Over the past few months, I have used this blog to detail what's going on in my head. It is less for my family to read and more for me to read. After looking back, I see that I have changed. I haven't decided if that's a good or a bad thing yet...? I am just evolving. My scope of life is getting larger. I am feeling more things and doing more things. I have started to really grow up. I guess college is when you're supposed to do that?
I have spent my whole life knowing exactly what I wanted to do, and working my butt off to make sure those things fall into place. I entered college hoping to graduate 7 years later with a Pharm D degree, a husband, a brand new life and all that comes with it. Well, folks, that's not going to happen! Pharmacy could not be less right for me. I will probably have no other opportunity to attain a PH.D. in 7 years in any other program, and a husband is nowhere in sight. I do not want to continue my academic career at Mercer, but I am not "accepted" into any other college at the moment. When I return home, I will have to start over with the job search after quitting two really great jobs in the past two years. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to major in, and I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do with my life. But you know what? I absolutely do not care.
I am a motivated and determined individual. This time that I have right now... this limbo. I am in between projects. In between thoughts. In between passions. This time is so refreshing. I am able to take responsibility for any action I take, but these moments of no certain action feel so amazing. Everything does not have to be so serious. I can take any kind of class that I want... If I do not like it, I will just mark it off the very long list of possible career choices and move on. I can make friends with people that may not necessarily be like me. I can date people that I might not necessarily fully understand. People that fill up my mind but do not expect anything out of me. People that I can just be with. People that don't question me or hurt me. I can go out and experience things. Small things. Big things. It doesn't matter.
My head could not be more messed up. Some days, I wake up and I am so filled with overwhelming joy and passion. I want to run and sing and take in the world with one breath. Other days, I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel like I am falling behind my classmates and friends. But the truth is. There is no such thing as falling behind as long as you're happy. We are not put on Earth to keep up with the Joneses. We are put here to get right with God and get right with ourselves.
I have learned to stop thinking about love and just do it. There is too. much. pressure. put on who we date, how long we date them, if they're marriage material. Blah. Blah. Blah. If there is an inkling of a feeling there, we have to act on it. Those small experiences are worth it. They're worth every second. There is too much analyzing involved in dating. Just do it. Have fun and, for God's sake, stop the stupid games.
I have learned to stop thinking about where I wanna be in 5 years and actually live the five years. What good will knowing what I want to do in 5 years do me NOW? None. Being on track doesn't mean planning everything out to the second. It just means being proactive and heading in a direction. Making decisions as they come.
I have learned to stop making plans. Those that love me know that I am no good with plans. It's probably a pet peeve of a lot of folks actually. Well, I think there's a reason. I'm just not supposed to be. I want to start taking time to let the plans make themselves.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Some Day... :)
I am indecisive.
I am quick to jump to conclusions.
I am terrible with making plans, and if plans are made too far in advance, odds are, I will forget about them.
I am a little bit too emotional, and I get my feelings hurt easily.
I think too hard about things, and I overanalyze.
It's hard for me to say no, so I end up too busy, too tired and irritated.
I am not one to start up a conversation, and, oftentimes, this trait comes off as rude or snobby.
I am lame. A nerd, you could say. I enjoy reading the classics and health journals on a daily basis. I love to lay on the couch and watch movies.
I am stubborn.
I am not an easy person to date.
I am also passionate.
I am generous with time and resources. Money is no object when it comes to those that I love.
I love the Lord. He is my shepherd, and He will be my VERY first priority for as long as I have breath.
I am dedicated. To my family. To my friends. To my school. To my work. I am going places. I'm not really sure where exactly, but I am headed somewhere.
I am cheerful, and I always make an attempt to alleviate awkward situations.
I love too fast, but I do love hard. I trust too fast, but I am dependable as well.
I'm a hopeless romantic and a hopeless optimist.
I don't mind making a fool of myself, and I do it often.
I can laugh at myself, and I can accept my mistakes.
I live every day with a purpose.
