone can change no matter what their background may be and what their story is. Life is too short to remain cynical and hateful of the world around us. Instead of belittling and shunning those that are not like we are, we are adding to their negative cycles. "A smile can go miles." No matter how corny that may sound, I try to follow it everyday. Someone may have a bad attitude, or they may have had a bad day... But I will not perpetuate that. What's the point? I refuse to walk around life worried, cynical and unsociable simply because, generally, people are "bad".

I believe that happiness is a choice. You can see rain as an omen or as an opportunity. You can fall flat on your face (figuratively or literally) and choose to be defeated and broken, or you can stand back up and believe in yourself with reckless abandon. You can live your life just going through the motions or you can make every single second full of wonder and passion.

This, I believe.

Pocketful of Sunshine!*

I think I'm getting the hang of this. Yes, college. Yes, a long distance relationship. But generally...LIFE! I think after 18 years, I have figured out that I do not have to be perfect. I'm just not going to be. My chemistry class taught me that in 4 short weeks!

This week has been so productive! I started my job at the Law School, which I like. I got my first exams in Calculus and Chemistry done with! Tomorrow, I'm having a girl day filled with Plato's closet and midnight movie. Saturday, we have Be a Good NeighBEAR! A full schedule is good for me! :) Hah.

Today, at work, I got an email from Luke. It was the link to the lead singer of Sanctus Real's blog concerning his family's struggle with his youngest son that is having a hard time because of heart problems! It is such a powerful blog that I recommend everyone follow. It is amazing what faith in God can do! Their story inspires me. I love it.

Back to the boring life of Macy... I thought I was going to hate it here. Slowly, I am getting used to it. I am starting to find my place. I just might fit here. I have made some great friends that I am so thankful for! I'm not really sure how I would be if I hadn't met them! Probably crazy! Hah.

*Macy

Here and Now.

I have not done very well with keeping this blog up to date, BUT I have been so busy that I haven't been able to see straight! I have NEVER had this much homework in my life, but they say that Pre-Health will teach you to prioritize, study and work like never before. I guess I understand... I want to be a QUALIFIED pharmacist because I would want my own pharmacist to be! I run from class to class back to the dorm to do homework. I have to force myself to eat and sleep, and I haven't seen the inside of that gym in a week and a half.
We have ventured out into Mac-Town a little bit though. We went to the mall and to the movies. The north part of Macon is really nice! My roommate and my hallmates are all so sweet, and the dorm life is not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but I would MUCH rather have an apartment. Somewhere to take a shower without shoes on. Somewhere that I could go to sleep on a bed that my feet did not hang off of. Somewhere that I could have visitors that weren't watched like a hawk. Maybe one day I'll be able to get one.... I do have a job interview on Friday with the Law School here in Macon. It would be awesome to get a job like that. It would also help me to raise some funds. Maybe contribute to the apartment a little bit more than I can now and persuade my parents to invest in it! Who knows? I'm so nervous!
Being here for three weeks now, I have been able to really think about myself and the road that I have chosen and the parts of the road that I don't even see yet. Today in class, we were talking about passion and what drives us to accomplish things. Somewhere the discussion changed to the future and whether or not we want to know what happens before it actually does. Whether or not we're scared of the future or awaiting its arrival with excited anticipation. As for me, I would NOT want to know what the future holds for me. I just intend to live every single day like it's my last. I know that I worry too much. I know that I overanalyze, and I am trying to work on those things. I guess my goal here in college is to work hard and put in the effort so that I can find a good, stable job that I care about, but at the same time, I am going to let the future STAY in the future. Who knows what kinds of turns my relationships will take? And who knows what my major will be when I decide in January. Who even knows what I'll choose to wear tomorrow morning or eat for breakfast. I have spent TOO much time during these three weeks worrying about whether or not I am going to make it to Pharm school in three years. Or if I am going to pass my PCAT. I've worried about how long my friends from Douglasville will remain as close as they have been for all of these years. I've worried about whether or not the distance will break apart the relationship that Jamie and I have worked so freaking hard on. And the realization that I came to today. In my FYSX class was that I have no control over the outcome. Of any of these things. Fate is fate. If I try to avoid an outcome that is meant to be, it will still be. If I try too hard and work myself crazy, I will only be unhappy. Successful MAYBE but unhappy. If I stress about my friendships, I will soon resent them. If I overanalyze and worry about my relationship, I will only push him away.
I am living. Here and Now. I am finding my way. One step at a time. Day by day.

