This I Believe

At Mercer, I read a book called This I Believe for my "freshman experience" class. It touched me so deeply, and I'm pretty sure that I blogged about it when was reading it back then.
Recently, I suggested to Ryan that he should read it. He loves books and deep, meaningful philosophies, so I knew it would be perfect for him. It reminded me how much I loved the short stories, so I checked on Amazon for anything that might be similar, and I found This I Believe II. I ordered it, and I have fallen in love once again.
I asked Ryan what it was that he believed. Like if he had to write 500 words on what it was that he believed, what would it be? He didn't answer me, but after the past 2 1/2 weeks, I found a new belief. So in 500 words, I will try to explain myself...

I believe in the power of trying. Trying doesn’t necessarily mean success or failure, and that is what makes it so powerful.

I have had a lot of success in my life. I have had so many wonderful moments that I know are miracles and blessings. But those moments are not always the ones that I thank my Lord for before I close my eyes at night. I thank the Lord for the opportunities that didn’t work out. The things that I tried to do, but I fell short. Because those are the moments in which I had to reevaluate. Reinvent. Grow as a person and become more.

I love people. Maybe that’s why I have such a strong desire for a romantic relationship. I’ve always deemed it a flaw. Something that I needed to beat down and suppress. My small catalogue of suitors speaks for itself. I’m a try-er. I have a hard time giving up especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

So how do these two things come together? Trying is not trying if you just go halfway. If you don’t put yourself on the line, then you’re not trying at all. You’re faking. You’re denying yourself the chance of success in anything that you do. Trying relationally means laying it all there. Big risk means big reward. Trying does not guarantee success, and, more often than not, you’ll probably fail. But it’s a win-win. If you succeed, you find happiness. If you fail, you learn, and then you find happiness.

I believe in trying because I believe in hope. Hopefulness. I read somewhere that the average person dates between 7 to 10 people before finding “the one.” That’s a lot of failure. That’s a lot of meeting the parents and learning favorite colors and broken hearts. But it’s also a lot of first kisses. Sunsets. Late night talks. Dates. And then after it’s all said and done, you might find your person. And even then… it’s just “might.”

What is the alternative? Other than live with hope?

So I choose to try. To keep putting myself out there over and over until it all clicks for me. I choose hope. I choose to believe in fairy tales and to keep my head up. Even if one day, I find myself alone, at least I know I tried. 

Finding Bliss

I am going to throw some VERY overused and cliche quotes at you.
"“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
― Albert Einstein

I lead a small group at church of about 10 or 15 sixth grade girls on Wednesday nights. They are absolutely fascinating and beautiful and wonderful in every single way! Every week, we end up talking about things that are on their hearts. Every so often, a girl is dealing with a divorce of her parents or other family members. Or a family member or friend is sick or hurting, and they are always very quick to express their concerns for that. But EVERY week, we talk a great deal about being bullied. Or maybe a boy that they like is being silly. Or they are in an argument with their friends. Just little things that I remember going through in middle school, and when I look back, I wish I would have just took a breath and let it go.
It's funny, when we're younger, we always kind of want to be able to say, "I've been there. I know what you're going through. And I promise that it is not anything to worry about," to someone else. I remember being in these huge fights with my friends about not being invited to a birthday party or not being the friend that was invited over to spend the night one weekend. My mom and dad would say things like, "Macy, when you're older, this will not matter one bit" or "You're real friends will always be there for you. In a few years, you'll know WHO you really need in your life and WHAT you really need in your life." I would just shrug them off and think they were absolutely insane because my whole world was falling apart because I would not be falling asleep on Friday night at "Susie Q's" house.
It's so weird being at a place in my life where I look at these girls and know exactly what they're going through. I wish so much that they understood that one day, all these things will just vaporize. They will forget the tears. They will forget how upset they were. None of that will matter. The stress won't matter. One day, it will click for them. That life is just too short. We are here for a blink. A breath. Every single moment spent worrying or stressed out is a moment that we'll never get back.
The saddest thing to me is that there are adult people even friends and family of my own that are still waiting for the click. We hold grudges. We let tasks keep us from people. We let stress overtake us, and we lose ourselves completely. The differences between then and now is that we have school and jobs to throw ourselves into, and, furthermore, we have life experience. We've been hurt before, and we do not want it to happen again.
Those quotes that I attached at the top are three of my favorite quotes of all time. The last one always really strikes a chord with me. We can live as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is. Is it really that simple? When things happen to you. When people hurt you. When everything inside of you hits rock bottom, and you're not sure it'll ever turn up again... Why in the world would you want to try to convince yourself that your life is a miracle? Why not? I mean, really. How is it going to help you if you choose to keep your guard up? It won't.
I live in my own little world. My own bubble, if you please. I am overly optimistic and anything but realistic. I believe in people. I love people. That's not because bad things have never happened to me. It's certainly not because I've never been betrayed or hurt by people. I have been. I just wake up EVERY morning and choose to treat my life like a miracle.
In that, I find bliss.