Some day, it's going to work out. Everybody has someone that they fit with. Someone that complements them perfectly, and someone that loves all the flaws and the shortcomings simply because they love the person that has them. Love doesn't make people change. That's not fair. We can't change who we are, and we can't fix all the problems that we have. The goal is to find someone that loves us despite all that. Someone who's presence in our lives makes us better people. Not different people.
I am quick to jump to conclusions.
I am terrible with making plans, and if plans are made too far in advance, odds are, I will forget about them.
I am a little bit too emotional, and I get my feelings hurt easily.
I think too hard about things, and I overanalyze.
It's hard for me to say no, so I end up too busy, too tired and irritated.
I am not one to start up a conversation, and, oftentimes, this trait comes off as rude or snobby.
I am lame. A nerd, you could say. I enjoy reading the classics and health journals on a daily basis. I love to lay on the couch and watch movies.
I am stubborn.
I am not an easy person to date.
I am also passionate.
I am generous with time and resources. Money is no object when it comes to those that I love.
I love the Lord. He is my shepherd, and He will be my VERY first priority for as long as I have breath.
I am dedicated. To my family. To my friends. To my school. To my work. I am going places. I'm not really sure where exactly, but I am headed somewhere.
I am cheerful, and I always make an attempt to alleviate awkward situations.
I love too fast, but I do love hard. I trust too fast, but I am dependable as well.
I'm a hopeless romantic and a hopeless optimist.
I don't mind making a fool of myself, and I do it often.
I can laugh at myself, and I can accept my mistakes.
I live every day with a purpose.
Some day, it's going to work out. Everybody has someone that they fit with. Someone that complements them perfectly, and someone that loves all the flaws and the shortcomings simply because they love the person that has them. Love doesn't make people change. That's not fair. We can't change who we are, and we can't fix all the problems that we have. The goal is to find someone that loves us despite all that. Someone who's presence in our lives makes us better people. Not different people.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I Follow Jesus. Bottom Line.
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A friend sent me this video, and it struck a chord with me like no other. I have a class in which we all sit around and talk about what we believe, basically. We have talked about Good and Bad. To Forgive or Not to Forgive. Where we're from. Who we are and how that affects who we become. The second semester is more geared towards how we feel about global, national and state problems. How do we view the world around us.
I have questioned my beliefs more than ever this school year. Although it may sound like a bad thing, it has been such a blessing! All of these questions have strengthened what I've always believed. I know more now about the Bible, and I feel His presence within me now more than ever!
Being a college student, I feel like we are exposed to so much more than we ever dreamed beforehand. This is true for me atleast. At home, I am surrounded by people that think like I do. My friends and I have gone to church together and talked about everything under the sun. We agree on important issues as well as unimportant issues. When you go to college, not everyone is like you. Actually, most people are NOT like you. Everyone is from a different walk. Everyone is at a different stage in their faith. Some have no faith at all. Some have never heard of Jesus, or they allow the freedom away from home to toy with their faith and unstabilize it.
It scares me to think that instead of acknowledging and embracing our differences of opinion, we blend. Respecting someone's opinion is completely different than just adapting it for ourselves and sweeping it under the rug as "understanding". We know what's right, and we know what's wrong. We can't stand by and allow others to do wrong just so we don't appear politically incorrect... We have to stand up. To be strong for God. To respect others but to not allow those others to influence the things that we have come to believe.
A friend sent me this video, and it struck a chord with me like no other. I have a class in which we all sit around and talk about what we believe, basically. We have talked about Good and Bad. To Forgive or Not to Forgive. Where we're from. Who we are and how that affects who we become. The second semester is more geared towards how we feel about global, national and state problems. How do we view the world around us.
I have questioned my beliefs more than ever this school year. Although it may sound like a bad thing, it has been such a blessing! All of these questions have strengthened what I've always believed. I know more now about the Bible, and I feel His presence within me now more than ever!
Being a college student, I feel like we are exposed to so much more than we ever dreamed beforehand. This is true for me atleast. At home, I am surrounded by people that think like I do. My friends and I have gone to church together and talked about everything under the sun. We agree on important issues as well as unimportant issues. When you go to college, not everyone is like you. Actually, most people are NOT like you. Everyone is from a different walk. Everyone is at a different stage in their faith. Some have no faith at all. Some have never heard of Jesus, or they allow the freedom away from home to toy with their faith and unstabilize it.