Roll With the Punches.

This week was my first week of class. Today is my third day technically. It is still so strange to me. To sleep here. To eat here. To have allllll these people around me that I do not know. I AM getting used to it, but it's not a simple thing to get used to.
On my very first day, we were assigned a great deal of reading in our textbook...which I hadn't gotten in the mail by move in day. So. I had to leave campus and drive all the way home just to come back here a few hours later. Some may allow that to bring them down, but it acually was awesome. I've only been in Macon since Saturday, but it feels like so much longer! It felt so good to be in Douglasville. To drive down Mason Creek, to stop at the Exxon and get scratch offs... :) I guess I didn't realize how much I loved it there until I'm NOT there everyday.
This semester is going to be tough. I have First Year Seminar Experience. It is a GREAT class with GREAT people. I really enjoy it. As a class, we are supposed to tutor elementary school students every Wednesday, so I am very excited about that! Secondly, I have Intro to Psychology. It promises to be challenging, but I think I am going to learn a lot of INTERESTING material. It also made me feel great today in class because I knew everything the professor was talking about... which is a good sign. Other than those two, I have Chemistry and Calculus I. Those are going to be HARD. No if's, and's or but's about it. Fortunately, there is a great deal of tutoring offered for those classes!! I do have 16 hours this semester. I hope I can handle it. I know that I worked hard in high school. I was challenged, but NOTHING can prepare you for this. Nothing!!
Tomorrow is FRIDAY, so I'll be going home. I am so stoked out of my mind. I miss being at home... I still don't know how much I "love" being here. It is such an awesome place. I'm just still so out of my element and so overwhelmed. Only time will tell. :)

Welcome to Mercer University!

Tonight, I write to you from my desk in Boone Hall at Mercer. My very first night in the dorm.
The road to get here was long. I felt like it would never ever get here. Especially towards the end. These last few weeks have been so bittersweet. I truly am so excited about starting school here. It is such an amazing campus with amazing people. I am so proud to stand among them! But it is so scary and so SAD! I had no idea how sad the whole "mom, dad and jamie leaving campus" thing would be. I'm not great with emotions. (Even though Jamie may disagree) It hurt. Literally hurt to see them leave. Not because I'm scared they'll forget me or that they are letting go. I'm just sad because today I truly let go of my childhood. Sure, graduation was a huge step towards growing up, but now... It's really done. Things aren't gonna be the same anymore. Even though I'll call her all the time, Mom really won't know what I'm doing at 2:00 AM. And even though I will be home on the weekends and holidays and such, I won't be able to hang out with Jamie for an hour before work. It's simply different. And I must learn to cope. I do hope that my family and friends are willing to deal with me during this time of transition! I will get the hang of it, I promise.
Aside from the hum-drum business, we set up our room. It is so awesome. I am really proud of it. It's amazing how three or four carloads of stuff can fit in one teeny tiny room. But it happens! :)

It is still strange to me that this is my 'home' during the week! It just feels like we're at convention or camp or staying at a tiny hotel! I guess I will learn to love it too!
The next few days are supposed to be filled will 'meeting new people' and 'expanding horizons'. I guess we'll see. Class starts Tuesday. I forgot to pack my calculator and my psychology books never came in... We will see. So far, I think everything is going great! Can't wait to see what Mercer has to offer!!