How Deep Is Your Love?

I am not the kind of girl that sparks up conversations with people I don't know. I am also not the kind of girl that makes friends all that easily. I didn't make it to too many parties in high school. I have never been one to have hundreds of friends... But those people that I love have every ounce of my heart.
I'm not a rude person. I love people as a whole. I think that we, as a people, have an incredible opportunity to care about each other and help each other. We can make a difference. I have always had a heart for service, and volunteering has always been a big part of my life. I guess I'm just a little slow to put all my trust in someone relationally. I fall slow but hard, if that makes sense.
I have passion. I have emotion. When I love, I love with everything I have. With reckless abandon.
I don't see a point in living any other way. Just scratching the surface will never be enough for me. I want all there is to offer. I want to jump head first. It's absolutely crazy, but I can't be anything else. It's impossible.

Discontentment? No way!

Since Christmas, a book has sat on my floor waiting to be read.
The Resolution for Women.
Inspired by The Resolution that is depicted in the film, Courageous, The Resolution for Women helps women of all ages to redefine and reevaluate who they are in Christ. I have avoided the book. I don't know why? Maybe because I'm comfortable with where I am. I volunteer at church. I am at a good school. I have good friends and a great family and the man I want to be with forever... I mean, what do I need to reevaluate, right?
Tonight at the middle school service, I got a glimpse of a what life is like for them. Their friends are hurting themselves, touching each other inappropriately at school, seeing things in life that no 12, 13 or 14 year old should see. It broke my heart. How in the world can I be comfortable in a world like that? I have to work harder than ever to know exactly where I am in my walk with God because I might be the only Jesus that those girls see. That those middle schoolers see. But even more than that, I might be the only Jesus that the kid that sits behind me in French sees or people at school see or people at the mall see.

So I opened the book. I told myself I would not rush through it. I made myself a promise that every time I sat down to read it, I would only work through one chapter at a time. The very first chapter was about becoming discontent because of not relishing each moment in life. Rushing through life and not truly experiencing it. And that one thing might be the biggest fault that I have. I try so hard to remind myself NOT to rush life, but I get so antsy. It's like I keep waiting for something else to happen. Something big. And I miss the moments that matter sometimes. I get so bogged down in the destination that I forget to talk to Mackenzie who sits in the passenger seat or watch Ryan sing at the top of his lungs as he drives. I make lists in my head about the EVENTS that are to come months down the road. WHY DO I DO THAT? I want to really experience what's happening now. I will only have a 19th year once. Mackenzie will only look like this and talk like this and be like this one time. Ryan and I will only have this honeymoon period once. I will only be able to sit in the living room and giggle with mom and dad at this one point in my life. Everything is fleeting. There is no room to complain or argue or be discontent with life.
"True godliness with contentment is itself great wealth." I Timothy 6:6 NLT
"If we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content." I Timothy 6:8 AMP

I want to challenge you. Each chapter ends with a few questions. And I think it will really change your life (like it has mine) to just think about them. Write them down if you want. Just skim them. It doesn't matter. Give it a try!
-What have you been hurrying through?
-What have you been hurrying to get to?
-What are some of the good parts of your experience that you've missed in your attempt to rush through the more difficult ones?
-What can you do differently today to "scrape the plate"- to gather up all the good things around you and begin enjoying the journey of your life?

Fairytales and Happy Endings

2012 has given me a lot to be thankful for!
More opportunities to sing and perform.
The strength to quit my job.
Finally getting into my major.
I'll be going to 2 new states.
I fell head over heels in love with the most amazing man I've ever met.
Awesome things at Wired at Crossroads Church.
30 Day Challenge with my family.
Ok, so you get the point! Things have been busy, and things have been great!
This year I will be 20 years old. It is incredibly easy to get caught in between where I was in high school and where I want to be after college. College is wonderful and fun and exciting... but it is also scary. When it's over, the real world begins! There's no stopping it. Thankfully, the Lord calms my fears:
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34
There's some analogy about driving in the dark. I can't exactly remember it, but it talks about when you're driving in the dark, you don't always have to see the destination. The important thing is that you're able to keep moving just a few feet at a time, and you'll make it where you need to go in the end.
I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I am working on knocking out the worry. I always try to do things with the best of intentions... and those things don't always work out. "The Boyfriend Fast" for example. Or going to Mercer. But I'm very lucky because I always learn something from all the things that don't work out.
All I can do is keep walking just a few feet at a time.
1. Finish these last couple weeks of work.
2. New Orleans
3. Wrap up this semester at school.
4. California
5. Find an internship or a job.

one at a time. one step at a time.