It scares me to think that instead of acknowledging and embracing our differences of opinion, we blend. Respecting someone's opinion is completely different than just adapting it for ourselves and sweeping it under the rug as "understanding". We know what's right, and we know what's wrong. We can't stand by and allow others to do wrong just so we don't appear politically incorrect... We have to stand up. To be strong for God. To respect others but to not allow those others to influence the things that we have come to believe.
Monday, January 24, 2011
And the stress just melts away...
Beginning during Christmas break, I had a lot of things on my chest. After considering how much thinking I did and how much was actually necessary, I have concluded that I put those things on my chest by myself.
I have been stressing out about college. I am not sure that Mercer is where I want to be. I'm not sure if it's where I NEED to be. I know school is important, but being near my family and friends is important too. There's no point in sticking around Macon when I am not completely and totally happy. I'm only going to live once. And even though college is a short period of that time, I want it to be a blissfully happy period.
So. Problem solved. Decision made.
When you go to college, you lose friends. We all hear this, but no one really understands until you're actually there. Well, I am here. It sucks. You just fall apart from each other, and it won't ever be the same. Solution: Do what you can when you can! Don't sulk. Sit around. Wait for the phone to ring. DO something about it!
Problem solved. Decision made.
Having a long term relationship is hard. You make things up in your mind and warp something not so dramatic into something huge. It starts to make a dent in the relationship... then it makes an unbelievably big hole. I am learning that just because we don't fit in with the other's friends doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. You have to keep your head on straight and keep your eyes on the right guy. Be faithful and honest and true no matter what or who influences you.
Problem solved. Decision made.
It's time to start doing. To take control of my life and do what I want to do.That's a solution I can really get on board with!
I have been stressing out about college. I am not sure that Mercer is where I want to be. I'm not sure if it's where I NEED to be. I know school is important, but being near my family and friends is important too. There's no point in sticking around Macon when I am not completely and totally happy. I'm only going to live once. And even though college is a short period of that time, I want it to be a blissfully happy period.
So. Problem solved. Decision made.
When you go to college, you lose friends. We all hear this, but no one really understands until you're actually there. Well, I am here. It sucks. You just fall apart from each other, and it won't ever be the same. Solution: Do what you can when you can! Don't sulk. Sit around. Wait for the phone to ring. DO something about it!
Problem solved. Decision made.
Having a long term relationship is hard. You make things up in your mind and warp something not so dramatic into something huge. It starts to make a dent in the relationship... then it makes an unbelievably big hole. I am learning that just because we don't fit in with the other's friends doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. You have to keep your head on straight and keep your eyes on the right guy. Be faithful and honest and true no matter what or who influences you.
Problem solved. Decision made.
It's time to start doing. To take control of my life and do what I want to do.That's a solution I can really get on board with!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Goodbye 2010!
I just finished baking cupcakes! Yes, for me, this is quite an accomplishment! I do not cook or bake ever! Tonight, we will ring in the New Year at Moni's house with our family and friends! I must say, this break has been something else. I have loved spending so much time with my parents, sister, aunt and uncle and cousins, but I have been sick all the while! No fun! :( First is was a stomach bug, and now I am on round the clock sinus medicine trying to fight some sort of cold. The next ten days are going to be ridiculously fun. I will make sure that they are.
In all my spare time, I've been reading. I love to read, so I've read hundreds of books in my life, but these last three books have had very similar themes. First, I read Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen. Then, I read Sun-Kissed Christmas by Katherine Applegate. Right now, I am in the middle of The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. They are all about some girl that thinks that they or someone else can't change. You may have read or heard or even believe the same thing. That the way that someone is in the present correlates exactly with how they were in the past as well as who they will be in the future. Me, being the optimist that I am, I have always believed that people do change. I have always stood by the fact that if something drastic happens or something occurs that means enough to someone, they will change. They will and can change for the better or the worse... I think that I stand corrected. Not simply because I read a few books will fictional characters that employ this theme, but because I haven't wanted to face the fact that it's true.