Breathe and Believe

"So breathe, life will surprise you.
Just be. It's what the world denies you.
You see the truth is all around you.
Believe."
-Brandon Heath, Beauty Divine


One of my professors is crazy. I mean, like certifiably, absolutely crazy. He teaches Anthropology 1001, so I guess he must be a little bit crazy. In order to be able to comprehend all the things that the human race has been through and where we're going, he must be a little bit disconnected from the rest of us here on Earth.
He is already challenging the entire base of knowledge and belief that I have built for myself over the last 19 years. Ironically, he has inspired me.
Okay, so he quotes people that I'm not sure exist... And he likes to continuously comment on all the miles that he runs or the fact that he does Tai Chi on his roof in the morning... And he likes to flirt with the pretty Indian girl on the front row... But he's got one thing right. He is constantly repeating how important it is that we live with passion. We have to live with bliss.
In class on Wednesday, he said, "The greatest joy in life is simply living." We've all heard this before. We've all heard things like this so many times before that we're sick of hearing it! For some reason though, yesterday I could not get his words out of my head. I have spent a lot of my time praying for joy or thinking about joy or telling myself, "I'll have joy when *this* happens or *this* happens." Why not now? Why not right here in this second?
It's funny. Every year, I make a list of New Year's Resolutions so long that I can never keep up with them for longer than maybe 4 or 5 days. Always with the best of intentions. This year, I started making my list, and then I scrapped it. The only thing I left on my list was to be happy. To find my joy. Sitting in class, I prayed to God saying, "You have sent this weird little man to keep me in check, huh? You are not letting me give up on my resolution this year! Thanks for that!"
It makes me so sad to see how people treat each other. How people treat themselves. Middle school girls tearing each other apart and breaking each other down for BOYS that probably don't even know their middle name much less care a thing about them. Teenagers and twenty somethings that judge and hate each other because maybe they're not headed in the same direction. Adults that can't find meaning in this blessing of a life, so they lash out on their families and friends in order to find some kind of power. Geeze, why in the world do we do this? Why don't we just love other people. And more than that, why can't we just love the moment and forget about everything else. Pettiness just distracts us from finding peace.
It would be easy to freak out about the fact that I haven't the slightest clue what I want to do when I graduate. But instead, I want to be a student passionately. I am not always going to be in this position that I'm in now. Right now, I have the ability to explore and experiment with what I think I might want to do with my life. That's awesome! It would also be easy to just throw the expectation of a relationship on this angel of a man that was brave enough to date me right now. But instead, I want to just be thankful for every moment that the Good Lord has blessed us with. As a member of the female species, I know that we jump to conclusions and can be extremely skeptical of a good thing. We are also very talented at squelching a good thing with "what if's" and "will this work's." I'm not doing the "Is he gonna stick around" routine. Or "this is too good to be true" dance. Today. Where we are in this moment is the happiest I've ever been. No exaggeration. And this is not a female dramatization. He is bliss. And that changes everything for me.
It's easier to hide from people that you went to high school with. Let's get real. Every one of you reading knows what I mean... It's easier to dwell on the fact that you haven't talked since graduation night. Or maybe you've reached out, and they shut you down? Maybe they reached out, and you're always too busy? I want to love on those people. I want to wave at them. Ask them how they are. Odds are, we'll never speak again, but in that moment, they're there. And I have to make sure they feel important for 5 seconds.
Traffic doesn't have to be something that forces us into a panic attack. An argument with a friend can be simple if we suck it up and end it with no expectation of being the "winner". Our dead end jobs don't have to ruin our days. Those mean, jaded people at school don't have to make us feel insecure or bad about who we are. The scale shouldn't hurt us. Our SAT scores shouldn't. Our terrible job. Our broken relationships. Nothing should. Because every day that we are blessed with is a new beginning. I know what you're thinking... "Macy, why are you just throwing cliches all over the place?" Because one day, when you hear it, it will click in your heart.
One day it will all mean something different. We'll be able to revel in it. The laughter of family members. The warmth of the sun. Friendships that mean everything. A kiss so magical, you never thought it could possibly exist. A smile from a stranger. Love. Pain. Energy. Compassion. How things taste. How things feel. When you're walking with bliss... Life is different. It's better. It's absolutely, recklessly perfect.
My anthropology professor is a smart man. He lives with reckless bliss. Reckless passion. And reckless happiness. It's something that I wish for myself as well as every single person on the planet.

Keep the Faith!

I've been asking God a lot lately... "What in the WORLD is your plan?"
I'm a Junior in college with no real idea what I want to do. I work at a place that is not even remotely related to what I go to school for. All my friends are headed down the aisle or at least have an idea when they'll be headed that way, while I am incredibly far from the aisle.
Today, God put a few verses in front of me that made my brain go, "DING!"
-"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
-"He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a very little thing is unrighteous also in much." Luke 16:10
-"Don't act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do." Ephesians 5:17

The Lord is screaming, "Macy, just be faithful!" Okay, so maybe I don't have many crazy party stories from high school or college? And maybe I am almost 20 years old, and I am participating in a boyfriend fast? I keep wondering when I'll know what I am supposed to do with this life, and God has it all under control! It feels good to be reminded. :)