In The Last Song, Ronnie covers up the fact that she loves the world around her including her father, brother, mother and even Will, the lovely, muscular boy that steals her heart when he knocks her soda on her with rebelliousness and a sharp tongue. In Sun Kissed Christmas, Summer hides how much she loves Austin by throwing herself into school and overdramatizing every single thing that happens. In Along for the Ride, Auden won't allow herself to feel or make any memories or friends because of her upbringing. She was always treated like an adult, and she doesn't know how to enjoy spending time with giggly girls and skater boys like the rest of the people her age. The authors may be trying to make the reader think that these characters have changed throughout the story, but they all had the ability and characteristics to do these things. They had adapted their lives to circumstances, and when the climax of the story finds itself on paper, they are just acting on impulse... who they really are. They aren't hiding anymore; they haven't changed. They are just being who they were destined to be in the first place.
Some grandparents leave and never come back because they don't have a reason to stay... Not because something terrible happened and they don't know how to cope anymore. They never knew how to cope. Some guys do things that I'll never understand, and they say things that make no sense. They have habits that they try to defend, but they won't ever change. They may grow up and learn to prioritize, but they may not. They will forever be the same guy that you met at the power lines with a cigar in his mouth at the age of 16... even if they learn to put on a suit, carry a brief case, or put out fires. Some girls will never find who they were really meant to be. They will let some deficit of self confidence or self esteem keep them from doing something for themSELVES! Those same girls that followed guys that never gave them any sort of attention in middle and high school will be bossed around for the rest of their lives. They may move on up to a nice house in the suburbs with a family and a dog and vacations and a picture perfect exterior, but behind those eyes, they will hold fear of being left behind. They will be scared. They will define themselves through what others see, and they will never accomplish anything that they were destined to accomplish.
People don't change. Circumstances. Places. Things. Money. Coping mechanisms. Society's norms. Those things change. Everyday they change... but who we are, that will always be inside. You can't escape it. No one can. I just wish we were better at facing it and embracing it. So when push comes to shove, we'll know why people make the decisions they do. Our choices shouldn't be surprises, and if they are, maybe we should reevaluate the image that we project.
In all my spare time, I've been reading. I love to read, so I've read hundreds of books in my life, but these last three books have had very similar themes. First, I read Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen. Then, I read Sun-Kissed Christmas by Katherine Applegate. Right now, I am in the middle of The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. They are all about some girl that thinks that they or someone else can't change. You may have read or heard or even believe the same thing. That the way that someone is in the present correlates exactly with how they were in the past as well as who they will be in the future. Me, being the optimist that I am, I have always believed that people do change. I have always stood by the fact that if something drastic happens or something occurs that means enough to someone, they will change. They will and can change for the better or the worse... I think that I stand corrected. Not simply because I read a few books will fictional characters that employ this theme, but because I haven't wanted to face the fact that it's true.
In The Last Song, Ronnie covers up the fact that she loves the world around her including her father, brother, mother and even Will, the lovely, muscular boy that steals her heart when he knocks her soda on her with rebelliousness and a sharp tongue. In Sun Kissed Christmas, Summer hides how much she loves Austin by throwing herself into school and overdramatizing every single thing that happens. In Along for the Ride, Auden won't allow herself to feel or make any memories or friends because of her upbringing. She was always treated like an adult, and she doesn't know how to enjoy spending time with giggly girls and skater boys like the rest of the people her age. The authors may be trying to make the reader think that these characters have changed throughout the story, but they all had the ability and characteristics to do these things. They had adapted their lives to circumstances, and when the climax of the story finds itself on paper, they are just acting on impulse... who they really are. They aren't hiding anymore; they haven't changed. They are just being who they were destined to be in the first place.
Some grandparents leave and never come back because they don't have a reason to stay... Not because something terrible happened and they don't know how to cope anymore. They never knew how to cope. Some guys do things that I'll never understand, and they say things that make no sense. They have habits that they try to defend, but they won't ever change. They may grow up and learn to prioritize, but they may not. They will forever be the same guy that you met at the power lines with a cigar in his mouth at the age of 16... even if they learn to put on a suit, carry a brief case, or put out fires. Some girls will never find who they were really meant to be. They will let some deficit of self confidence or self esteem keep them from doing something for themSELVES! Those same girls that followed guys that never gave them any sort of attention in middle and high school will be bossed around for the rest of their lives. They may move on up to a nice house in the suburbs with a family and a dog and vacations and a picture perfect exterior, but behind those eyes, they will hold fear of being left behind. They will be scared. They will define themselves through what others see, and they will never accomplish anything that they were destined to accomplish.
People don't change. Circumstances. Places. Things. Money. Coping mechanisms. Society's norms. Those things change. Everyday they change... but who we are, that will always be inside. You can't escape it. No one can. I just wish we were better at facing it and embracing it. So when push comes to shove, we'll know why people make the decisions they do. Our choices shouldn't be surprises, and if they are, maybe we should reevaluate the image that we project.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Stop Looking
Marilyn Monroe said, "I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful!"
Marilyn Monroe's quotes are, by far, my favorite.
I have learned that every ounce of this quote is true.
College. Or jobs. Or opportunities that bring money mean nothing if we do not shine in the process.
Life should be wonderful. Not our bank accounts. We are what make us wonderful, and our jobs should only supplement that fact.
Stop the questions.
Stop the worry.
Stop.
Everyone has the ability to
Just be wonderful.
Marilyn Monroe's quotes are, by far, my favorite.
I have learned that every ounce of this quote is true.
College. Or jobs. Or opportunities that bring money mean nothing if we do not shine in the process.
Life should be wonderful. Not our bank accounts. We are what make us wonderful, and our jobs should only supplement that fact.
Stop the questions.
Stop the worry.
Stop.
Everyone has the ability to
Just be wonderful.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Living Here and Now!
"If you keep one eye on the past and one eye on the future, you'll be cock-eyed today!"
Yes, this quote is lighthearted and cute, but it holds a great deal of meaning. We had to write our very last 'Composing the Self' essay for my Freshman Seminar Class this weekend, and I chose to write about Living in the Moment. I think it's safe to say that I have never been one of those people that "lives for today," but the importance of it has become clear to me over the past few months.
I had no idea that I still had so much to learn about life after high school. No one understands how much you change after starting college until you actually go through it. I'm still growing, and I am still learning. And the person that I am needs to stop being so focused on what happened yesterday and what may or may not happen tomorrow. There's no sense in that.
I have one week of class left, and one week of finals. My very first college finals ever! It's pretty crazy! This first semester has gone by so fast! I can hardly believe it. I can't wait for Christmas. Christmas is going to be absolutely amazing because, for some reason, I have a new meaning for it. Christmas is beautiful, and I feel like I understand that for the first time ever! I miss my family so much! I always thought I'd grow up and move away, but it's safe to say that I will be moving BACK as soon as possible!
Yes, this quote is lighthearted and cute, but it holds a great deal of meaning. We had to write our very last 'Composing the Self' essay for my Freshman Seminar Class this weekend, and I chose to write about Living in the Moment. I think it's safe to say that I have never been one of those people that "lives for today," but the importance of it has become clear to me over the past few months.
I had no idea that I still had so much to learn about life after high school. No one understands how much you change after starting college until you actually go through it. I'm still growing, and I am still learning. And the person that I am needs to stop being so focused on what happened yesterday and what may or may not happen tomorrow. There's no sense in that.
I have one week of class left, and one week of finals. My very first college finals ever! It's pretty crazy! This first semester has gone by so fast! I can hardly believe it. I can't wait for Christmas. Christmas is going to be absolutely amazing because, for some reason, I have a new meaning for it. Christmas is beautiful, and I feel like I understand that for the first time ever! I miss my family so much! I always thought I'd grow up and move away, but it's safe to say that I will be moving BACK as soon as possible!
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